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#424499 - 02/06/13 09:12 AM My Husband Was Abused?
qhrider89 Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 5
While it hasn't been confirmed it is suspected that my husband was sexually abused by his great grand father after my husband's father got custody of him when he was a little under eight. Even his father was abused by the grand father and my husband's cousin. Once I found out that abuse was a possibility everything started to make sense.

I was having difficulty getting him to help me take care of our daughter, now seven months old. He never wanted to watch her for me or change diapers. One night we went to dinner with a bunch of his coworkers and I talked to one in the ladies room about him not helping. We picked on him that night but it was all light hearted. On the way home he told me her was afraid to change her because he was afraid of hurting her.

And the day before I found out about this possibility we had it out about him have patience with our daughter. It made mad because its something he should want to learn for our daughter but he refuses to. So I called his step mom, God bless her, and she came over to talk to me, that's when I found out this information.

He turns to alcohol when he's stressed, though he never gets out of hand with it, and he has anger issues. He was also diagnosed with ADHD when he was young and has trouble sleeping. He told about a nightmare he use to have frequently about being held down in his bed by an unknow force, and he use to scream in his sleep. He said he hasn't had that dream since we've been together though, but he wakes me up at night either whimpering or talking in his sleep.

He was also abandoned by his mother, who chose drugs and alcohol over him. He is very guilt ridden by this I believe. And I know the abandonment could have a lot to do with some of his problems.

Since the abuse isn't confirmed, should I ask him? I could some how make the conversation about our daughter. He doesn't want to get help because he was forced to see a therapist when he was younger for the abandonment and the ADHD. I want to help him in any way I can.

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#424503 - 02/06/13 09:33 AM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
qhrider,

You'll be very likely to find some good answers based in spousal experience here at MS. Since this particular forum is a Male Survivors Only one, the moderators will likely move it to Friends & Family. Its a common thing, don't worry bout it.

But regarding your husband. I have not met nor heard of the man/boy/teen who is willing to "face it," or disclose before he's ready. You simply can't be pulled out into the light before you're ready. The results can be horrid.

But look at it this way; You've got a pretty darn good idea of what went on. THAT is tremendously helpful and positive.

You might want to ask in F&F about goo books you can read on the DL too.

I'm very sorry he was likely traumatized as a child.
_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#424504 - 02/06/13 09:38 AM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Quote:
On the way home he told me her was afraid to change her because he was afraid of hurting her.


And regarding this: He may be adhering to the Myths about male survivors. It kept me from disclosing for decades. It has caused others to not even have children. The myth is a bunch of BS.

PLEASE read: http://malesurvivor.org/myths.html
_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#424505 - 02/06/13 09:38 AM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
qhrider89 Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 5
Still


Thanks, I was so worked up I didn't realize this wasn't the right board.

I wish there was something I could do, it tears me up inside knowing that he was probably abused.

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#424506 - 02/06/13 09:49 AM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
But there IS plenty you can do. Getting educated...as educated as possible about this will empower you in ways you can't yet imagine. Seriously. With this advanced warning and time (and willingness to deal with it in a positive manner), you will rarely be at a loss. You want the mystery taken out of the mariage.

For example; You've likely already thought "why won't he trust me with what happened to him?"

There are SO SO many answers to that ONE question, as it is a highly multi-facetted area of survival.
_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#424510 - 02/06/13 10:54 AM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
qhrider89 Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 5
Your right, I have thought that, but not just with the possible abuse but with his abandonment issues too. I've been reading up and both for the past two days. And I feel so bad for things I've said to him before without realizing the damage the words might cause becuase of the abandonment he went through, and I feel really bad for making him change out daughter's diaper when he obviously didn't feel comfortable doing it. I would get so furious because he'd plead with me to change her myself, I thought he just didn't want to do it, I never thought that the look on his face and in his eyes suggested it was that difficult for him. But it just makes sense that abuse is the reason why.

I get so emotional just thinking about what I've said and done, I guess I just need to realize I can't take that back, I can just move foreward and be more sensitive towards both issues and not pressure him as much.

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#424511 - 02/06/13 01:28 PM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
qhrider,

Don't beat yourself up over past reactions and words. You are right, they can't be taken back. But now you have a huge advantage over the Damage-Monster. After the perp leaves us...no longer has use for us, a Damage Monster (DM) is left behind to try to finish us off and ruin all things good.

If you notice, a pretty huge proportion of negativeness and damage comes from ignorance regarding everything about CSA.

We speak ill of victims cuz we have logical conclusions. We think we know enough about the perpetrator to trust him, believe him or even "leave it alone-he's great with kids."

"Just get over it for fk-sake dude!!!" ButI can't....I'm too weak....and if you only knew...(the Damage Monster smiles at this well-trained victim's response).

Ignorance about disclosure makes us say things that hurt people we don't even know: "those Catholic boys HAD to have liked it if it went on for 4-years." or "Anyone who did not tell is probably pretty close to gay." and "This is all about money, otherwise they wouldn't have waited 30 years!....I mean come on! 30 freakin years????"

Ignorance abounds and the DM dances. Why didn't you trust me with this? Why didn't you tell me before we got married? Will our children be safe with you? You probably ought to resign from coaching Little League..Billy will handle it OK. OMG! What if this gets out there? What if people find out?

And then the DM keeps tapping on the victim's shoulder: "Remember what we did? Have a drink on me. Remember the erections that always happened? That's proof positive right there buddy....have another drink. If people knew...yeah, I heard you thinking that....'If people knew what I was as a child'....oh man...you think they'll understand? Yeah...they'll understand the same thing WE know Pal...that you are complicit...you liked it, yer a danger to children, gay gay gay, yer marriage is a sham...Here...Have the whole bottle..Its on me."

Your education and understanding of what this is all about will kill the Damage Monster. Yer already chasing him away. He hates strong and dedicated Friends & Family...and he cannot exist where knowledge and support truly exist.


Edited by Still (02/06/13 01:31 PM)
_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#424513 - 02/06/13 01:44 PM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
qhrider89 Don't worry too much over any mistake you may have made. Based on the information you had at the time your reaction was normal.

Learn as much as you can. But be careful and remember that you also have to take care of yourself. This can will be hard on you. And it is easy to get overwhelmed by all of this. Google the term Secondary Survivor. Read the posts in F&F. While you will be so important to him as a supporter in the end it will be his road to travel.

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#424535 - 02/06/13 06:45 PM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
qhrider89 Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 5
Thank you so much, y'all have really made me feel better. I'm glad I found this place. Y'all have really been helpful. I hope that one day he'll be able to trust me enough to open up to me.

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#424590 - 02/07/13 06:32 AM Re: My Husband Was Abused? [Re: qhrider89]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Still is wise.

Ghrider... Best of luck in all of this & I commend you for the role you have already taken, without your husband's knowledge. When he's ready to speak, you will be his saviour. He doesn't yet know how much help you will be!
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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