I have a lot to feel about. And lately I feel a lot. Have you ever felt so much pain it physically hurt? That your felt nauseous, that it literally hurt so much you couldn't bear it? Surely you all must've felt it at some point, but it's hard to remember exactly how it feels until you feel it again. When suicide sounds like a painkiller. When you feel like there's nothing left to live for? It's almost like heartbreak, but times a thousand. I was in love with my cousin for 13 years, we had sex for 13 years, I'm told it was abusive, I realize it was abusive, but I don't care. Those 13 years of my life were complete, I feel like I've already felt the best there is that life has to offer and now it's gone forever. I don't know how to deal with the loss of my best friend, my Curtis. My mind is not right, through 13 years I attached to him, we lived co-dependently. Whether or not it was abusive doesn't make anything better or worse I don't fucking care anymore. The loss is too great. I've felt this pain twice in my life, and I feel it coming back. I don't know what to do, but I hurt so badly inside. I remember everything now, practically everything. It's the sharp contrast that kills me, I want to slip away into those memories again.

Again, I can't hope to explain myself, and yet I yearn to be understood. I want to speak an oceans full of words but fear they'll fall to def ears.

What will make this pain go away? I'm on the brink of disaster. I don't even know why I'm asking, words on a screen amount to nothing, I need the sound of a voice, the tenderness of compassion, I need someone to comfort me, and I have nobody. I know nor know of anybody who understands and loves me.

I have to conform to a world my brain doesn't understand. I am limited by the society that failed to raise me. I am alone, I am in the wrong place. I have to assimilate into society and it feels impossible. Is there a such thing as too far gone or is it against a psychologists morals to say so? I may never be happy, I will always hold this within me, I can only hope to conform and function, and if I'm lucky, in comfort. But happiness for me is a wild fantasy that doesn't exist, so I have to change my definition of happiness, I have to relearn what it is. Because for now it does not exist.

hey bud
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.It helps to remember this is one of the reasons that csa is so harmful. from where you are right now it seems hopeless and that there is nothing to look forward to. Those are things we cannot know man, but the outlook is not as bleak as it might seem. Life is always change. you are not the person you were thirteen years ago and tomorrow you will not be the same person as today. That is where hope arises if we can let it. It will take time and a lot of hard work but you can be happy and fulfilled and complete. meanwhile take advantage of what this site has to offer and get your bearings. Life still has a LOT to offer you hope it begins soon
Jeff

Cloudy,

I just wanted to say that I too have experienced these periods of overwhelming feeling like you're describing now. It feels unsurvivable... or like falling down a black hole with no bottom. I've been there.

I'm not sure what the solution is, other than eventually I come through the other end. I have found going to see a movie in the cinema helps my mind and my emotions re-calibrate. Not sure what it is about seeing a movie in the cinema, but this does seem to help.

Hang in there, brother. You are not alone.

Cant

I've been there too... when the pain is so overwhelming that you want to scream but all you can manage is a gasp and a whimper... when every breath you take physically hurts... yes. I've been there.

I don't know what will make it stop, but I do know that it has always ended - there is an other side. I wish I could be there in person - be the voice you need to hear, but I can't. Believe me when I say my compassion is very real - I remember too vividly what that pain feels like to feel anything else...

You are not alone!

I want to also add to what extent I have felt the kind of intense crisis and pain that you describe CloudyFalls in the spirit that it may help to connect with others here who can understand what you are describing. I went through a period of time when I was actively thinking about suicide and was on the brink of doing it. Having gotten to the other side and noot having gone back to that place is a big part of why I have such passion in offering support to others who are at these kinds of places.

I also wish that I could be there in person. I find the chats at this website I have participated in to be very good since you get to receive support from another CSA brother real time-albeit through words in cyber space versus being able to see each other.

Yes, Cloudy. I've found myself curled up in a fetal position on the floor, screaming and crying, unable to stop, wanting to die. You're not alone.

I can't really comment on your relationship with your cousin because I'm no expert on incest. But the fact that you are so troubled about it now suggests that it was not a healthy experience for you. There are resources for you. Try the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network www.rainn.org. Good luck to you, and as you know, we are always here for you.

Jude

There's SO much in your post to reply to, MS does not own enough disc-space to store it.


Hell yes!!!! Every Day!!!!



The Psychiatrist, my MD and some Ts call it "depression." After years and years of feeling like my lungs and heart were having knife-fights every freakin day, I told them I will not take that easy, broad definition of MY unique pain one more day!

Its NOT DEPRESSION!!!!! Its NOT!!!

Its my own unique pain that feels like it will kill me! I call it "pain."

But Cloudy! You are fully one-for-one understood. And what you describe is as you describe it...."Pain" Maybe its Utter DISPARE? But dispare is pain!

You have every right to feel this without qualifiers, without explanation to those who "don't get it."

Just remember...WE get it!!!

And I know this does not help your pain, and I'm so sorry.

I meant submit this after Still's post because what he discribed is what I have lived with for as long as I can rmembeer.My heart and chest area literally experience this pain that feels like someone is squeezing my heart.It is terrible and I longed for someone to please take it away and yes death seems inviting then.Just to be rid of it.There seems to be no way or place to get rid ofit. I usually end up curled up on the couch and finally the blesssing of tears comes and starts to releive it.
No Cloudy you are not alone. At least you know you are not going crazy or singled out.
I heard the lyris to a song from the movie "Dead man walking " that said "My heart is sore". At the time it was the best discription of the pain I had heard espressed.

what you wrote is beautiful. and dude.. i understand. I´ll send a pm. thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings

Daniel,

Good to see you online. We tried to PM you but you are over your inbox limit, apparently. Maybe clean out some old messages so we can say hi.

but I don't mean to distract us from supporting Cloudy in his thread. Cloudy, can you let us know how you're doing?

Cant