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#424683 - 02/08/13 10:51 AM more than just pissed
iamnotbubba Offline


Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 114
Loc: Colorado
Today, I feel angry. So very angry. I just woke up angry! I can't understand how angry I am right now. When will the anger subside? I am struggling to keep calm. I am struggling to keep my cool. I am just fucking angry!!

Trying not not met it get to me. My anger is a valid emotion that will pass in time. just seems to be rather consistent lately.

I am angry because my mother abandoned me and sent me to AFB’s office to be abused. I am angry because she talks so damn much!!!!! I am angry because she won't listen to me. I am angry because in order for me to keep my sanity I have to stay away and no longer have a relationship with her. I am angry that my kids won't have the grandmother that they deserve. I am angry I don't have the mother I deserve. I am angry she invades my dreams and causes all of these issues to crop up at the worst times. I am angry the mere mention of her name causes such painful triggers and emotions.

I am angry at the loss of the idealised mother. I am angry at the reality of her.

Today I feel angry that i will have to mourn her loss twice. I really wish I could have done this after she was in the ground. ( of natural causes of course)

Today I am usually not on here asking for help from my brothers in anguish, Today I am in need of support.

Today, I wanted to share a letter that I wrote to my mom a few weeks ago. I won't publish it on my website because I fear that she may read it .

Quote:
I never set out to be this way. Do I frighten you? If I could have chosen to be someone else, I think that would be nice. To be strong and fearless like the image you present. Callus and disconnected from reality like the others in your world. Oblivious.

Oblivious Idiot,

Do I frighten you? Does my pain cause you grief? How can I, your son, comfort you? Comfort your betrayal? Comfort your disappointment in how life has worked out? Comfort your hurt when I am bleeding out and nearly expired? You cover up your hypoxia with the bandage of words. Your fears cloaked with endless babblings as if you were an infant child that is enraptured by the sound of her own voice. Do you ever get tired of talking? I am chronically exhausted of hearing your voice. Each time I think of calling like before to hear you talk at me, fatigue saps all life out of me. I can't do it anymore. I can't talk to you. You don’t listen. Ever since I was 11 years old you haven’t listened to me. You talk and talk and talk. Now, 30 years later I am shutting my ears to you. Its my turn to speak. Then we will be done.

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Did you hear me? I am speaking now. Mom, you are such an oblivious idiot! So focused on your own mirror you can't see when your own flesh and blood is drowning in the shit you caused! Can you hear me? Did you hear me? Will you listen to me? FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Your incoherent babble Like static on the radio unintelligible. My only wish to tune to another frequency.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
Shut the fuck up!

Your husband died 30 years ago. I am sorry for your loss. He is not ME!!! Don’t you remember? My name is Joel. I am your son. You were there when I was born, weren't you? Perhaps you were too busy impressing the doctor about your first pregnancy to show up to your last one? Must I introduce myself? FUCK YOU! My name is Joel! Your husband, Harold, is in the ground. I loved him as well. Time ticks on. You didn't. Instead you found me to become your husband. You transferred all of your shit onto me. I was a boy! I couldn't take it! Your shit was too heavy. My back is broken. I am crippled and in great pain.

Did you hear me? I am Joel. I am your son. I am not your husband.

Shut the fuck up!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! I am not him!
I am Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!

Since I was 11 years old, you talked at me. you didn't allow me to speak. I learned very early on to tune you out. Just as you did to me with your endless worries. Then when I thought I had heard it all and there was nothing more to say. You start all over again. Or manufacture something new.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! I am not him!
Hello, My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!

What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of me? Do you think that if you pray real hard and deny traumas existence. That it will go away? That I will go away? That has never happened and will never happen. Faith and denial do not work the same way. Instead as you have wished, I am going away. I won’t hear you anymore. Your vanity has pushed me away. You thought you could hire others to raise me by sending me off to private schools. Don't you think you could have done that? Do you think your presence would have done a better job? Than complete strangers? You remind me of how utterly unsafe and devalued you treated me as a boy and now as an adult. Your selfish constantness remind me how little you think of me.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
Shut the fuck up!
I am me! I am not him!
Shut the fuck up!
Hello, My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.

You said I needed a father-figure. What the FUCK was wrong with you? Couldn't that be YOU? Instead, I got the message that I wasn't good enough for you. Instead, I spent the last 30 years trying to prove my worth to your absentia. Instead, I spent the last 30 years trying to earn the respect, love and attention that I deserved just for being me, your son! Instead, I spent the last 30 years trying to earn your presence rather than your presents. The stench of your gifts are rotten in my nose. The faecal odor of your gifts covered in grimy strings connected to false sense of gratitude and obligation.


A male role model. A male role model! You said I needed a male role model! What the FUCK was wrong with you? Perhaps if you would have cared enough about me. I wouldn’t have been ass raped by the man you said I needed! If you would have cared enough about me instead of your stupid wallet. If you would have shut the fuck up, perhaps I could have told you before it happened. If you would have cared enough about me to raise me your own damn self. I’d be just as fucked up and oblivious as you.

Shut the fuck up!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! Your son!!
I raised me. You paid commitment.
My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!

Why do you project all of your shit onto me? As if I can cure your hypoxic cancer. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! Listen to me! You did this to you! Don't blame me! My life is my own. I am not responsible for yours. Perhaps if you shut up you could breathe on your own and wouldn't rely on others.

Shut the Fuck UP!!!
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
I am me! I am not him!
I raised me. You paid commitment.
My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.
Shut the fuck up!



If I open my mouth, Will you shut yours and listen?

FUCK! YOU TALK TOO DAMN MUCH!!!

If I speak, will you open your mind to what I have to say?

You pushed me away! Away! Could you not bear me?

You pushed me away! Away! Could you not raise me?

You pushed me away! Away! Could you not see me?

Your abandonment. wounds my flesh as it were a cut with a thousand acid soaked blades.




If I open my mouth, Will you shut yours and listen?

My name is Joel. I am me all by myself.

My name is Joel. I am not Harrold

My name is Joel. I am not you.

I am not your savior, I am not your rescuer. I am not your husband.

I am your son. I am Joel. I am gone.

iamnotbubba
_________________________
iamnotbubba

http://www.perpetuallyhealing.com/

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#424700 - 02/08/13 01:04 PM Re: more than just pissed [Re: iamnotbubba]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 185
Loc: Puget Sound
Iamnotbubba it all resonates very strongly with me, my mother was just as sick and twisted as you describe yours. It’s so sad the one person on this planet that is supposed to be there for you no matter what to support you to love you isn’t there for you yet demands you pay homage to “mother”. The anger in your letter doesn’t go far enough does it, every ounce of your soul hates her, will hate her forever, and when you realize that no matter what she’ll always look at you like some freak of a man, like some urchin dweller from the sewers, that nothing you do or say will ever be able to get through to her that she’ll always live in this “dream world” of hers that has no room for who you really are or the capacity to love you, just plain sucks! No matter what you’ll never be her idea of a “man” never her ideal of a “son”, it’s so sick and twisted she can’t look in the mirror and see that she’s not a molecule of her ideal of a “mother”, the wtf moment like what is her malfunction, she wants this and that and expects so much from you but is so eff’d up herself that all she can do or say is some insult, something so vile I won’t even reprint it here, something so destructive that even now it’s hard to think about all the mental torture she willingly unleashed on your soul.

FUCK HER!!!

Iamnotbubba your letter is something I’d like to write, I’d send it, the wife just doesn’t want any shit from her towards her and her family so I endure maintaining a “relationship” that ended when I was 14.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424705 - 02/08/13 01:32 PM Re: more than just pissed [Re: iamnotbubba]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I applaud your writing, I love how you clearly draw the line. "Shut the fuck up" It's so right of you to say that, to stand up for you, to be your own man. That anger is good anger. It is right anger, if you need a way to let it out, scream and shout if you can. I can't ever let my anger out because I'm never alone, I live with my parents, the very people I'm angry with. But if I could give any advice, it could be something as simple as scream and shout. I've heard it can be empowering, especially if you've ever felt you had no voice, and from what I'm hearing you were always forced to listen, but now you're taking your voice back. Be angry, because you were wronged, but focus that anger and it can be very empowering.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#424769 - 02/09/13 06:03 AM Re: more than just pissed [Re: iamnotbubba]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3488
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: iamnotbubba
I am angry because my mother abandoned me and sent me to AFB’s office to be abused. I am angry because she talks so damn much!!!!! I am angry because she won't listen to me. I am angry because in order for me to keep my sanity I have to stay away and no longer have a relationship with her. I am angry that my kids won't have the grandmother that they deserve. I am angry I don't have the mother I deserve. I am angry she invades my dreams and causes all of these issues to crop up at the worst times. I am angry the mere mention of her name causes such painful triggers and emotions.

I am angry at the loss of the idealised mother. I am angry at the reality of her.

Today I feel angry that i will have to mourn her loss twice. I really wish I could have done this after she was in the ground. ( of natural causes of course)


Joel - i have felt much like you do now. i hated the fact that my mom was willfully blind to what was being done to me. but with us it was happening all under our own roof. she abandoned me to the hands of her husband - the step-father and refused to see what was happening beneath her very nose. she would have a headache or say i was being disciplined or just flat-out deny that something was true. from the time i was 11 i knew i was on my own. after he died i thought we could have a relationship again. i brought up an event that was major to me - and she said it never happened and refused to even talk about it. at that point i knew it was hopeless. for the 2nd time i was abandoned.

i know how much it hurts. my advice is to avoid any more contact with her if at all possible. it is a toxic situation. your recovery is the most important thing - and she cannot help you - and can do you a lot more harm. i would even think of editing your letter to make it more concise and socially acceptable and sending it. i waited too long and now my mom has Alzheimer's. up to you - of course i don't know all the context and family dynamics.

and i know what you mean about losing your mother twice. i honestly can't imagine how i will feel when mine dies. at this point, i think i have already done all my grieving. and that includes the mourning for the mother i never had - or that i lost to him when i was 5 1/2 and they married.

anyway - i wanted to offer you some understanding and support.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#424776 - 02/09/13 06:58 AM Re: more than just pissed [Re: iamnotbubba]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3617
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on buddy,
Must admit that my heart is breaking seeing children struggling with toxic parents.
Please look how to stay away from her at any cost. You wrote great message to her!

It would be great if you could send that message to her (with some editing like Lee-traveler said), it would be good message not just for her but to you also, you could felt reveled as you would do something to protect against her.
Hang on!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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