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#463149 - 03/25/14 02:53 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
it also scared the hell out of me because i was eight
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rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#463380 - 03/29/14 04:43 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1169
Loc: New York

I guess I should have been more specific with my previous post. If a penis belonged to or looked like the penis of a bodybuilder I would totally freak out. I can't even look at porn where the guy is built like a roid bodybuilder. I wanted to join a gym but couldn't because of those steroid built bodybuilder weight pumpers that used to use me at the age of 14 (100-105 lbs) as a dumbbell or called a little shit, little asshole, little prick, little fuck, little faggot, little girly....etc.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff
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#463399 - 03/30/14 01:14 AM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Such a funny topic!

It screams of insecurity to me. Early on when I was learning of love with a woman it was all mysterious. What is funny is that with my perp it was the first sex, and it became natural.

As horrendous as it is, I was great at sucking a cock at 7. Wow. That is strange to write that here and not be humiliated. I guess that is real progress. I'm a victim once, not for the rest of my life.

But back on topic.

When I thought of sex in my youth, it was about my penis. And by that yardstick I was measured,

Now I hear what my wife says and does. Women love men's tight little buns. The cute butt, look at all the jeans commercials smile. I heard a woman at work talking to another on about liking to enjoy it but mot see it! Crazy women. But I have heard that before.

Good luck with the self acceptance adventure.

Remember, don't worry about being good enough. If your partner picked you and accepts you, you are already good enough.. The deals done. Just enjoy the relationship.
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#464046 - 04/13/14 10:04 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
I was small in every other way, it was logical that would be smaller was well. All I remember when seeing them (large penises) was please don't. For me it was not a comparison issue. It was a "they ruined sex" issue. The one truth about penises they come in all different shapes and sizes. I know, I have experienced way too many first hand.

From 10 to 21 I could not think of my body as a sexual organism. From 1975 to 2002 I only had 4 sexual partners.

My first was a hooker in Germany. She was a 21st birthday gift from my sergeant. I could not perform. I was left with feelings of complete shame and failure. It did not help; 1) I was drunk, 2) My sergeant (who was also drunk) was down on the street screaming are you done yet! NO PRESSURE.

My second was a one night stand. It happened during the heavy drinking years. I cannot remember what happened, total blackout. I did wake up in her bed. She was sober, I was not. My old friends shame and guilt followed as I slid out the door.

After five years into therapy, I tried again. A girl friend of 2 weeks. It was great (translation I was happy, she was satisfied). I did learn a valuable lesson, NEVER share a bed with someone crazier than you are! Had a very bad trigger event when she took the handcuffs from my shadow box (a gift from my security section at my previous base) and secured herself to my bed. After finding a key that would fit them, we broke up.

I decided after that relationship, sex had to mean more than an exchange of bodily fluid. Next time I would do it right, I wanted the entire experience to be "more." Translation lots of cold showers.

I found her, she was the whole package. We shared common hobbies and interests. We were both actors, and vocal performers. We had known each other for a while and dated for 1 year (no sex) before I popped the question, she said yes! At this time I decided we needed to have the "what happened to me" talk. I was still in therapy I figured she might just catch on eventually. She was great, she said it was no problem. We had decided to get married after I got back from my 1 year remote assignment to Alaska. Two weeks after I arrived in the aleutian chain I got THE letter. Never date an actress, you never know when they are acting.

In 2000 my Air Force career was winding down, and I long since gave up on ever finding a mate. I figured it was not to be. The upside on this I could buy an RV and just drive around living on my pension. Ask me how I know God has a sense of humor. The same week I made my decision to become a road hermit, I had 3 different women initiate pursuit of me! The first I dismissed immediately, a woman from Boston tried to bed me on the first date, been there done that not again. The last two were tougher. I decided I would be up front with both of them about my past. I figured whoever didn't run for the hills was the girl for me. To my surprise neither had anything but support for me. Wow, this was not to be easy. I told my T who leaned back in his chair and laughed. I cannot advise on this one. I spent the weekend with one at her mom's home (no sex) just visit and talk. I realized what she was looking for immediately, someone to save her. She wanted a man to sweep in fix the drama in her life so she wouldn't have to deal with it herself. I do not have a problem with baggage everyone has it, God knows I have the full set of matched luggage. But, I know I am no one's porter, I deserve more.

My wife and I were married in 2002. She is still learning about my past, even the ugly bits all I get from her is love and support. I often have awoken from a disturbing nightmare/remembrance to her lovingly rubbing my back. I roll over see her face and all is well. For the record she has shared with me I am not as big as her first husband and that is okay. She said then sex was painful, now it is pleasant.

I hope my rambling helps.
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#464067 - 04/14/14 12:02 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1286
I wasn't going to weigh in on this topic because I didn't really trust its pertinence to CSA. But I thought about it a lot, and decided to add a few words.

When I was a kid going through the sexual abuse, it was an experience of touch and shape and smell and feel. It was physicality more than anything else. I had no synopsis of it, no interpretations, no words for it. It just was.

The physicality was very pertinent to the intensity and frequency of my abuse. The memories of my perspectives are muddy, but the memory of his physical endowment, shape, scent are vivid. It defines the carnality of it, which was the bottom line of the crime. The fact that I knew him at that level, and he knew me at a level he should not have, defines the CSA experience as I knew it.

When my abuser got caught molesting some of the girls (they did not know I was a victim, too), it became apparent to me that the adults liked to talk around the issue with sanitized language, maintaining some safe radius of deference to avoid being tarnished. In their cautious side-stepping, they ultimately missed much. They missed that I was a victim, and they missed that their "solution" to the problem put me in even greater jeopardy.

At one point shortly after he was caught but before any decisions on his fate were made, I asked my dad why he did it. I was only thirteen at that point, understood little beyond my own senses and physical experience, and my dad told me that he molested because "he wasn't getting enough love at home."

?

Not enough love at home? What the hell did that mean? I was so confused. And I look back and realize he never spoke to me. He spoke to himself.

So I think that discussions on the "physicalities" of our abuse are what the child truly knows and remembers and are definitely pertinent. So few people want to look at it. But we had to live it and understand it on those terms.
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#464081 - 04/14/14 07:03 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: Chase Eric]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1169
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
I wasn't going to weigh in on this topic because I didn't really trust its pertinence to CSA. But ....

Even when I was an adult and I saw one in the showers it just threw me back to my younger years. The bigger it got the only thing it meant to me was more pain, blood and wishing I were dead.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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#464083 - 04/14/14 07:06 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
same here Lapchinj
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rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#464149 - 04/16/14 09:52 AM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: lapchinj]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Even when I was an adult and I saw one in the showers it just threw me back to my younger years. The bigger it got the only thing it meant to me was more pain, blood and wishing I were dead.


AMEN My BROTHER!
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#464157 - 04/16/14 01:10 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1169
Loc: New York
Hey IW2T

It's great when I can put a face to a post and I'm glad you put one up. The smile is great even though it might be a coverup.

I don't want to pry but I see you look like you have blond hair like I did. Did you find that you were bullied more because of the color of your hair. I did because I think that I stuck out of between my friends in high school. There were a couple of us that were gay so I was the first to get my ass handed to me. I'm just wondering if it mattered to you no matter what your orientation.

One of my grandchildren is named Izzy also, but usually it's short for Isadore. My son told me he liked the name Izzy so that was that. I guess that's as good a reason as any smile

My teens were in the '60s so I hid my past since I got out of the USAF at 22. I hid until 3 years ago when I accidently walking through the West Village (Greenwich Village) and had a total meltdown.

I have a friend here on MS who was also a lifer and was stationed in Germany, if you want I can give you his name. I'm sure you two would have some interesting shit to shoot grin.

Sorry you had to be here but glad to meet you.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#464164 - 04/16/14 03:14 PM Re: How did you feel when you saw a bigger penis? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Jeff,
My avatar was the last school photo before my CSA began. Thomas told me, it was that smile that first attracted him. It took a very long time before I could even look at that photo again.

The hair color was never an issue, the length back in the early 70's was. Yes, I was a hippie child! My fellow classmates through middle and high school ASSUMED I was gay, and added to the hell that was my life at the time. The fact that I was a wrestler didn't help, THANKS DAD for pushing that one. If there are former wrestlers out there: Freshman - 89 lbs exhibition class, Sophomore - 98 lbs Varsity when an injury ended my "career."
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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