Im not sure why I am posting here, I guess as a way to affirm to myself that , yes some progress has been made. I have noticed in the past few months that my level of anger has some what diminished. I have for so many years put blame on not only myself but my parents for what had happened to me. Forgiveness has never been one of my strong suits, and I have put a lot of blame on my father for not being there for me for not being a father. Quite often I've looked at him in absolute disgust, the very mention of his name would make my blood boil. My father abandoned me at a very young age, I was left to fend for myself at the age of 11. The older I got and the older my children became, it became more and more evident that he failed miserably as a father. He failed to protect me he failed to be there for me.
I realize now that the anger I clung so tight too has been more of a drain emotionally for me then letting go. I keep telling myself that my father is a product of his own environment that his upbringing was no better than mine. I know that we all have different coping mechanisms and his was not fight it was flight. I am coming to an understanding now that there is nothing I can do nor anything my father can do to turn back the hands of time and change what has been done. I just wish he knew what I went through in his absence. I wish he could take responsibility for what he could have prevented. But he cannot because I've never disclosed anything to him and I fear I never will. So knowing this I have been trying to resolve my daddy issues and had made significant progress in doing so. I spoke with him today it was a very cordial and civil discussion and I didn't lose my s*** after we hung up nor did I engage him with any of my usual " You were a shit head for a father "rhetoric. This may not sound like much but speaking to my father has always sent me into a tailspin, causing me to relive a lot of crap that I would just as well forget. I often ignore his calls for months if not an entire year. He has always been a major trigger for me. So with that being said, today was some what of a small victory for me. We spoke and yet I'm okay.
I know there will be bumps in the road if not hills or mountains when it comes to my father but as for today I was able to put aside my differences and be civil.
"Those are not your sins" A wise man