I am new to this site. Glad it's here.
It is only in the last few years that I have started to get glimpses of "memories" of abuse by my father as a young child. Until then, they had been totally occluded.
I have become VERY reclusive, but last night I decided to take a chance and check out some free live music at an Open Mic near me. The place was fairly crowded (which was already a bit uncomfortable for me) with mainly middle-aged men (which SHOULD have made me feel secure - since that is my peer group.) But after I was there for only a short time, I started to feel panic.
I left to go for a walk. I had my hands in my coat pocket and noticed that my right hand was twitching back and forth. I was aware of it happening, but somehow it made me feel a little calmer. It seemed weird (and made me think I might be going a little crazy) but I "felt" as though I could just stop it at any time - but I didn't. I walked all of the way across town with my hand twitching in my pocket until I reached the waterfront. I walked down to the edge of the water and stood with my shoes just at the edge of the lapping water and finally started to calm down. I consciously "transferred" the twitch to my left hand and then let it fade away.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night and have been feeling very depressed all day today.

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Sorry you're going through this stuff too!!
A few years ago I was beating the dust out of a futon mattress and I just went wild - hitting and punching it uncontrollably. I didn't consciously do it, but I saw my father as that futon. I don't know how long this went on, but I finally collapsed - totally exhausted. After that, I started to have little glimpses of memories. Nothing very full and real yet, but just glimpses.
I started piecing together little clues from my past and looked at my very strained relationship with my father.
The weird thing is that I have been a teacher for many years, and I have been trained in spotting the signs of abuse in children. I just never spotted them in myself. Looking back, I can see so many signs in my life that SHOULD have been recognized. But I have been living my whole life in a mental prison.

Gleeran - welcome to our community.

though i've never had the hand-twitch thing happen, something in your second post struck a chord with me:



that was me, too. in fact it was a required seminar for all teachers on child protection - prevention of abuse and intervention - that started cracking open the walls of my "mental prison." lots of memories started trickling and then flooding in. that was a couple of years ago and now the walls lie in rubble. it has been a tough process but worth the work. i encourage you to persevere. this place has been a big part of whatever recovery progress i've made.

Lee

Thanks.
I am glad to hear that your walls have been crumbling down. I am looking forward to that day for me (I HOPE!!!)
It is kind of amazing to me that something SO SIGNIFICANT could be so totally occluded from memory! And also how it can so totally affect one's life.

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Sometimes when I'm stressed out, or just in a crowded room my right hand will shake. I put it in my pocket so no one sees it... I've been tested to make sure I don't have a physical illness causing this... Just some sort of coping mechanism I guess.

Welcome Gleeran; the human brain is an amazing organ add on top of it the human mind and you have something that it infinitely complex and incomprehensible. I had forgotten for 40+ years abuse that started @2 and ended @7, as I remembered here and there I remember more and more down to lamp shades and wall color, to me now it’s not what the human mind can forget it’s what hasn’t been remembered yet. Your body knows, your mind knows, your soul knows, but you have no conscious memory, these are horrific violations not just on your body and soul but your entire being, add to that your limited life experience and it doesn’t make it hard to believe you forget; heck even adults can forget they were raped, additionally mental and emotional make-up have a lot to do with it too as well. You start to add 2&2 together and it just all adds up everything finally makes sense, there is no doubt there are no more questions, your whole, damaged and empty but whole, and if you can just push back the pain just for a second, you can see the future for the first time in your life, you see something that doesn’t reflect the fear in your soul; hope.

Cee

Thanks for putting into words what I could not. I remember the fat belly the T shirt, the gold medal around his neck and the smell of the room and rug as I was forced into it. Yes, it can get better, slow but it takes work and willingness.

I am glad you are facing the past. It is hard and the memories can be overwhelming. I know sleep has been an issue, and I think tiredness compounds the emotions. It can be a roller coaster of a ride--some good days and some bad days. Over time the pain should ease--but the time frame is different for each of us.

Take care and hopefully you are see a therapist and/or support group.

Keep well and move at a pace you feel safe.