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#424413 - 02/05/13 03:04 PM Letters From a Boy
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6375
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I divulged a very private thing of the little boy 'Still.' Today, I told the T that the boy wrote and then hid letters "to whom it may concern." The letters told the world who he was, what he loved, what scared him and who would likely take his life - Fears of certain death from the bleeding, beating and pain. He told how much he did not want to be dead, but "in case I am, please read this and know me."

They were not suicide notes by any means. They were a shout out that he was here - "I was here...this is who I was. These were my favorite stuffed animals. These were my sisters. Let me tell you about my adventures in my woods, my fears and tears. Let me tell you of a life you would never otherwise know."

Little Boy Still periodically wrote new ones and added them to the hidden collection. He remembers apologizing for being dead, being bad, disappointing his parents and hoped they would never hear what he would do with those older boys.

He thanked his dog Lucy, and told others how to care for her now that he's gone.

He told of regret for disappointing those who needed him to be a real boy - into sports - to be physically strong, good in school, and not a criminal.

He was here - he proclaimed. He was a soul and had real feelings. Mostly, he told of wanting to just be normal, but explained to those important to him why he was not.

Did anyone else do this?
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#424417 - 02/05/13 05:27 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Still, thanks for sharing this part of your story.
Very powerfull letters from the little boy Still.
This type of thing is an incredible gift to be able to get in touch with our younger selves. I think this can help us get in touch with what we lost and what we had to do to survive.

I am not sure what you ment by "Did anyone else do this?"

Have a younger part split off?
Have a younger part communicate feeling and thoughts?
Have the iner child write letters to express who what and why?

Take care,


Edited by SmartShadow (02/05/13 05:29 PM)

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#424418 - 02/05/13 05:50 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: SmartShadow]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6375
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
I am not sure what you ment by "Did anyone else do this?"


Meant it literally. Little Still really did write those letters and really did hide them in case he died. He fully expected to die in violence within the home.

He wanted to be known for more than "that crazy-loopy, little fag-boy who died." He genuinely wanted his true nature and substance to be known, as no one ever really knew him at all.

I wish I could find those letters. They were hidden in the box of loose Lionel train tracks and loose cars. It was a smart place as the trains would have been given to someone when the bedroom go cleaned-out.
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#424419 - 02/05/13 05:54 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Still,

I did do this as well, a journal is what was kept. I am using it to get better aquainted with myself (sounds absurd) the part of me that I had left behind. Thank you so much for sharing. This aspect (DID) is what I am working through. Your not alone and sorry to say it but I find comfort knowing im not the only one either.


-Jay-
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#424421 - 02/05/13 05:58 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Posts: 6375
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Christopher wrote a lot. Robbie would not write or speak. The Dark One would write some, but there was one who was always sad....really really sad. He was a little sweet guy...like a fawn...he saw it all as too sad to allow death to end it.

Thus, Death not ends it. Not for any of us now.
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#424422 - 02/05/13 06:01 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
WOW Still,

Crazy loopy little fag boy! So often, not in those exact words thats how I viewed my younger self.. And yes I killed him as well!!!! Why did we do this to ourselves? I cant wrap my mind around it.
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#424423 - 02/05/13 06:03 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
Still,

That is very touching...and I mean that sincerely and not in a Hallmark sort of way. We all carried kid fears with us and may or may not have verbalized them. I commend the young Still for being so open and honest whether through fear or foresight. I can't imagine how I would have felt if I received the train set.

I'm nothing if not impressed and humbled by your post.

Will

"Kid Fears" ---Indigo Girls
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#424424 - 02/05/13 06:06 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Suwanee]
Still Offline
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Posts: 6375
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Originally Posted By: Suwanee
not in a Hallmark sort of way.


That was my first LOL in like 48 hours or more.

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There was a member here at MS long ago I felt quite close to. He and his wife would sing this Indigo song together.

I was the one on the bathroom floor.
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#424426 - 02/05/13 06:20 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
I thought you might know it....didn't want to trigger...

They are a local band from way back ...
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#424434 - 02/05/13 07:21 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
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Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
"A cry for help" has been so overused into cliche that it almost loses its power when it's the best possible phrase. I'm so sorry there was no one to hear Young Still.

I wrote stuff to nobody... though not fearing death, and not entirely consciously. I was journaling while doing wildlife fieldwork in college and suddenly my field notes turned into my first-ever expressed acknowledgment of THAT.
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#424442 - 02/05/13 08:32 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Suwanee]
Still Offline
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Originally Posted By: Suwanee
I thought you might know it....didn't want to trigger...

They are a local band from way back ...


When I first heard this song...and then heard Mr. Stipe in back, I was floored. I was at a sailing meet on the River Charles at the MIT BoatHouse. My day was set on "stupid" from that moment-on.
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#424456 - 02/05/13 10:04 PM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
Wow, several connections here...

R.E.M. and the Indigo Girls both are local bands...they have been in my music collection for a long time. I've seen both of them several times at venues large and small.

Also, I really used to be into sailing...not races, but cruises...out maybe 10-15 miles from the coast. My favorite trip was a 3-day single-handed handed cruise off of NC on a Cape Dory sloop. I rode the Gulf Stream off of Hatteras...it was really close in to shore at the time.

And...I recall seeing the boathouses on the River Charles several years ago when my wife and I went to Boston for a wedding. We stayed in the top floor of the Doubletree on Solider's field and looked out over the river...

Will
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#424496 - 02/06/13 08:48 AM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6375
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I've been asked by SO many people if I Still have any of those letters. I know that I destroyed them on one very surreal day in my teens.

It was probably about the time I pushed my new-found faith behind me, (knowing better than Him of course), and consciously decided to "go live life and do whatever I have to, to forget...pretend it never happened. If I say it never happened, then it never happened!"

As soon as drugs and alcohol were being use to squelch the abused personas, those personas never missed an opportunity to emerge and remind me of the reality I drag with me.

I always knew...I always felt, I'm going to have to deal with it some day, or this stuff will kill me. Sometimes stuff on the back-burner explodes all over everyone in the kitchen.
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#424497 - 02/06/13 09:11 AM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1488
Loc: New England
I remember writing poems about suicide. None of them still exists. Just as well.

Jude
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they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
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#424595 - 02/07/13 07:43 AM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I have written and re written memory's, thoughts, conclusion and fealings from me mostly,but also the fragments and the others. I have destroyed them all after a few days weeks or months. The letters and journals helped me figure out my thoughts and sort out all of the confusion. But they were a source of danger if some one found them. My family, coworkers, etc. Fear of freaking out a loved one or being betrayed, abandoned, black mailed, or even being laybled and ostracized by the comunity.... I always destroyed them all. Some times I would forget what I wrote and would find some of my writings month and years later. I was horrified if the wrong person would find them. So I shread.

But I could recreate most of it if I wanted to.

Could you recreat the letters? Not the same I know, your hand today not his back then. But you seam to rember how they felt back in the day.

I am glad you remember.

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#424602 - 02/07/13 10:18 AM Re: Letters From a Boy [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6375
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
***TRIGGER WARNING*** element is in invisible ink. Mouse-over and highlight the missing text in paragraph 2.

I clearly remember. Mostly I was concerned with my sisters and mother and dog Lucy. I wanted people to know where which stuffed animals should go where, what major toys should be saved and protected and how. Which important toys should go to my friends. I remember all that....so vividly.

My son has my trains now. Its absolutely amazing to see some small items the train would carry. They instantly trigger memories of retreat - retreat from the violence for a time...a way to stay close to the bathroom (cuz of rectal spasms and blood) without being bored.

It was those reasons and violent nights that I thought I was likely to die. I had to have a post-mortem voice.
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