I've never told anyone the absolute truth as to what happened to me as a child, I softened things up and came up with a version that i felt offered enough information as to let others know what had happened but didn't burden them with the reality of all that happened.

There was always things I knew I'd left out everytime the storys were told but within the last year or so I've been having flashbacks and memories of things I didn't recall but I struggle to understand whether they're real or imagined...or a mixture of both

MY STORY:

When I was eleven my family and I moved, almost immediately after the move I began
to suffer from asthma-and was sent to a doctor. During the first visit I was given a full physical and I didn't think much about it-it was uncomfortable but my thought didn't linger on it.

About a week later I had to see him again and the routine repeated with extra attention being paid to my privates...this is the level of abuse that where the story as told has always stopped.

But truthfully it wasn't long after that that he began to focus on my anus. I vividly remember the first time that happened and many of the times afterwards..often he'd stroke me while he had a fingers in me..I'm a hundred percent sure that that all happened.

I'm also a hundred percent sure of how it progressed to him getting me to perform oral on him but where it stops is actual penetration. I vaguely remeber him fingering me and playing with my privates and me looking down to see both of his hands on my hips. Then the memories get blurry. I have been having more and more memories in the past year about actual penetration and I'm just not so sure if it's all true/imagined/a combo.

The abuse spanned until I was 14 and we moved. My asthma was super bad, especially in the winter so I saw him often, at one point he even asked my parents if I could move in with him so he could better monitor my health.

I think you might find it very profitable to be talking to a counselor. Find somebody who can listen to you talk these things out. Not everybody can understand our burdens. Find someone you can trust. It will help you immensely.

Puffer

You can also begin by telling your story here to us, your brothers, in as much honest detail as you can handle.

Don't worry if you don't get it complete or right the first time. All of our abuse narratives go through drafts as we better understand ourselves and our stories.

Cant

Thanks for feedback.

That's one thing I don't understand. The stories forum seems so final and finished. But what I'm remembering is constantly changing. How are people ok with not constantly pulling it back down to add or change things?

Hay irishguym,

Thanks for sharing your story. That's realy a big step. Well done.

I think the mind must protect its self at all cost. If there is some thing that seems like that could take us out, the mind covers for us. I think when you are ready to handle more it will become avalable. But I think you may have enough to work with at this point.

You may be ready because you are asking the question. I just can't say enught to take this slow and not to push yourself or even let a T push you into remembering if there is resistance to remembering. Give your self all the time you need to rember when you are ready.

Did you ever go stay with you perp. like he tryed to set up?

The memories are all there you don't need to relive them to get better.
But as time continues, you will get the answers you are looking for.
You can be sure that the damage to you will not be lessened by knowing for sure how far things went. At this point the damage to you is the same. You won't become more or less harmed by knowing exactly what happen. To much to fast could be more harmful I think.

Can you get in to counseling and feel safe?

Mike