Being a CSA survivor and now being a grown man (mid 40's) I have been troubled for years and years of still being dominated and abused by men, does anyone else feel like this or am I the only one? I dont understand it and have made a therapy appointment but its not easy talking about this face to face, I am married and love my wife and do not find myself attracted to men but I think my CSA and bullying as a boy and young teen makes me feel a certain type of submissiveness towards men. I feel I am the only person like this......and not sure what therapy/counseling can do but willing to try it.

Hi Marc,
many of us are confused and be sure that you are not alone in this.
I guess you should look for expert in child sexual abuse and ask for his/her experience in the field.
It is not easy task to start therapy but as you are thinking on that it could be easily that you are ready for such step.
My T is woman, she is more like universal therapist not specifically trained for CSA but no matter I found a lot of support and help from her.
Relationship with her developed slowly with time and now I easily can talk with her about all my demons including same sex attractions (I have a lot of problems with porn and masturbation also).
Keep sharing with us!

Pero

Marc - you are not the only one. what you wrote sounds much like me. i've been seeing a T since 15 months ago and it has helped a lot. give it a try and give it some time. and participating here on the forums has helped me a lot, too.
Lee

Marc,

You are certainly not alone. One of the devious effects of CSA is that it can affect our "arousal template," that part of our sexual selves that tells us what we're attracted to.

I'm not sure if there's a cure or a solution to the problem, but talking about it here and in-person with a T is a good start.

Do not be ashamed or embarrassed about this problem, as it is not your fault. If your T acts uncomfortable with you sharing this, then find another T.

I, myself, am locked in an endless loop of recreating abuse that I don't even remember -- submitting myself to the will of white-haired men.

You are certainly not alone.

Cant

Wow, all you guys are great and I wish I found this website along time ago but better late then never! There is always a guilty feeling that comes with me feeling the way i do. I have even gone as far as creating add on Craigslist where I seek a "dominant male" for a "rough abuse scene" and then I get emails and chat back and forth knowing the whole time I am not going to meet this person or anyone else and it's certainly not my intention to waste someone elses time but I find myself doing the "add" this once in awhile and never have a met anyone it goes back to that "weird feeling" of thinking I want to be raped, just so confusing. My T is currently on maternity leave but I will be going for an appointment next month. I will try and keep posted on how everything goes. Again thanks so much for your support and friendship and most of all, your understanding.

Marc
Ihave many of same desires about recreating the situation. I was dressed fem for amusement and pleasure of older cousin, Thoughts seem to increase as i get older. Hang in there.
lee

For much if my life after csa and bullying, I had a fear of men in general. I never felt comfortable being in the same car with a man older than myself, or even in any sort of close proximity. I just could not get my emotions to trust that there would not necessarily be abuse of any kind involved. I was in my 40's before completely overcoming this.

Could it be that you have a fear of men?

"

I wouldn't necesarilly say I'm afraid of other men, but I do constantly compare myself to other men in the sense that I always tend to see them as more masculine than I am. I get this feeling like I'm still a kid at 26, and all my peers are and even guys I know that are 17 or 18 are more mature or grown up than I am. Makes me feel weak in comparison.

Andy - you're not the only one. i still have that feeling - sometimes with guys that are young enough to be my sons! last week i got triggered in a weird way at the school where i teach by 11th and 8th grade boys. both are taller and stronger looking than me and i feel like a child when near them.
Lee