Well to sum things up, I was abused from the ages of 11-14 by a male doctor. I am 34 now over the years I've struggled with homosexual thoughts..it's never been an everyday as I've gone months or even years without it even crossing my mind.

I will admit that in the past there's been the occassional attraction to men but it's nothing like my attraction to women. The attraction to men is almost exclusively about the sexual acts.

As I was sick a lot as a child during the winter that was when the abuse primarily happened so when this time of year comes around and I'm not overly busy in my day to day life the urges seem to peak.

In the past I've acted out on the urges (usually while drunk) and then felt sick/overwhelming guilt about it-I am fighting very hard to fight the urges...

It has been suggested in the past that I look to form emotional relationships with a man and if the progresses to something sexual so be it..but I'm not sure that is a healthy avenue to go down.

I'm sure this all sounds rambling and crazy lol but I'm trying to get this all out in as healthy a way as possible.

I grapple with some of the same issues. I am now forming relationships with other men, some gay, some not. I am finding it is not about the sexuality for me but about relating to other guys. I guess that is what you meant by forming emotional relationships. To me, that is also known as intimacy which means close personal relationships.

Since I was abused, close personal relationships got sex thrown into the mix so it is very confusing about my feelings and wanting to be close and having unresolved issues about sex that I have never felt comfortable discussing and most people don't want to discuss either. From my experience, I am not seeking emotional bonds with other men in order to be sexual with them. I don't know that is what you are saying but this a tender area. I guess each of us can only relate his own experience.

Edit: I'm sorry that you were abused.

I think the suggestion has been to form bonds with guys and if it naturally develops into something sexual that means more about my identity then just getting drunken/acting out and regretting it.

Thank you for your response-it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Hello Irishguym, Welcome to MaleSurvivor!
You are not alone with same sex attractions, many of us have it as scar from past and many of us still learning how to cope with it.
I found great support here in this community, there are a lot of different resources offered to us, hope you'll find something that suites you!
Keep sharing with us

Pero

Welcome Irish,

You're certainly not alone. Here's what I think is going on, based on my own journey of self-discovery.

Because the doctor was a monster, you dissociated to protect yourself from what he was doing to you. The part of you that experienced the sex acts is the part of you that feels SSA now. It isn't all of you. In fact, you identify as straight. But there's this part of you that wants to recreate the abuse, like a tape loop or a broken record.

The guilt is a manifestation of your primary self dealing with what your dissociated self has done. That's why it feels discordant, psychically. That's why emotional relationships with a man don't make sense, because your primary self isn't interested in it. It's only your secondary self that seeks to act out to recreate the abuse, and then go back into hiding.

I know this because that's me, too. That's a lot of us here. Now, the next question: What to do about it?

You need to look for an EMDR therapist in your area that has training with DID. EMDR is an eye-movement based treatment for PTSD; it helps the brain to reprocess the traumatic events. DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which in its worst case is Multiple Personality Disorder, which is not what you have... but you are on the spectrum, like many of us here.

I live in an under-served area, mental health wise, and I just found a EMDR therapist with DID training, so it is possible.

Good luck, stay strong, and we're here for you.

Cant

Thank you for the replies. Today is the first day that I've ever felt "okay" with my thoughts and not totally alone.

Irish

I am grateful you found this website but regret that you qualify

The men here have been in your shoes

Hang in there and keep coming back

I've been completely overwhelmed to read through so many thread and see so many stories echoing what I've been feeling all these years.

I have searched out a local therapist because of this site and am set to meet with him this week. I'm not sure that'll I'll ever get the answers or comfort that I've been searching for but knowing that I'm not alone and not bat shit crazy has lifted a giant weight off of my shoulders.

Hang on my Irish brother. If it is overwhelming reading many stories here it is good for me sometimes to take short break to get focus back on my healing.
Yes it is incredible good to know that there are other men with similar problems. You are not alone!
I've read your story, it took a lot of courage to write it, you did great work, keep it up like that and share your burden with us!

Pero

Thank you for writing. It is helpful to read about what other guys have experienced. I struggle with just having a friendship with other guys. After my abuse, my views on friendship are really screwed up. I don't want to have a buddy so that it can be sexual, but in the past boundaries were broken and I felt like I had no right to say no, and the price I had to pay for being friends with someone was to succumb to sexual advances. I had to let myself be hurt in order to have a friend. Hearing that someone else has been through similar experiences makes me feel no so alone.