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#424750 - 02/08/13 11:06 PM Unwelcome come-on at the beach
Suwanee Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
I learned a lot during a morning at the beach. Even though this happened a while back, I still think about it...and it still bugs me.

When I was around 24 and in grad school, I spent a couple of weeks at my parents' house at the beach during the summer break. I was all by myself and got bored at the same beach every day, so I drove half an hour or so over to Navarre Beach, FL to read some journal articles and get some sun at the National Seashore beaches which are usually relatively uncrowded.

Before I settled in to reading, I waded out in to the Gulf to swim a couple hundred yards. Yes, I took off my board shorts and just wore my Speedo. When I finished swimming, I walked back up to my stuff to dry off.

After a little bit, an older man came up and started talking to me in a Dutch accent (I'm still in the Speedo). He asked me where I was from, how old I was and what I liked to do at the beach. He sat down on my towel, looked at me and said he liked "Twinkies." I said I never ate them; he laughed and asked me to go with him to his condo so he could see the part of me covered by the Speedo. I went from mildly irritated to fearful. He put out his hand for me to follow him like a little kid.

I really got freaked out and started packing up my stuff and mumbling to him that I needed to go right then. When it came time to get the towel, he just sat there; I had to ask him to please get up. He did and I threw it in my backpack and took off.

On the way home, I was really irritated that my morning was interrupted, and also triggered that he clearly intended to see me naked. I was shaking during the drive. I was in much better shape than he was and could have easily taken him, but I felt so young and powerless...like I was during the CSA.

I later figured out that "Twinkie" means something else entirely to some folks---and that he was a "Bear" who wanted a "Twinkie."

I'm a very live-and-let-live kind of person. I don't care a whit about what people do if it makes them happy and doesn't negatively affect me. Was my reaction over the top? I like to leave on good terms with everybody I meet, but.....

Will
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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#424753 - 02/09/13 12:07 AM Re: Unwelcome come-on at the beach [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
I wouldn't say it was over-the-top. There were more casual ways in which you could have neutralized the situation, while still letting yourself enjoy more time at the beach.... but in the ultimate tally you didn't freak out, didn't lose your dignity, didn't hate-talk or gay-bash him, and nothing bad actually happened. Bottom line: as a survivor of sexual violence you had every rational reason to be suspicious of his beyond-bold approach, especially in a remote area, and to feel so uncomfortable that you just HAD to leave.

With or without CSA, as a rule (with exceptions of course) straight guys tend to be extremely alarmed by being pursued sexually by gay guys. He was cruising you VERY blatantly.... depending on your state of mind you can choose to interpret that sort of thing as obnoxious or flattering, or a hybrid of both.

Living and working in NYC in the years after I accepted my SSA issues as being part of me and okay, I've had gay guys hit on me more than a few times and for the most part I do find it flattering. (In the years beforehand it woulda been a whole nother story....) Often I'd harmlessly chat the guy up. Mind you this is always among crowds and always when fully-clothed... different power / safety dynamic. My wife and I go to piano bars in the village and sometimes I'll ask the guy to play songs that we like... On more than one of those occasions, the pianist tried to tease me by saying he'd only play my song if I asked him more sexily. So.... I would! I'd lounge across the piano resting my cheek on my wrist, grin, wink... he'd been trying to tease me and I teased him right back. I like to think it gave him a bit of a thrill. There's a part of me that does like it, that likes envisioning myself as so hot that even dudes dig me. I didn't experience my CSA with a real comprehension of actual sexual behavior or what it meant; it felt more like murder to me. Someone who had prolonged and repeated unwanted advances, that he was able to comprehend... and suffer through... would quite likely have an entirely different response.


Matt
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#424775 - 02/09/13 06:49 AM Re: Unwelcome come-on at the beach [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA

I hesitated to even post about this since it happened quite a while back. I also didn't want to come across as homophobic---which I'm not in the least.

It still bugged me and in some ways I felt bad for just totally popping smoke and running away. I wasn't thinking as a strong, fit young adult. I was behaving as a kid might..weak, abrupt, awkward, shy. With a few more years of maturity, I can now handle those situations better. If that happened today, I'd be flattered thinking that a woman----or a man for that matter thought I was hot.

I didn't know it at the time, but Navarre Beach is a popular LGBT gathering place during the Memorial Day weekend. The Dutchman probably assumed I was there for the festivities.

Will
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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#424777 - 02/09/13 07:05 AM Re: Unwelcome come-on at the beach [Re: Suwanee]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Thanks for sharing with us Will.
It was a little bit uneasy for me to read about your experience.
I've found myself many times like anxious when I felt that some guy is looking on me differently. It could be on the street, at the some party or even during some medical check. Sometimes I'v felt like my body is burning there where I could "sense" some glances.
Not sure how to tackle that issue at all even I have a lot of problems with gay porn and fantasies on such sex, sometimes my SSA is driving me crazy and it is like allowed only in my head and aside of real life.

Beside all that actually when I was much younger (probably 15 or 16) I went also on some remote beaches with my twin brother during summer vacation and while we were on one island.
Even we didn't have in mind nothing I remember once we stopped near spot where one older male nudist was alone, hopefully he left soon and we took bath in the sea. We didn't care that place was known for nudists and I must say that fact brought some challenges to me later while I was alone, lol.
Luckily people were not prone to cruising there otherwise we would be in some trouble now when I think better...
Keep sharing!

Pero
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#424778 - 02/09/13 07:21 AM Re: Unwelcome come-on at the beach [Re: Suwanee]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'm sorry to hear you were triggered, Will. But it sounds, too, like you've processed it real well. Some of my friends would call it, "living life on life's terms." Matt's got a great system.

I'm an older gay - maybe even older than your Dutchman - living in a tourist area, so your story sounds pretty common to me.

Here's some additional insight to file away for reference. Your Dutchman is on holiday and I think you assumed correctly his frame of mind...particularly when you ditched the board shorts. He thot you were showing off on a gay beach! And, well, there are those who like "twinks" or "twinkies" because they're naiive. In his mind, 24 qualifies you for that. And vice-versa. Some young guys are looking for a sugar daddy and you inadvertently put out a lot of signals, at least as HE interpreted it.

Doesn't reflect on you, Will.

A footnote. My gaydar's pretty well developed and guys/situations like that annoy even me. They're on holiday and want a romp with a surfy blond type (imagine - ugh - Williem Defoe w/blond hair). Okay, whatever. They're kinda put off when I casually tell 'em my real age and that I've had HIV for over 20 years.

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#424799 - 02/09/13 01:31 PM Re: Unwelcome come-on at the beach [Re: Suwanee]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Your story actually made me think of something that happened to me when I was in high school. When I was 15/16 my mom had let me join a gym and like all gyms it had a locker room and showers. All the guys there were adults who all seemed to be in their mid-thirties and up (although some could have been younger). I would always shower and change there obviously since I didn't want to ride the bus all the way home all sweaty. I always went there straight from school and this one day I came out of the shower and was changing back into my school uniform. I just had my pants on and no shirt and this guy sitting on the bench near me started talking to me. He started saying how he had seen me around the gym that day and asking me how long I usually spent there. I think I could tell he was gay and I didn't really know how to react. I didn't want to be rude so I just answered his questions. He started asking me if I went to school and I said yes. He asked what I was studying and since I was just in high school I remember saying something stupid like "general studies" or something like that. I believed he thought I was in college because he seemed like he understood.

I remember at some point wondering if he could tell if I was just a teenager or not. I was by no means a man. People sometimes said I looked older than I was but I was still short and thin. The part that makes this whole event stick out in my mind is that he started asking me how long I usually spent at the gym and when I told him "about an hour or so" he reached out and put his hand on my stomach and started rubbing my belly. I remember he said something to the effect of "I can feel your abs" or something like that. The whole thing scared me a little and I remember feeling ashamed of myself, like I had led him on somehow by letting him think I was older. I never thought that maybe the guy knew I was just a teenager and didn't care. I don't remember seeing him again though.

I don't mean to be long-winded or to hijack your thread but I just wanted to get that out. I don't think you overreacted given the abuse your been through in your childhood. Sometimes it's the little things that triggers us and sometimes its the big things like a guy blatantly coming on to us. I think I would have done the same thing in your situation.
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