He came back, I felt him, his presence overwhelming my every sense.
I hear his screams tearing through my body, quickening my soul.
My very existence an attribute to who he once was.
He stands at every doorway watching my every move;
He waits in the shadows hoping for a moment, a moment to let me know he is still there.
I smile in his direction to let him know I have not forgotten him.
With a glance I plead with him to hold on a little longer.


I see his pain, his tear stained face the bruises left on his body.
Wanting so desperately to reach out and hold him, I resist.
Not now, it’s not time, I need to live this life.
He doesn’t understand, this time he intends to stay.
I try to put him back into obscurity but he wants to be heard.
I hear him whisper to me, revealing to me secrets we promised never to tell.
My stomach turns.
Why, why does he continue to cry?
I want to tell him it will be okay but not even I can assure him of this.
I want to tell him that he is loved, but one must know of love first.
I want to hold him care for him take away his burden but I cannot.

I reach out my hand offering to console him
to try and reassure him that one day I will be there, I will help him.
My heart aches,
I look at him through tear filled eyes and tell him not today,
my shoulders are too weak and your burden is too heavy,
my heart is in pieces and your sorrow too deep,
your hurt strong enough to tear the very fabric of my soul.
One day I will carry you, one day I will lift you up and take away all the pain all the sorrow.
One day I will be able to look you in the eyes and wipe away the tears.
One day I will reconcile unto myself that you are me.
But not today.

Life is but a small space in time, our soul is eternal so hold on
Run find a safe place and I will dream you a life, a childhood, one that you can play be safe and loved.
I will dream life into your frail body one of happiness and joy
It will be magnificent Jay.
But not today, today must be left to me.

-Jess-

Wow this brought tears to my eyes. It is very well written and beautiful and It said so much of the same thoughts and feelings I just could never put into words. Thank you for sharing this.

Thanks Tanis, I wrote this a long time ago It was in a journal I keep. The unfortunate truth is the only time I can express myself through words is in extreme moments of depression.. This was another one of those sleepless nights that I couldnt see past the pain. I posted another one in male survivor forum labled "My last journal entry at age 15". This is much more recent then that one.

Jay,

This was excellent. Keep purging your soul like this and you will find your way to heal both youself and the little boy who waits.

Gary

Gary,

Thanks, and I will continue to purge. your encouragement is appreciated so much... helps me to be optomistic.

-Jay-

Thank you for sharing your poem has moved me so much. It expresses emotions that books cannot convey and helps me to understand the depths of despair my partner goes through.

Dawn x

Jay75,

Good Job!!!
Keep it up!!!!

More thoughts....


Reconciliation:


I held him his body tense, shaking.
Relentless in there plight, the tears flowed down is withdrawn face.
This child, weak, afraid, holding tight to a future lost.

I held him as only a father could, assuring him that this moment was but but a page in a novel not yet finished.
One must only turn the page to continue the story.

I opened the book to where he left off.
Reading pages and chapters of a life he had not known, a life foreign to the one he knew.
One of clarity, joy, family and above all love.
I read him the life I had given him.
Showed him the miles I had walked in his stead.

A calm enveloped him.
His tears dried, and unto me his pain he did bequeath.

I held him, his body tense, shaking.
Relentless in their plight, tears flowed down has ample face.
This man weak, afraid holding tight to a childhood lost.
I held him as only a child could assuring him he did his best.

Stepping from the shadows, I turn back the pages of time, resurrecting the past.
Reading from the pages, I shared my secrets one by one.
With each revelation he shuttered,
Unable to comprehend the emotions that coursed through his soul he withered.
Holding him, I help him realize all that has been done.
I read of my surrender, my walk amongst the shadows.
I left that we might live.
He sighed, a calm enveloped him.
Unto me his strength he did bequeath.

I stand alone my body tense, shaking.
Relentless in my plight I stand strong.
As I reconcile unto myself that we are one.
I am the man and I the child, made whole by a need to heal.
The past I will sojourn.
My strength overcomming the pain.
As one we turn the pages of life concluding this epic novel.

A calm enveloped me

-Jay-

very powerful and moving, Jay!

i couldn't finish reading the first one when you originally posted it. now i am glad i read it in its entirety along with the follow-up one.

good work - getting to here - as well as the writing!
Lee

Thank you Lee,

I always chuckle a little when I see someone gets "it". When I read these back to myself they sound like the incoherent rant of a lunatic. Thanks again everyone for your support!


Lee you said you couldnt get through it the fist time,
Would you suggest I put a trigger warning on it?

-Jay-