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#424528 - 02/06/13 05:14 PM A cry for help.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I have a lot to feel about. And lately I feel a lot. Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt? That your felt nauseous, that it literally hurt so much you couldn't bear it? Surely you all must've felt it at some point, but it's hard to remember exactly how it feels until you feel it again. When suicide sounds like a painkiller. When you feel like there's nothing left to live for? It's almost like heartbreak, but times a thousand. I was in love with my cousin for 13 years, we had sex for 13 years, I'm told it was abusive, I realize it was abusive, but I don't care. Those 13 years of my life were complete, I feel like I've already felt the best there is that life has to offer and now it's gone forever. I don't know how to deal with the loss of my best friend, my Curtis. My mind is not right, through 13 years I attached to him, we lived co-dependently. Whether or not it was abusive doesn't make anything better or worse I don't fucking care anymore. The loss is too great. I've felt this pain twice in my life, and I feel it coming back. I don't know what to do, but I hurt so badly inside. I remember everything now, practically everything. It's the sharp contrast that kills me, I want to slip away into those memories again.

Again, I can't hope to explain myself, and yet I yearn to be understood. I want to speak an oceans full of words but fear they'll fall to def ears.

What will make this pain go away? I'm on the brink of disaster. I don't even know why I'm asking, words on a screen amount to nothing, I need the sound of a voice, the tenderness of compassion, I need someone to comfort me, and I have nobody. I know nor know of anybody who understands and loves me.

I have to conform to a world my brain doesn't understand. I am limited by the society that failed to raise me. I am alone, I am in the wrong place. I have to assimilate into society and it feels impossible. Is there a such thing as too far gone or is it against a psychologists morals to say so? I may never be happy, I will always hold this within me, I can only hope to conform and function, and if I'm lucky, in comfort. But happiness for me is a wild fantasy that doesn't exist, so I have to change my definition of happiness, I have to relearn what it is. Because for now it does not exist.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#424531 - 02/06/13 05:51 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 819
Loc: michigan
hey bud
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.It helps to remember this is one of the reasons that csa is so harmful. from where you are right now it seems hopeless and that there is nothing to look forward to. Those are things we cannot know man, but the outlook is not as bleak as it might seem. Life is always change. you are not the person you were thirteen years ago and tomorrow you will not be the same person as today. That is where hope arises if we can let it. It will take time and a lot of hard work but you can be happy and fulfilled and complete. meanwhile take advantage of what this site has to offer and get your bearings. Life still has a LOT to offer you hope it begins soon
Jeff


Edited by newground (02/06/13 05:52 PM)
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#424533 - 02/06/13 06:29 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Cloudy,

I just wanted to say that I too have experienced these periods of overwhelming feeling like you're describing now. It feels unsurvivable... or like falling down a black hole with no bottom. I've been there.

I'm not sure what the solution is, other than eventually I come through the other end. I have found going to see a movie in the cinema helps my mind and my emotions re-calibrate. Not sure what it is about seeing a movie in the cinema, but this does seem to help.

Hang in there, brother. You are not alone.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424566 - 02/07/13 01:57 AM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I've been there too... when the pain is so overwhelming that you want to scream but all you can manage is a gasp and a whimper... when every breath you take physically hurts... yes. I've been there.

I don't know what will make it stop, but I do know that it has always ended - there is an other side. I wish I could be there in person - be the voice you need to hear, but I can't. Believe me when I say my compassion is very real - I remember too vividly what that pain feels like to feel anything else...

You are not alone!
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#424567 - 02/07/13 02:13 AM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cdlphn Offline


Registered: 01/27/13
Posts: 9
I want to also add to what extent I have felt the kind of intense crisis and pain that you describe CloudyFalls in the spirit that it may help to connect with others here who can understand what you are describing. I went through a period of time when I was actively thinking about suicide and was on the brink of doing it. Having gotten to the other side and noot having gone back to that place is a big part of why I have such passion in offering support to others who are at these kinds of places.

I also wish that I could be there in person. I find the chats at this website I have participated in to be very good since you get to receive support from another CSA brother real time-albeit through words in cyber space versus being able to see each other.

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#424621 - 02/07/13 01:35 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt? That your felt nauseous, that it literally hurt so much you couldn't bear it?


Yes, Cloudy. I've found myself curled up in a fetal position on the floor, screaming and crying, unable to stop, wanting to die. You're not alone.

I can't really comment on your relationship with your cousin because I'm no expert on incest. But the fact that you are so troubled about it now suggests that it was not a healthy experience for you. There are resources for you. Try the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network www.rainn.org. Good luck to you, and as you know, we are always here for you.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#424643 - 02/07/13 07:01 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6607
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt?


There's SO much in your post to reply to, MS does not own enough disc-space to store it.
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt?


Hell yes!!!! Every Day!!!!

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt?


The Psychiatrist, my MD and some Ts call it "depression." After years and years of feeling like my lungs and heart were having knife-fights every freakin day, I told them I will not take that easy, broad definition of MY unique pain one more day!

Its NOT DEPRESSION!!!!! Its NOT!!!

Its my own unique pain that feels like it will kill me! I call it "pain."

But Cloudy! You are fully one-for-one understood. And what you describe is as you describe it...."Pain" Maybe its Utter DISPARE? But dispare is pain!

You have every right to feel this without qualifiers, without explanation to those who "don't get it."

Just remember...WE get it!!!

And I know this does not help your pain, and I'm so sorry.
_________________________
Hell needs firewood too ya know!

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#424657 - 02/07/13 10:46 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
I meant submit this after Still's post because what he discribed is what I have lived with for as long as I can rmembeer.My heart and chest area literally experience this pain that feels like someone is squeezing my heart.It is terrible and I longed for someone to please take it away and yes death seems inviting then.Just to be rid of it.There seems to be no way or place to get rid ofit. I usually end up curled up on the couch and finally the blesssing of tears comes and starts to releive it.
No Cloudy you are not alone. At least you know you are not going crazy or singled out.
I heard the lyris to a song from the movie "Dead man walking " that said "My heart is sore". At the time it was the best discription of the pain I had heard espressed.

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#424662 - 02/08/13 12:45 AM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
what you wrote is beautiful. and dude.. i understand. IŽll send a pm. thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings

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#424664 - 02/08/13 01:25 AM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Daniel,

Good to see you online. We tried to PM you but you are over your inbox limit, apparently. Maybe clean out some old messages so we can say hi.

but I don't mean to distract us from supporting Cloudy in his thread. Cloudy, can you let us know how you're doing?

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424686 - 02/08/13 12:10 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I had group therapy last night and it was very dissatisfying. It's called a support group for a reason. And you'd think that the two psychologists that help run it would understand the difference between support, advice, and flat out telling me what to do. I felt like I got minimal support followed by mostly backlash. But because of confidentiality I'll report only on how the session made me feel.

If any of you have read my other threads, you'll understand what caused this crisis for me, I'm grieving a horrendous loss, the loss of my abuser, my brother, my cousin, my best friend, my completion, my everything (These are all what he was to me in my mind). And the disappointment in myself for succumbing to the pressure to label him a heinous monster even thought we were both kids, both unable to consent, and both for a general sense, innocent. I refuse to call my cousin anything but a human who made a mistake.

But back to how group made me feel. I felt that one of the therapist was being pretentious and conceited and was only going by the books (which where most definately bias against perpetrators, which is justified don't get me wrong, but to let that bias trickle down to child perpetrators is hypocritical and irrational, especially if the child perpetrator was himself sexually abused) I felt age stereotyped because I'm 20 and the rest of them are 30's, 40's, 50's, and even 60's and that makes me really angry. I am well above my peers in wisdom and in intellect, I am being boxed into some kind of one size fits all bullshit, and I know I'm strong and well minded. But I kept hearing them doubt me, all I heard was you can't, you shouldn't, because they think I'm just some regular old know nothing 20 some kid (and I guess it doesn't help that I look 16-17). I can't stand it, and maybe they're frustrated because it took me 1 year to get where they are now from 5-10 years. I learn fast, I move fast, I am strong, and I push forward, treat me as an individual not as a perception or a stereotype! I'm sick of people who think I don't know what I'm doing just because I'm young, and I know it's a stereotype that people my age think they know everything, but I AM NOT LIKE THEM, I ADMIT WHEN I'M WRONG, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES, I LISTEN TO REASON, I AM OPEN MINDED, I AM FREE OF THE LIMITATIONS PUT ON PEOPLE OF MY AGE GROUP. I have NEVER succumbed to peer pressure in a negative way, I am strong in my will and in my self. And I would think a SUPPORT group would try and help reinforce my believe in myself, not contradict and question it! I was actually told, by one CSA survivor, that he'd rather not have heard my story because it was too difficult to hear. WTF!? THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN THERAPY? I am angry now, I am sick of being downtrodden, I am sick of being under-estimated.

I know who the fuck I am and I know what the fuck I am capable of. I've made it this far and I DO NOT plan to step down, EVER.

By the way, thank you guys for all the SUPPORT you've given me, this is what I should've got from my support group, but you guys are great, thank you so much. I wish we all never had to feel this pain I spoke of, but it makes me feel better at least knowing that there are people who can understand the pain I am talking of, but not because there are people out there who have had to endure it.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#424708 - 02/08/13 02:24 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Cloudy,

You're doing great. PM me if you ever want to. We have a lot in common.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424710 - 02/08/13 03:15 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
Thanks Cant,

I want to post this here for anyone else who feels lost, who feels the pain I have felt. I want to try and help to show them it does subside, and it won't be like this forever. Here's a memoir of just the beginning of last year as taken from my journal.

---

It's like a war inside my head.

Struggling to understand my morals and beliefs. Drowning in my memories, such deep remorse that brings great shame and guilt. The darkness tears me down & shatters the beliefs I once had. Forsaken by God, my soul screaming out for anything. It's ripping me apart. I see no answers, nothing makes sense.

But there's so many questions. The darkness shackles my ankles and pulls me deeper into the abyss, I can't breathe. It's unbearable pain, my mind is eating me alive. I tell myself I don't deserve anything, I failed the ones I loved most.

I hurt so bad. Everything hurts me, I can't even eat. I don't know what to do, everything hurts no matter what. I've had to force myself just to take a shower, I have to force myself to eat. It hurts so bad sometimes it hurts just to breathe. With each breathe I take, more pain comes in. I can feel my body failing me. I have such deep emotional pain, no one could ever understand.

I have told everybody, I'm a fucking open book to everybody. Nobody has made me feel any better. No doctor, No professional, No family member, Not even my own mother and father can help me. I have no friends, I don't even know what a friend is. I don't know how to be a friend either.

I just want this nightmare to end.

---

That was a year ago, and I've felt this on and off last year, but now this year I felt it just this week and it's subsided enough to go on. I'm no miracle, I'm still lonely at times, I have no friends. All I have is my mom and dad (who failed me, yet I've forgiven) my therapist (who I didn't even like until now) and that's about it. I only just got into group at the turn of this year. It's not going amazingly, but who knows, It could help. If I can inspire you to hold on, just hold on. The pain will come and go, and the more you learn to deal with it, the more you face it, the more you can handle it. It gets smaller and smaller, maybe not in intensity, but in duration. I'm making it, you can too. I'm not miracle, I am who I am, a survivor, and you are too. But you have to face that pain, you cannot run, it's impossible. And for anyone out there asking how can I make this pain more endurable? I only know what worked for me, and it is crying. Cry your heart out, because you should, you have every reason to cry, it's empowering and validating. It shows credence to your hurt and it lets you feel it for what it is.

Thank you all for your support guys, this website has been a blessing for me. I am proud to be on the journey of recovery with all of you amazingly brave, courageous, & strong people.


Edited by CloudyFalls (02/08/13 03:16 PM)
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#424737 - 02/08/13 08:06 PM Re: A cry for help. [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3522
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Cloudy - listen to yourself, here, man:

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I learn fast, I move fast, I am strong, and I push forward, treat me as an individual not as a perception or a stereotype! I'm sick of people who think I don't know what I'm doing just because I'm young, and I know it's a stereotype that people my age think they know everything, but I AM NOT LIKE THEM, I ADMIT WHEN I'M WRONG, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES, I LISTEN TO REASON, I AM OPEN MINDED, I AM FREE OF THE LIMITATIONS PUT ON PEOPLE OF MY AGE GROUP. I have NEVER succumbed to peer pressure in a negative way, I am strong in my will and in my self.
...
I am angry now, I am sick of being downtrodden, I am sick of being under-estimated.

I know who the fuck I am and I know what the fuck I am capable of. I've made it this far and I DO NOT plan to step down, EVER.


that is a SURVIVOR speaking!!!you are doing much better than you think, to have been able to say those extremely positive affirmations about yourself. WELL DONE - and keep up the STRONG sense of who you are.

regardless of what the other issues are - which i know is really preoccupying now (and which stinks, naturally) - i hope you can bask for a moment in the admiration and appreciation of at least one of your peers here - who say - "keep up the fight - you are worth it."

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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