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#424199 - 02/04/13 12:19 AM Alone and broken
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
So I have been through a healing process and I feel like a new man, I really do feel different, my thought processes and the way I see life is different. So why could my wife not see this, why did she not embrace me, this new me?
I dont know the answer to this.
What she said to me was that I did not put her first, I need to put her first, she needs to be put on a pedestal, I need to find balance and always put her first. Now whilst I can see her point, I caved under the pressure. I could not function under the unbelievable pressure.
I cry at the loss of my family, I sit here in a flat with sparse furniture and mismatched crockery, and I cry. I miss he woman I love, I miss the beautiful young lady that my daughter grew up to be. I go to bed alone and cry, I do love her, I do care for her, but this was not enough.
My only hope is that others can learn from the pain that I have endured.
The scourge of CSA runs deep into the lives of survivors and their families. It has destroyed mine.

Please partners get all the help that you need before your partner becomes a new person and his life changes and you now want payback. We need to learn to cope with this new life without wanting restitution. We need to draw a line in history and say that the past is past and we now live from today forward.
Dont be in a situation where you have a healthy partner, but you are not ready for him.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#424204 - 02/04/13 01:01 AM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
Hi Whome,
I just read this post and it struck such a chord in me. I have done this to my husband when I found out he was using drugs and began getting healthy (before the CSA issues). I felt owed for the pain I endured while he was using. And now that he is getting better with the CSA, I feel like I don't know how to accept this new person. I keep putting off the therapy for myself because I feel like "If he is better, and he is the one with the problems, then it is not necessary for me to see a doctor at this point." I know deep down it doesn't work that way. I have been affected deeply by all this too. I just don't want to accept that it affected me. I try so hard for it to not affect me.

I often have trouble with the thought that he will be a new person and I will have to get used to a new person. It's not going to go back to the wonderful way it used to be before we were married, before the issues. We won't just pick up where we left off. I hope we can find out what our new way is, together.

This was an emotional post for me to read, but I'm glad I did. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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#424314 - 02/04/13 10:17 PM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 359
Loc: NY
Hey Whome and RachelMac:

This place in a relationship is not an easy one to be in. As the past moves out of the present and the fog begins to clear, so also does the pain become clearer. This is the pain that was never felt or allowed.

I don't think pain is as simple as "payback" or "restitution". That doesn't mean that there isn't pain about what didn't happen. I mourn that absence every day that I can, when it comes to what didn't happen with the mother of my kids. And when I mourn, it reminds me of what I really wanted and makes it easier to hear what she really wanted.

That doesn't mean it's easy. It just means I'm a little stronger for it.

I don't think we can ever pay these debts without forgiving. Which is why they are never really paid at all. I feel a lot of appreciation for how my kid's mom knew there was something wrong with me and wanted me to face it. Now I'm afraid to tell her the whole picture, even as I am becoming a new person. Maybe I'm afraid of forgiving myself, and her.

The funny thing about the new person, is that it isn't really new at all. It is the one who never breathed, who never really danced, who never really became a man. When I look at it through those eyes, then something tells me that healing comes first. And then I know that this is where everything needs to be.

Having courage, even amidst the pain, seems to provide a path.

Whome, I often feel a pressure too. But I think it is a deeper me wanting to blossom, one that is also telling me that it still isn't time. If there is pressure, from anyone past or present, in mind or body, then it is a sign that one's growth is not being allowed to fully express itself. I hope you can give it (and her) time. With time comes wisdom, I believe.

RachelMac, although there were wonderful things in the past that seems gone, they can also serve as reminders of what kept you both rooted until the time came to see what needed to be seen. Sometimes the past needs to go away for a while. My MOMC (mother of my children) spoke of the past as having little to redeem it for a painfully long period of time. Gradually that has loosened up and recently it was me who pointed out her selective memory, which she is beginning to wonder about.

As you find your new way, there will be hurts and perhaps the old ways will face you to ask that you make sense of them. This may be the hardest challenge and one that I am gathering the courage to face.

Hoping for all of us....
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#424467 - 02/06/13 12:54 AM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
Martin,

I wish I had words for you. You had the right words at the right time when I was in the very depths of despair and depression. My heart aches for you. CSA affects the whole family. I don't know where the balance is as a partner heals. I know the longing for wholeness for my loved one and the agonizing pain of loving him too. I'd be willing to bet your wife often feels the same. I know you are a praying man, so don't stop praying. I will pray for you as well. I hope that restoration of your family is your story, but even if that isn't what God plans, your story will be glorious because your journey to healing has reformed you. Your pain and struggle has assisted many.i'm grateful for "knowing" you.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#424795 - 02/09/13 12:43 PM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
I'm sorry to hear that things a so hard for you right now. I don't know your wife but I'm wondering if perhaps she actually does see the real you. Allow me to explain the man you were before couldn't give the things she needed. He put her through years of pain and heartbreak but still she carried a tourch for him. She must have believed that someday it would be worth it and you would become the loving man she knew you were underneath. You would become a man who was able to help validate her struggle and bandage her battle wounds. So the fact that she is telling you to put her on a pedastool means that she now sees you as strong enough to do so. In her mind she carried so much on her own while you were off fighting your own battle. Now she wants you to take that load off her back rub her feet and tell her how amazing she is.
She would not expect any of this from you if she thought you were still the same man.
This is a least how I see it from my own relationship. Now that H is softening up and showing signs of how much he wants to please me I can be a real pill. I know I should just leave the past alone and be happy for his progress but instead I just want to cry at him. Make sure he know just how bad it was all those years I felt abandoned. I want my pain to be validated by my partner. When I see him change and grow stronger those are the times I feel like he can handle it he can listen to me and understand. He is left feeling confused as to why his wife starts yelling about the past once he starts being the man we both want him to be.
I'm not saying that this is good or bad its just what I experience as a partner and I wonder if it isn't what other wives go through as well.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#424797 - 02/09/13 12:55 PM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Oh and maybe I should add that I have been the person who has had to do the validating. After I had been through therapy and changed a lot my family started to constantly tell me what a monster I had been. My own mother told me that the only reason she didn't kick me out was because god told her not too. I felt horrible for the pain I caused both my parents and little siblings. I had hurt each of them. It was hard to hear but I let all of them come to me as many times as they needed to and listened as they told stories about the things I said and did that left them scarred. Everytime I would thank them for always loving me and and tell them how much I love them back. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be here. This is a hard stage but it does pass. The pain of the past has been replaced with love and acceptance. As a family we now look back on my struggle as something that was hell but created strong bonds and in the end brought everyone closer. I really hope that you and your family can have the same thing because its a really special kind of love.


Edited by HD001 (02/09/13 12:56 PM)
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#424810 - 02/09/13 06:17 PM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Martin,
My husband and I are where you and your wife are. For me there has been to much hurt. I have spent the last two years by his side trying to help him heal from what was done to him as a child. I believed him when his family did not. I spent countless hours here trying to understand what he was going through. You helped me through so many dark hours. I feel like your wife, I am not sure that he is capable of loving me the way I want and I don't have lofty expectations of being on a pedestal. By nature he can be selfish but I always thought that was a function of being spoiled. He grew up in a weird situation where his mother spoiled the shit out him, never held him responsible for his actions and his father molested him. He has come a long way over the last two years and I am proud of the hard work he has done but unfortunately it is not enough. I think what has ultimately helped me make this decision for us to separate is the feeling of hopelessness that I get each time he has lied, drinks or just let's me down. I am not a person who holds a grudge but each time it happens the hopelessness hits me like a ton of bricks and I wonder how I let him do it to me again. That's my situation not yours.

Most wives would have divorced their husbands for what he did to me but I loved him more than anything and I was fighting hard for the little boy inside giving him a chance, I did not want CSA to win. I did not want his child molesting father to win. At the beginning of 2013 we decided I was going to deal with my hurt from CSA and he couldnt handle it. My anger is very hard for him to swallow. Asking him to leave I think has given him the final push to be healthily and truthful.

This might be some help to you. My husband was good at putting up a good front. He is so proud of his progress and his honesty. The problem is he was such a good liar that I don't really see the difference as much as he feels it. He tells me and I am proud of him but it isn't something I can see. He is sad, we are sad. It's sucks.

Good luck,
And it isn't over until the fat lady sings so if you think there is a chance fight hard.
Gretta

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#424926 - 02/11/13 06:57 AM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Guys so many wise words so much pain and just when I think we can be happy, ....bam. Well its tough and I get to a point where I dont know if I want to spend another year fighting and trying to prove myself. Its become such a destructive force, both trying to be right. In the end we both loose, crazy stubborn pride

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#424927 - 02/11/13 07:41 AM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 352
My H and I were separated for a year the last time. It helped us to .....relearn each other really. It also gave me some time to have some 20/20 vision on how I had acted. It wasn't all pretty and I made some adjustments.

I don't know your exact situation but I can identify with the pedestal thing.

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#425288 - 02/14/13 03:15 PM Re: Alone and broken [Re: whome]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 7
Martin,

Hi - this is my first post on this forum. My beloved husband has recently disclosed what happened to him as a child. Just some background... H was sexually abused as was his sister. His sister suffered emotionally and ended up taking her own life in his early 20s. He suffered greatly with abandonment and some of the other "typical" survivor issues (promiscuity, drugs - you name it). I have known him for 20 years - we met shortly after his sister died. We were close friends, but not romantic. We lost contact for 13 years and found eachother a few years back through social media. We fell in love, and felt with our deep and long friendship - we had a great foundation in life for a marriage. I can say that the years with him have been the absolute hardest of my life. I experienced the worst tragedy I have ever experienced while we were engaged. This unfortunately triggered some serious emotional response from my H. He closed off from me, went to porn and masturbation, basically went silent and cold. He also started lying again and living a "seperate" life behind my back - even though we were in the same house. I felt like he was kicking me while I was down. Betrayal after betrayal, all while I was trying to recover from my personal loss. It was like he didnt even care, all he wanted to do was play video games (MMOs like World of Warcraft), watch porn and ignore me. It was very painful and it lasted for a very long time. We started going to counseling and that helped - but we were unfortunately just treating the symptoms and not healing the wound. At this point, he had never said anything about having been victimized like his sister was. I didnt know, and the counseler didnt know. In fact - it was literally just a few days ago that he opened up.

To give you an idea where I was mentally - I was looking for divorce lawyers in my area, and starting to mentally prepare from for walking away from the man I loved most. I was going to do this because of all the pain he caused me, and that he just didnt seem to be able to do even the minimum to work on our relationship. To say that I had resentment is an understatement. I was buried with it. I could not even see him for the man he really is on the inside because of all the pain and anger I felt. He came home from his individual counseling apt (we do individual and couples for years now) and he asked to talk to me. This was actually a big step for him since we both shut down, and until that moment - it was always me reaching out to him. He told me about what he remembered. And my heart just broke.

Honestly, I am still not sure how to best support him. But I understand now. I have read the posts on this forum, I have read papers online and other articles to try to educate myself. My first feelings were absolute horror for what he endured and heartbreak for everything that was stolen from him.

See, H could not function in a relationship. He just didnt know how. He knew he wanted to with me - but he was so used to lies both to others and to himself to protect himself that its all he knew how to do. Intimacy was completely seperate from "love" so he could not even connect the two with me. I know this is long...bear with me... :-)

My point in all this is that it might be that your wife is still seeing through the goggles of her own pain in this. Its very hard to accept, and even though you suffered so much - she might not realize that it didnt just take your innocence, but it also took away your ability to function normally and see love and relationships normally. Now that you are healing, and working through the issues you are facing, she is now the one traumatized by the experience. Like you, she might have to take some time to come to grips with what happened to you, and in turn what happened to her because of it. I cannot speak for your wife, but I would imagine at some point, things will click and it will all make sense. It might take a long time, and it might not mean that your relationship will heal. But just like you need to heal, so does she.

I know that personally - while I understand now why H behaved like he did, there is still some of the hurt I need to work through. I tend to be very logical/analytical and less emotional, so acceptance that it isn't HIM that did those things, it was abused behavior that did it is probably easier for me than a lot of others. I still need to figure out how to let go of resentment - but I think it is going to be easier now.

It also helps that my H is very much the kind of person that once he realizes the issue - he can be open with it. He is working hard to resolve these issues and he has a huge support system to help him. I hope that you find that support as well, and I hope that your wife can see you for the man you really are, and not the behavior that caused her pain.

I wish you well, and just wanted you to know that your post really touched my heart. It has given me new purpose for my dear husband, and has helped me see "around the corner" so to speak. I dont want to pay him back, I want to help him and myself move past both his experience, and the consiquences. I told him I didnt want his perpetrator to have even one more minute of his life or our marriage. You have it 100% about drawing a line in the sand... That is how I am looking at it from here on out thanks to you. The moment he opened up to me, that line was drawn. And from that point on - we will work towards the future.

I will think of you and pray for you that you find peace, love and joy in the future.

your friend,
WontGiveUp

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