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#424307 - 02/04/13 08:42 PM Sometimes I just want to hear his voice
EagerLearner Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
If you've read my story you may know that I've never actually met my survivor - at least not in person. We met online a couple years ago, on an online dating site of all places. We both hit it off and would have long conversations on gchat, at first once every couple weeks and building up to several times per week. I loved those conversations and I eagerly awaited the time that we would move beyond gchat to telephone conversations and finally meeting in person.

Then one week I needed to take my computer to the store for repairs. I told him that I wouldn't be online for a few days and he asked me for my number. I thought this was the moment I had been waiting for, that I would finally have a voice to go with the pictures I'd seen. But instead we only texted. I suppose I could have called him, but I had never really been one to make the first move and I know now that he almost certainly wouldn't have answered. So I waited.

And then I asked him. I asked if we could talk on the phone. He gave excuses. He was busy. He liked texting better so he could multitask. I knew he was busy; he is a medical student after all. But so am I. It made me feel like he just must not like me all that much if he didn't have time to talk on the phone even for just a few minutes every now and then. I told him as much. He said he had a stutter. I told him I wouldn't care, I'd like him just the same. Still no.

It was around this time that he first told me about his past. I immediately started reading as much as I could about CSA and some things made more sense with that knowledge. But I had the hardest time grasping why a phone conversation could be such a big deal. I kept bugging him about it and he hated it. He told me that I made him feel like a jerk. He said he couldn't give me what I wanted. Sometimes I would grow exasperated and just give up. I hated arguing with him. I hated upsetting him. It seemed like such a petty thing to be arguing about. But then that strong desire to hear his voice would crop up again. I would bring it up only to be shot down yet again.

It was only recently that I came to have a better understanding of why he so vehemently avoids talking on the phone. I read a post on here and suddenly a light bulb went off. I asked him if talking on the phone made him feel like he somehow didn't have control, and he said it made him feel really vulnerable. I finally understood. And I made up my mind not to pester him about it anymore.

But understanding doesn't take away that desire. Every now and then I feel almost overwhelmed with the strong desire to hear his voice. We've had some really good conversations lately and I feel like we are both in a good place. The thing is, the closer I feel to him emotionally the more I want to go beyond texting and hear his voice. But for his sake I keep quiet now.

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#424428 - 02/05/13 06:30 PM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37

What you are asking for is beyond reasonable, whether you're looking for a healthy friendship or for this situation with him to progress further. You've been communicating with him for years yet still haven't spoken to him... Survivor or not, that is unacceptable. I know you care about him, however when we enable behavoir like this, it keeps the other person stuck in their unhealthy ways. You are deserving of so much more and I'd personally not "keep quiet" - I'd cut off all ties with him until and if he's ready to progress towards healthy communication and treating you with consideration.

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#424539 - 02/06/13 07:16 PM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Must be a painful situation to be so attached to someone you've never even spoken to. frown It sounds like you're realizing that an electronic relationship isn't a real relationship, it won't satisfy your need for intimacy.

That's the key, you want more intimacy and he (for whatever reason) doesn't. You shouldn't see it as a rejection, he just can't offer what you want - and it sounds like he's being honest and forthright, you just don't want to accept what he is saying. frown

Forgive my candor, but I have to ask why you're pursuing someone so unavailable (both geographically and emotionally) and why you persist even though it's painful and he has made it clear it won't change? Be careful you are not caught in a rescuer fantasy which people in the helping professions are prone to...or replaying a scenario from your childhood hoping to change the outcome.

What about your med school classmates, or other programs (pharmacy, dental etc)? If you are not connecting well with anyone in your daily life, maybe it's worth exploring why not.

I don't mean to be harsh, I'm actually trying to help you because I can identify with your situation, as I have gotten into painful situations with unavailable men also, and it's caused me a lot of grief. I wish someone had pointed out the obvious to me, which was, "Why chase someone who doesn't really want you?" I think the answer for me at that time was too painful to accept. frown

You need to believe deep down that you are worthy of more than crumbs, and that your needs matter. You shouldn't just "keep quiet" for someone else's sake, what about your sake? You're hurting yourself, and sacrificing yourself. If he really is your friend, he doesn't want you to sacrifice yourself.

My advice is to look elsewhere for the intimacy and closeness that you're craving, they are normal human needs and you have a right to have them met. If there are things blocking you from doing that, then they are worth exploring.

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#424586 - 02/07/13 05:30 AM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
if i were you, i would look out for a therapy. i am sorry to say this but you might have developed some co-dependency to him, in a weird way. plus you yourself have attachment issues, or rather that part your father would have had to teach you in your childhood, the independent issues.
as he showed you all this trust about what he had gone thru and goes thru, you felt involved and you cared, which is human. but its a one sided support thing. you need some distance and maybe he just protects you from him, because he also likes you.
that is very typical for survivors, because they learned that too very early.

good luck
ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#424647 - 02/07/13 08:00 PM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
EagerLearner Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
I've always been very well aware that a relationship cannot happen between two people who have never even met in person. So although I do have some romantic interest in him, I don't consider him anything more than a friend right now and I've been dating other people. I know that he also has been talking to other women.

I also know that he cares about me. He doesn't want to hurt me. I think that part of the reason he gets so upset whenever I ask if we can talk on the phone is because he knows how much I want it, but he feels powerless to do it because it would make him feel too vulnerable. He has to take care of himself. I'm sure a lot of people may interpret that to mean that he just doesn't care about me enough, but I think there is a lot more to it than that. He also realizes that it's not really "normal" to have such a problem talking on the phone. He's even said that he feels like it's stupid and irrational and he beats himself up over it. I've realized though, that the effects of CSA are far reaching and can make a person at times behave in ways that seem irrational.

There was a time last year that I think I was a bit too attached to him, almost dependent on him in a way. I started to feel that it wasn't particularly healthy for either of us and I cut off ties for a while. During that time I came to accept that there is a very high likelihood that we may never meet in person and I'm actually okay with that. Of course, I'd love to meet him given the opportunity, but I can also live with things the way they are now.

We've started talking again and things are actually really good. We probably would date if we lived closer together because we both have similar life goals and happen to be attracted to each other, but for the time being we are friends. That may be all we ever are, and that's alright. Every now and then I do want to hear his voice because he is a close friend and I find talking to be a much more effective way of communicating and conveying emotion than text. But demands will get me nowhere. He needs to feel safe and like he has control of the situation. Maybe with time he will feel more comfortable with the idea. And maybe not. He has actually told me that he thinks it wouldn't be such a big deal to talk on the phone if we were to meet in person first.

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#424653 - 02/07/13 10:07 PM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Maybe with time he will grow and confront his roadblocks, and I hope so as it sounds like you guys have a good connection. I'm glad to hear that in the meantime you are seeing other people and not ignoring your own needs. What you are wanting is very normal and natural. It also sounds like you have examined your attachment to him and are trying to keep it in a healthy range. smile

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#424663 - 02/08/13 01:13 AM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
love Offline


Registered: 08/31/12
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: EagerLearner
Every now and then I do want to hear his voice because he is a close friend and I find talking to be a much more effective way of communicating and conveying emotion than text. But demands will get me nowhere.


Dearest EagerLearner, to expect and desire the least of the least, voice to voice communication after texting for years is anything but a demand. You are putting him first, above yourself and in the meanwhile, you are hurting. More love is being given to him and his needs than it is to yourself. Yes the issues attached to being a survivor run deep, however they are still human beings. It is one thing to be nurturing, understanding, accepting, and loving. It is another when we help keep someone stuck in their unhealthy comfort zone.
By all means, it is your life and your choices if you are content, but I don't see how it's doing him any good either.

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#426606 - 02/26/13 08:06 PM Re: Sometimes I just want to hear his voice [Re: EagerLearner]
EagerLearner Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
I haven't been trying to enable him or keep him stuck in his comfort zone. I think sometimes I just don't know what to do and I've given up. So I decided it was best to just accept things the way they are.

A couple weeks ago I brought up the topic of talking on the phone again. I asked him what would be the worst thing that could happen if we talked on the phone. I said I wanted to know so that maybe I could prevent it from happening. He said the worst thing would be a panic attack. I asked him if it would help if I told him that he could hang up on me at any point and I wouldn't be offended and that we could just talk about benign topics. I wouldn't spring any surprises on him. His response was "I don't want to talk about it." And that was that.

He tends to shut down whenever I bring up the topic of talking on the phone. We could be having a very nice conversation, but if I mention talking on the phone it's over. There's just no changing his mind.

I can understand how someone might say that I should just cut off all contact with him. How they might tell me that I deserve better. I could give him an ultimatum and say that we either talk on the phone or not at all, but I don't think that would be productive. It would just seem threatening and coercive and I wouldn't be a safe person for him anymore. I do value what we have. I might want more, but I would rather keep things the way they are than damage the friendship that we do have.

Since it has been a while and it seems he is very complacent with things the way they are, I don't have high expectations that anything other than a friendship will come of our relationship. I have been talking to other guys and going on a few dates every now and then as well, so I don't really feel that I am neglecting my own needs.

He confuses me sometimes though. Just last night he sent me a text that said "life would be so much easier if I knew I could be with you." It frustrates me a little sometimes. In my head I'm thinking "we could be together if you really wanted to." The thing is, he has never wanted to move beyond texting and that's just not enough to build a romantic relationship on. We know each other quite well, but we've never met in person so who even knows if we would get along well in person? I've offered to come visit him and invited him to visit me when we've both had breaks from school, but he has always had some excuse why we can't meet. I think a lot of it is his insecurities. He tells me that he just keeps thinking that I could do better than him.

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