I hate myself momentarily. I wish i could kill myself right
now. I hate porn! I was doing great from tuesday.
I spoke to my T tuesday and i let my thoughts focus on a book
i placed next to my dad's computer , titled " the Porn Trap".
I didnt read it. I was doing so well.
The pressure in my head to do sick stuff...it is all messed
up. I wish i never had family. This isnt family.
I am sensitive to everything! I wish i wasnt born ,at times.
I went to a bar w/ a friend Saturday night. I didnt drink any
alcohol. I went home and i was ready to crash at midight
and fucking thought...doesnt take much mother of God!
" Stay put goran . Dont go in there. They are watching you."
I can see that fucking piece of garbage laughing at me, as
if i am 7 years old at the moment .." you are my little boy"
fucking me up...in my brain. "Stupid, you are stupid", says
his piece of shit daughter. My dad...what dad? he is on
their side. He is an actor like the rest of them over there.
Meanwhile my dad..i have this scared tension in my mind and
feeling ..he can have this look ..and it fights in any time
i begin to grow and gain more bravery from their mental illness. Who would have thought i woudl ..get up and walk
in his bedroom.....7, 7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,.. toss and turn...
buy food for them. Drop the red carpet...so they can have
an excellent time in their lives ..at my expense. Brother,
too! I still want to learn my mom's weak language ,,b/c
i would like to murder back...and contribute to help that
stupid people ...just like i would love to do murderous
shit all the people who do ths to kids everywhere.
I am not happy! I need help. My mom and dad put pressure
on me to be nice ...i am a movie star. I am now an Uncle.
Who gives a shit! I am an uncle a million times over in my
brain... i like kids ,i feel sorry for the girl. She
has my mom as an tiny child in her fucking brain.
"grandchild ,grandchild"... she so happy. First of all
this fucking trash brother has 2 step kids..they shouldnt be
in second and third place. They deserve equal amount of
attenion. I am not an idiot! I love myself ,and i love
people who respect people,,no matter who you are ,,what ever
your country your from , whateveR! My mom is sick. My dad
even more. I wish i had places to go.
I went to sex addicts on Saturday...i didnt say anything.
And i didnt touch hands with the other guys at the end of the
meeting. What a shitty ending of my day. Fucking porn.
End this shit!!!
Anyway , God Bless you all.

Goran

Hey Goran, hang on buddy!
It is difficult sometimes and it is no wonder that we are tempted and that we can't stay away from porn, please don't be hard on self because you couldn't stay away from it.
I'll tell you in short my story with porn. When I was kid I was very much loved by my mum, dad was not so often present and I missed time to play with him.
Sometimes my mum was angry on me and I was felt like abandoned if I've seen that she is angry on me. I didn't like it and I felt like she is playing with me, once she is my mother who genuinely loves me and sometimes not. So as kid I decided to stay away and closed for her and my dad.
Later when other boys touched me I couldn't talk to my parents what happened and even when I would ask something they didn't like my questions about sexuality and they would shut me down and I felt abandoned again and not heard. All that left some scars in me.
Many years later I started to watch gay porn and always felt like I'm doing something against my self but just couldn't stop. More years passed by and now when I've been felt alone, betrayed and isolated (like I was felt as kid) I can't stand those emotions. And than it is not much needed to think on porn as some source of pleasure that would help me to avoid those negative feelings, unfortunately it doesn't help for long and sometimes is more difficult later.
So when ever I'm tempted I know that I'm in some negative spot facing turmoil of negative feelings, many times other people are source of those emotions in me. For example if someone says so something very bad about me and hurt me I know that I could become challenged to see some porn later even I wouldn't like it.
But I'm trying not to be hard on myself when ever happen. I'm trying to see small and lost boy in me who is lonely and who doesn't know better way to fight negative feelings.
I'm trying to give him hug and to say him that everything is alright and will be aright.
I'm trying to give him some love and warmth, things that he needed the most.
So please try not to beat self because of all that, it is not end of the world.
You are doing a lot to stop it and get stronger!
You are very sensitive person and good friend.
Here is my warmest hug for you

(((Goran)))

Goran,

I feel the resentment and the fear, not only for your hurt, but for your niece as well. You have every right to rage, to express your anger, to feel resentment and fear. You are a survivor in the recovery path! You are expressing yourself where you have not in the past, you are releasing the sickness!

Brave survivor Goran, keep expressing yourself, keep posting, keep that little boy inside of you talking, this is healthy and productive. You have the solution, you have clues to get you to a positive resolution. You are going to a support group!?!! Yay!!!

My best to you fellow survivor!
Sam

Thanks you guys, i apprecate it alot w/ your support..i could
have not done this w/o this God Given homelike place.
I was aware for some-time ..i would sit and before typing
those aweful keys to get to those sites.. i would follow my T's
advice and ask myself "what am i feeling?" ..and i would remember being a 7 year old.. and waiting for my dad to pick
me up at my dad's brother's place.
The door to exit, never opened and i would be scared of going
to sleep. But sometimes..i get pissed off and plain thoughts
of what his daughters want ...weather it is checking some guys
out ....and wondering " why couldnt i have my own penis? "
this is what troubles me and i think paralyzes me to get dating
w/ women.

xo ...but love you for allllllllllllllllllllllllways taking time
to read my posts and (others') progress.
I have never watched one episode of the t.v. show 'Dexter'..
fuck would i love it if i could ask him to do me a favour....:)

Goran

Yes MS is like home to some of us
I can't think what would be my life if I didn't discover it!
You have some good T, I'm sure advices that you heard could help you with this problem.
My T is great support to me even I find difficult sometimes to stay focused on things that I achieved trough therapy

Lol, you made me laughing with remark about Dexter

Hugs!

(((Goran)))

(((HUGS Back To YOU Buddy!)))

G