Hi, I'm Paul, and I'm new here. I don't know much about what happened to me when when I was 4, but I've started to remember enough to know I belong here.

I just read Cec Murphey's book "When a man you love..." and started going to a county-run support group for male survivors.

Welcome to the site Paul. My sexual abuse started around age five, and earlier for verbal and physical abuse at home. My family doesn't know I was molested, and all of it lasted through childhood. So I think I understand how you feel. I signed up here last July, and this site has been awesome for me. We have different stories here, but shared hurts and you are in the right place to help with healing. Welcome brother!

hi, Paul - and welcome!

i was 5 when it started, too - and for a long time did not remember anything. most of it has come back to me in the last couple of years. it's hard to know which is worse - not knowing - or having to face it all. if you are anything like me, some of the stories you read here may trigger your own memories - or at least resonnate emotionally - and help you figute it out. this is a very supportive community that i have found to be a major contributor to my recovery.

all the best as you begin your journey with us,
Lee

Welcome Paul,

This site can play a big part in your recovery. Use it wisely, contribute where you can, and get off your chest whatever is troubling you. You're with guys who "get it". Thats rare and wonderful, though I wish we were all deep sea fishing instead.

Jude

Hey Paul....
Sounds like you are taking a good step by coming here and sharing what you did. If it helps I can tell you that through the many years of recovery I have done I came to find out that there was clearly a lot of bad stuff happenning around me when I was as early as age 4. I know of one clear story that my mother has told me that is one of the earliest accounts. My adoptive father came into the picture soon after my natural father died when I was less than one year old. I was young enough that I was in a play pen. My father was drinking. Something made him upset and he took it out on me by picking me up and then throwing me down in the play pen to the point that I bounced up off the floor of the play pen. It scared my Mom but she did not od anything about it. When I have done age regression work I typically go back to when I was around 4 years old and I have this strong sense that it was unsafe and I do not have memories of being treated in ways that let me know I was loved, nurtured, etc. Earliest concrete memories of my adoptive father were how I and siblings and our friends were all scared of him. He would be loud, critical and I don't remember him giving positive or affirming messages at all back then...there was lots of times he pointed out what was wrong with the things I had done. A lot of affirming messages in my men's work, therapy sessions (individula and group), and 12 step work has helped tremendously over the years.