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#424704 - 02/08/13 01:31 PM Searching for understanding
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42

Well to sum things up, I was abused from the ages of 11-14 by a male doctor. I am 34 now over the years I've struggled with homosexual thoughts..it's never been an everyday as I've gone months or even years without it even crossing my mind.

I will admit that in the past there's been the occassional attraction to men but it's nothing like my attraction to women. The attraction to men is almost exclusively about the sexual acts.

As I was sick a lot as a child during the winter that was when the abuse primarily happened so when this time of year comes around and I'm not overly busy in my day to day life the urges seem to peak.

In the past I've acted out on the urges (usually while drunk) and then felt sick/overwhelming guilt about it-I am fighting very hard to fight the urges...

It has been suggested in the past that I look to form emotional relationships with a man and if the progresses to something sexual so be it..but I'm not sure that is a healthy avenue to go down.

I'm sure this all sounds rambling and crazy lol but I'm trying to get this all out in as healthy a way as possible.

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#424707 - 02/08/13 02:21 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I grapple with some of the same issues. I am now forming relationships with other men, some gay, some not. I am finding it is not about the sexuality for me but about relating to other guys. I guess that is what you meant by forming emotional relationships. To me, that is also known as intimacy which means close personal relationships.

Since I was abused, close personal relationships got sex thrown into the mix so it is very confusing about my feelings and wanting to be close and having unresolved issues about sex that I have never felt comfortable discussing and most people don't want to discuss either. From my experience, I am not seeking emotional bonds with other men in order to be sexual with them. I don't know that is what you are saying but this a tender area. I guess each of us can only relate his own experience.

Edit: I'm sorry that you were abused.


Edited by EdfromNYC (02/08/13 02:22 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#424715 - 02/08/13 03:58 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: EdfromNYC]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
From my experience, I am not seeking emotional bonds with other men in order to be sexual with them. I don't know that is what you are saying but this a tender area. I guess each of us can only relate his own experience.


I think the suggestion has been to form bonds with guys and if it naturally develops into something sexual that means more about my identity then just getting drunken/acting out and regretting it.

Thank you for your response-it's nice to know I'm not alone.

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#424731 - 02/08/13 06:54 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello Irishguym, Welcome to MaleSurvivor!
You are not alone with same sex attractions, many of us have it as scar from past and many of us still learning how to cope with it.
I found great support here in this community, there are a lot of different resources offered to us, hope you'll find something that suites you!
Keep sharing with us wink

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#424739 - 02/08/13 08:54 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Welcome Irish,

You're certainly not alone. Here's what I think is going on, based on my own journey of self-discovery.

Because the doctor was a monster, you dissociated to protect yourself from what he was doing to you. The part of you that experienced the sex acts is the part of you that feels SSA now. It isn't all of you. In fact, you identify as straight. But there's this part of you that wants to recreate the abuse, like a tape loop or a broken record.

The guilt is a manifestation of your primary self dealing with what your dissociated self has done. That's why it feels discordant, psychically. That's why emotional relationships with a man don't make sense, because your primary self isn't interested in it. It's only your secondary self that seeks to act out to recreate the abuse, and then go back into hiding.

I know this because that's me, too. That's a lot of us here. Now, the next question: What to do about it?

You need to look for an EMDR therapist in your area that has training with DID. EMDR is an eye-movement based treatment for PTSD; it helps the brain to reprocess the traumatic events. DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which in its worst case is Multiple Personality Disorder, which is not what you have... but you are on the spectrum, like many of us here.

I live in an under-served area, mental health wise, and I just found a EMDR therapist with DID training, so it is possible.

Good luck, stay strong, and we're here for you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424751 - 02/08/13 11:52 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Thank you for the replies. Today is the first day that I've ever felt "okay" with my thoughts and not totally alone.

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#424773 - 02/09/13 06:32 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
derrick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 94
Loc: North Carolina
Irish

I am grateful you found this website but regret that you qualify

The men here have been in your shoes

Hang in there and keep coming back
_________________________
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5766#Post335766

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs
Dahlonega

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#424846 - 02/10/13 01:40 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
I've been completely overwhelmed to read through so many thread and see so many stories echoing what I've been feeling all these years.

I have searched out a local therapist because of this site and am set to meet with him this week. I'm not sure that'll I'll ever get the answers or comfort that I've been searching for but knowing that I'm not alone and not bat shit crazy has lifted a giant weight off of my shoulders.

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#424923 - 02/11/13 06:00 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3612
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on my Irish brother. If it is overwhelming reading many stories here it is good for me sometimes to take short break to get focus back on my healing.
Yes it is incredible good to know that there are other men with similar problems. You are not alone!
I've read your story, it took a lot of courage to write it, you did great work, keep it up like that and share your burden with us!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#424955 - 02/11/13 11:34 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: EdfromNYC]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 333
Loc: Iowa, USA
Thank you for writing. It is helpful to read about what other guys have experienced. I struggle with just having a friendship with other guys. After my abuse, my views on friendship are really screwed up. I don't want to have a buddy so that it can be sexual, but in the past boundaries were broken and I felt like I had no right to say no, and the price I had to pay for being friends with someone was to succumb to sexual advances. I had to let myself be hurt in order to have a friend. Hearing that someone else has been through similar experiences makes me feel no so alone.

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#424998 - 02/11/13 07:11 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Yep, it's hell.
Cool you found this place. It is the only place where I can be real about all of this stuff. I am glad you found a T. It's ok to help them help you. Leting them know what your goles are. The same sex urges are a product of the abuse. This is as painfull and confusing as any of it for me. I have learned to not condem my self in any way and I have learned not to act on the compulsion. A lot of this work was learning to understand and manage my sexual addiction.

Best wished with your counseling

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#425075 - 02/12/13 04:01 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I think that wanting to conect with the same gender is as natural as wanting to conect with the other gender. We are people and we need to be in relationship.

Sexual urges for me are difrent then a intimate longing but some times they can get infused. I think that csa fused my sexual wire togeather with my fear and pain and desior to be in relationship with other guys. The compulsions to act out sexually with men for me had to do with fealing isolated and being alone as a man. The real natural need to conect and bond with others of my gender taped into the csa tapes. I think for some time the only way my mind could interpret the need for male relationship was to be used sexually.

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#425077 - 02/12/13 04:20 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
I wonder if I found men attractive in the same manner I do women if I'd feel the guilt I do..the compulsion is pretty exclusively about actual acts.

Even when I masterbate-when I think about women it's everything, face, body, smell, touch etc. When i think about men it's about the penis/sexual acts.

How do you combat the urges? Is it okay to give into them? Does understanding them lead to acceptance?...such a mind twist

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#425080 - 02/12/13 04:50 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Here's some of my experience about urges. Giving in, for me, made the "noise" in my head disappear for a while only to return with a much greater vengeance later on. Shame, guilt, etc. was temporarily deleted from my being by build up part of the cycle to the actual sexual acting out and then after the negative feelings would come back. It took me a long time to identify this pattern.

For me, there have been two most helpful things. My willingness to be honest about my urges and what I did whether fighting them or "giving in" to them and then sharing that honesty with someone that I trusted. I think I read that you are looking for a therapist. I found one and then another and I talked and talked and talked about this stuff and I found my confusion eased. I talked about when I gave in. I talked about when I was fighting it. I talked about what I thought I should be thinking about. I talked about things I didn't want to talk about.

I have found my confusion eased, I have found greater acceptance of myself and my feelings and much less anger at myself for having any urges. This post is not to suggest any course of action for you or anyone else. It is just my experience.

"Does understanding them lead to acceptance?" I guess it was a combination of both. Accepting them led to understanding them and vice versa. I did this in pieces and my goal was greater understanding and internal peace and I have more of both. You seem like you are seeking that and I believe you will find it if you make whatever efforts you deem the course for yourself.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#425093 - 02/12/13 05:44 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Thank you for the insight! Last night was the first time I'd ever allowed the entire story to come out of my mouth-it was to a close female friend (we used to date but have remained super close since) and it was such a huge relief. She was incredible and understanding..Then I spoke with a T today, that went well-and I begin meeting with him next week.

I'm struggling with the urges a lot but like you said in the past it's made the noise dissappear for only a time being...

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#425101 - 02/12/13 06:11 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Irish,

What you are describing is from the abuse.
It's can feel like self betrayal to have and give into the thoughts and drives.
The trauma is buried deep so we can go on with life, but what we could not recinocile then is still trying to be delt with. Because the trauma was fused with our sexual wiring, it works its way to the surface and feals like our minds and bodys want this. Or if we give in it will go away and stop the torment. Like was stated above. Feeding this by acting on it makes it worse. This is the addiction.
In the addiction work you learn why this is triggered in you and how to exit the cycle.

A big key is to for give your self as offten and as soon as posable. You did not ask for this. This outcropping is from the traumas you went through. Help your self by getting the help you need. It gets way better in time.

I don't act out today and I am free of the demanding urges. Thoughts still cross my mind and I have many things and feeling I am working on. But it's like you get your life back when you free of the addiction cycle.

I rember the pain and the hell. I have a whole tool box on how to deal with the addiction and you will as well. But for now I leave you with this,

"Opt for the path of least Damage to your self.

We are men, and we have a God given, natural sex drive.
When this drive is hijacked by Trauma,
We are pushed to Act Out of the trauma sexually.

If I became stressed (one of my triggers)
I would start in to the addiction process.
I learned to stay with the pain of the original stress when posable. (Asked my self "what am I realy feeling?)
If I fell in to makeing the pain goaway, I popped in an image for an instant high.
The high from this image made me think that's what I wanted. It's the biggest high so that must mean....

Porn, fanticy, sexulised thinking, self stimulation, the theme, I tryed like hell to resist, always came to some version of what happen to me when I was sexualy abused.

So the opt for the least damage was something that I discovered. I could short the addiction cycle and recieve less damage if I skipped the pron and the fanticy alow myself to mb, self release and for give myself in the process. I learned that I could some times switch the fanticy to a more appealing one. But allowed my self the sexual releace that would eventually happen any way. But often with out all the build up and wasted time. I still felt bad after words but I told my self that it was ok and I was going to be ok. That I was worthy of love and that I would help my self get better.

As this point I could offten journal and begin to feel the confusion of the abuse. This was a much better use of time.

Protect yourself from shame and more damage.

Releace and resolution. That's the path

Don't forget all the stuff that's going well for you!

I hope you the best,


Edited by SmartShadow (02/13/13 07:39 AM)

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#425157 - 02/13/13 07:47 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Glad to hear that you are opening up to people you trust. Awesome that you are receiving the support you need and deserve! Best thing you can do for your self.

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#425166 - 02/13/13 09:50 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Ya but what a process...like I told the T I talked to yesterday in finding here it's seeing that I'm not abnormal given the circumstances of my life and that's a good thing to know.

Not the easiest stuff to talking about but I feel I've finally been pointed in the right direction.

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#425195 - 02/13/13 03:11 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
You are so on the right track. Keep on keeping on my friend,

I asked my first T how long it would take, to get my life back. This was his area of focus. He put a number on it for me, and I told him that was too long for me. I wanted the magic fix. He told me these words and I never looked back. "You don't understand, You can actually do this! A lot of people for one reason or another can't. They don't even have the option." He was right. I was able. So are you. Fight for yourself. You deserve all the healing you can get. And there is a lot to be had.

Love yourself, fight the good fight and fly to high places,
You can do this work!
This is the way out.

Mike


Edited by SmartShadow (02/13/13 03:15 PM)

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#425365 - 02/15/13 12:38 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
finallyopen Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
You're not alone Irish.
I am dealing with my issues surrounding SSA and wanting a true healthy friendship with another male. Workin on it day by day and it's difficult at times. Emotions really fall into the mix.
But, I will continue on .. adjusting to a new skin isn't that easy (even though it's be on my mind for years).
Take care
_________________________
My Story : http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4645#Post434645

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#425373 - 02/15/13 01:42 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Thank you-I'm struggling pretty bad right now and looking forward to getting this out to a T and working through the process..

I search for answers some say embrace it, others say fight it, others say experiment, others say it's an addiction logically I try to say it is what it but it's tough to accept that and understand it..

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#425453 - 02/16/13 06:56 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State

Hay Irish,
I know it is incredibaly difficult for you right now. You will get a lot of difrent opinions on what you should do with the compulsions. This is so confusing to male survivors. The struggle to make sense of it can be a huge burden at times.

For me I can say that I am glad that I did not choise to act out with another man.
This was not an easy choise at times because of the demands of my mind and hart.

Earlier you said something important.

Originally Posted By: irishguym
I wonder if I found men attractive in the same manner I do women if I'd feel the guilt I do..the compulsion is pretty exclusively about actual acts.


Why the guilt?

For me it was a feeling of shame and self betrayal.

Why betrayal?

Because I didn't realy want what I desperately wanted.

In some ways I felt like I lost eather way. But the intence shame came from giving in.

What was I ashamed of?

I was longing to reconnect with my abuse and I was willing to sacrifice my self to put an end to the struggle.

All I ever did was feed a monster.

I found much help in wirting out my thinking and feelings. I eventually came to an understanding that this was not who I was or something I wanted. This was a sexual addiction caused by being sexually abused by a man when I was 14.

There is a big difrence between same gender attraction and a desperate desior for a specific type of sexual high and compulsion.

Many people from the "you have to try it to see if it's for you" crowd have no understanding of addiction.

Addiction robs us of freedom and choise. The more we give in the less we have.

It's not about relationship. AddictIon kills relationship. It is entirely selfish.

You deserve to be whole. Don't let this take over. It will only lie and destroy.

Love is difrent. It gives life.

Life and Freedom!

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#425454 - 02/16/13 07:11 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i agree with EVERYTHING SmartShadow said!

very well expressed!!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#425464 - 02/16/13 09:03 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Logically it all makes sense to me-but the feelings make it hard so hard to match up with that logic...

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#425466 - 02/16/13 09:34 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I rember how hard it was like it was yesterday. I am sorry you are going through this torment. What are the feelings? Try to put words to the feelings you are experiencing. There is a real non sexual need under these desires, what is the underlying need?

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#425476 - 02/16/13 10:40 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
I logically understand that the desire is to try to justify the pleasure of the abuse-it's just hard to shake.

I've spent my life thinking well if I was gay it'd make the pleasure fact okay (which I know is not true) or if I was a woman that would somehow make the pleasure fact okay.

I experimented with crossdressing a bit when I was married and oddly enough when I was dressed in some feminime fashion I never experienced the desires...like somehow in my mind dressing up completely quelched my subconscious...after my marriage ended I blocked that-got rid of all the clothes and never looked back. After opening up here and to a close friend I went and bought a few items and it's the only thing that's seemed to stop the compulsion....how messed up am I ugh

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#425480 - 02/16/13 11:20 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
You are not messed up. In fact you are allowing yourself to be truthfully and honest. The amasing thing is that in your post you have reviled how amazing your mind is.

Originally Posted By: irishguym
when I was dressed in some feminime fashion I never experienced the desires...like somehow in my mind dressing up completely quelched my subconscious..


You have found a way to protect your self from the confusion and catastrophe.
This is a wonderful coping mechiniziams that has helped you not act out in a consequential way. Thank God for it.

The mind is amazing and will find a way to protect us.

I think that there is much meaning in this for you and as time alowes you will come to understand the meaning and significance. For now I think it is like armor to protect you.

Take care,

Mike

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#425509 - 02/16/13 10:58 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: SmartShadow]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow

You have found a way to protect your self from the confusion and catastrophe.
This is a wonderful coping mechiniziams that has helped you not act out in a consequential way. Thank God for it.


I've started to think that it is coping mechinism..not sure how wonderful tho..

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#425513 - 02/17/13 12:00 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Coping mechiniziams are what the mind comes up with to survive. When things don't make sene or are overwhelming our mind do a work around. I not an expert on this but that's my take.

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#425516 - 02/17/13 12:08 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Originally Posted By: irishguym

I've spent my life thinking well if I was gay it'd make the pleasure fact okay (which I know is not true) or if I was a woman that would somehow make the pleasure fact okay.


This is the dilemma that can't be reconciled. If. If.
You have I think not identified as gay
So that leaves your with one alternative if only in a symbolic mechiniziams.
This is not a right or wrong this is a clue.
Why are you in the original dilemma?
The abuse

These mechiniziams saved me and I would venture to say hav saved many of us here.

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#425517 - 02/17/13 12:14 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
The symbols are the key to all of this. Male - Female. Symbols and guilt about the pleasure. Good stuff to talk about with your T.

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#425518 - 02/17/13 12:17 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
And ultimately dressing up has got to be a lot healthier than the alternative...Talking with a T can't come soon enough

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#425569 - 02/17/13 01:46 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Irish, yes, this is such a worthy understanding.

Originally Posted By: irishguym
And ultimately dressing up has got to be a lot healthier than the alternative...


This was one of the things that saved you. Be at peace with it.

I was just thinking how I look for natural medicines befor pharmaceuticals, just because there are a lot of good natural ways that don't have the long term health risks.

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#425574 - 02/17/13 01:56 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
I try to be at peace with it but it seems like another avenue to isolation..

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#425575 - 02/17/13 02:04 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Isolation? Do you mean because you do this alone instead of socializing?

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#425580 - 02/17/13 02:12 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Ya just seems like something that keeps me hidden..alone

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#425586 - 02/17/13 02:58 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
So this has a big shame component?

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#425588 - 02/17/13 03:07 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Certainly not as big as the other stuff but ya it's there-the fact that as a man I shouldn't have the fantasies that I do-and as a man I shouldn't have to dress away to feel comfort.

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#425591 - 02/17/13 03:41 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
It sounds like you are ready more and more to deal with the under liying abuse.
This other stuff is symptomatic. It will take care of its self. What happen, the csa, that's the real work.

Does your T do EMDR?

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#425596 - 02/17/13 03:56 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
I'm not sure if he does

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#425668 - 02/18/13 07:19 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Do you know if he has a good background working with male csa survivors?

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#425680 - 02/18/13 10:03 AM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Yes he does-doing it for like 30 years

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#426142 - 02/22/13 12:57 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:10 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426149 - 02/22/13 02:48 PM Re: Searching for understanding [Re: irishguym]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 42
Thank you so much for the support. Airing things out here and finally meeting with a therapist has taken such a huge weight off of me. To know that I'm not alone helps and to hear from a doctor that I'm not crazy has helped to lol I could almost feel the shame of some of it leave my body just hearing a professional say it.

I know it's going to be a lengthy road but I'm glad to finally be on it.

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