What was it like when your partner started healing and making some changes for the better? Although my husband has a long way to go, he is improving and doing better since he started therapy. The problem I am facing now is that since he is doing better, I feel worse! I am so proud of him, but I am having a very difficult time adjusting to this new person. I have spent the last two years not trusting him, dealing with codependency issues, waiting for the next blowup that those things are what I know...I have changed so much during this time that I didn't realize just how engrossed in his issues I had become. And now that he is proving himself more and more, I am the one disappointing him with my untrusting questioning.

I apologized to him for questioning his motives during this time where he is really trying to be better. He forgave me, but he also said, "This train is leaving, so you better hop on board." I guess he meant that he is going to continually get better, so I better get ready for it.

It's weird that you wait and wait for the day to come where he finally starts to have some better days. You think you are ready, but instead it feels so shocking because during that time you have been waiting for him, you too have changed.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Similar feelings when your husband started improving? Don't get me wrong, this is all great and I will find a way to "hop on board," but I am so surprised by these emotions I'm experiencing related to his healing.

your trust has been destroyed. you hopped on board of his trauma as well. you too need to heal now and he better understands that too, because so did you. after being traumatized like you were, we do have the right on time and healing and his understanding. if he cant produce that, then one day we need to accept that it was a one sided support. instead of him seeing your frequent questions as push back or push down, he needs to see them as safety guard and care not to hop back on the wrong train. your partner likes it or not, but recovering from abuse and all that comes with it is a life time struggle. at what point exactly then would you have to stop your questions just to make him feel better. he also lived with you probably for years without even telling you how fake he was. now as its a life time struggle, the risk doesnt just go away by becoming better. he shoudl be happy you can feel something like pride over what he has reached. but the doubts stay, unless you are seperated or you dont care anymore. then your lifetime struggle is over rather soon, but his will still remain.

ela

RachelMac,

I felt exactly the same for some time. I eventually came to the conclusion that I would be left behind if I did not do something.

You need to look after yourself. You may find that you are dedicating all your spare time to his healing but in actual fact you need to heal as well.

My husband and I have both evolved to a certain degree and I think that is what has enabled us to heal and after 10 years (he declared his abuse to me about 10 years ago) I can say that we are happy and he sees himself as a thriver, no longer just a survivor.

What did I do? I got involved as a volunteer for Hospice and found that whilst I was councelling terminally ill patients I started feeling a sense of achievement for me. I was helping someone outside the confines of my home.

It is very scary when this person who has either been your rock or you have been his rock, suddenly does not need you that much anymore. It almost feels like "the empty nest syndrome "when your children leave home, that you may be losing your purpose.

It sounds like he is very lucky to have you, you appear to be accepting of the situation and that is an excellent start.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Rose

Hi RachelMac, I liked your post. i can't relate entirely but i am going through something with my older sister. I am female surivor turned thriver - I am watching now what it's like to have have compassion towards my family who loved thru "my truth" - the damange and hurt they till have, those that believed me, loved me through my journey and now ... i'm all better and they're still back there hurting and questioning WHY DID THAT HAPPEN TO MY SISTER and HOW DO I LET IT GO? Society still has much improvements to make - especially to spouses or other family members who play such an integral role to the survivor. You are wounded too. You have taken on our pain, listened to the dreadful stories, witnessed our sabotage on ourselves and those we love the most ...and then we start our journey, i hear it's quite common to feel left behind. I love Rose's recommendations ...use this time to find you. i respect and admire people (spouses) like YOU a whole bunch.

Thanks for your kind replies. I really have been neglecting myself and I know I need to fix that.

Now that he is in therapy, he is stirring up a lot of crap from his past and even though he is now headed in the right direction, I feel sometimes like things are still getting worse. He is picking fights with me, etc. He is viewing pornography more...is this normal???? Will it get worse still before he heals?

Today was a bad day.

YES! I feel the same way. My H is slowly changing and I am so surprised by my reactions to it. Like you I am thrilled but also keep waiting for the next meltdown or new crap to surface. Sometimes on days when H is being really sweet I find myself wanting to put him through the ringer and discuss the past. I know this isn't helpful so I go process on my own but trying to trust this new guy it tuff. Sometimes I'm outright mean this weekend he called to tell me he was going to visit his friend is the next town over and asked what I thought about it. I said " well I don't see why you care what I think about it. You've been taking off on me for years and never gave a shit about my feelings before " yes I know this was a spiteful childish response but somedays I mess up. I hope this passes soon. It would help me a lot if H and I could talk openly about what's gone on and how things are changing but we don't. Sometimes I wonder if its because he has so much guilt that it is just too much right now so I am trying to be patient.

I hear you HD! I do the same thing. The other day he asked me what I wanted for dinner and I almost fell out of my chair! And I too feel like I want to question him about the past when he has good days. I guess it feels safer to talk about it when it's a good day. Sometimes the conversations on those "good" days go well, other times it goes really bad. We just aren't communicating well right now. I have to figure out how to trust again.

I feel as he heals in theory you will build a new past. The new past will be full of trust and honesty, and the lies and hurt will fall to the distant past. Given the distant past patience is required. Your feelings are natural and deserve to be addressed. Good luck! This is not easy on anyone. In the meantime make sure you are getting help too. You have also sustained trauma. I know for me we poured all our resources into making my husband healthy, my healing has been secondary. I don't think that was a good idea.