I can't wrap my head around why I can't remember hardly anything about my mother from the ages before 12. Is it repressed memories? Was she just really never there for me? But here's the thing, my dad was always (I stress the word always) at work, yet I remember him clearly and plentifully. Yet my mom was a housemother. Why don't I remember her? Also, why don't I remember much of my childhood before 12 years old? I can remember things outside of home more easily, like school friends, neighbors, but when it comes to family and the whole home situation, it's blurry. Like when I try to grab for those memories they move away so I can't find them.

I've expressed my concern that I think I could've possible been abused by someone other than my cousin, so this isn't new. But I recently heard of the term "Covert Incest", could this have been the case with my mom? Nowadays she's always telling me how handsome I am, and when she's drunk I feel uncomfortable, like she seems more sexual toward me, and she's always playfully slapping my ass like you would with a partner, and it makes me so uncomfortable when she does that, I hate it. And she utterly HATED my first boyfriend, she tried her hardest to keep me out of that relationship almost like she was jealous. She even got my friends phone numbers (I have NO idea how) and went on a drunk rampage on them, I'd never been so shocked or embarrassed in my life, was my mom fucking crazy?

Maybe there is something in my past... But how could I ever know if I'm making it up or if it's true or if it's just me worrying about something that's not there?

From examining my past I can conclude these facts of abusive situations that affected me; my mom and dad were alcoholics, my brother was physically and emotionally abusive (and a drug addict), I had a completely inept brother who was disabled and has the brain of a 2 year old (Yes this was abusive, caused neglect), My cousin sexually abused me, his parents were shitty and in particular my uncle (His step-dad) emotionally abused me (and was a drug addict).

The two questions I ask myself are, did my uncle abuse my cousin physically(?), emotionally(known), sexually(?), and if so did he do so to me as well? And why the fuck can't I remember my mom? Especially if she was a stay at home mother?

I understand I may not know until I move away from my hometown the full extent of my childhood, my mind may be protecting me from those memories because I am completely dependent on my mom and dad right now. I think in order to fully recover I must move away from my hometown, and to any survivors here, have you had revelations after moving from your hometowns?

The brain can go into a defensive mode, I've been told. Maybe you are blocking something. It sure sounds like you may have something there that your mind is keeping from you. Maybe if you try not focusing on remembering, it will come to you more easily.

You're asking the right questions. The alarm bells your body is setting off regarding your mother should not be ignored. Listen to what your body is telling you.

(And if you want to commiserate with someone about not remembering, I'm your guy.)

Cant

CloudyFalls. While there likely is something there it may not be as much or as bad as you fear. Even in a "normal" household there is a lot of shit going one. In your's there was way more than usual.

In my case it was a dysfunctional environment but not hugely so. No drug or alcohol abuse. Just parents with their own baggage from growing up in difficult times.

I remember next to nothing about my childhood. And less than that about my parent's part in it. I do have a box of pictures I snagged recently and they have helped in pulling up (recreate?) some memories. But when I got them I was in a pretty bad state and I would cry as I looked at them. Not for any particular reason other than the sense of loss I think. So they are tucked away until I can handle it better.

CSA isn't the only reason for a lack of memory. Not saying the other reasons are all that good though. But you feelings should not be ignored. There is a lot more that we pickup and retain than we know. Unfortunately understanding the reason is not always easy.

CF I have huge holes in my memory too especially with my mother, I know she was not part of my abuse just an enabler, but personally she’s just a sick demented twisted individual with no redeeming qualities, not saying you feel the same towards yours but so much of what you wrote happened to me also, the “playful” touching the comments, she always hated my wife, if I say anything to her she might find offensive she’ll call and harass my wife, she knows I won’t put up with her shit, must be something with that bs catholic upbringing? The only reason I could come up with ended up being real simple as a child your programed to seek love and security from your mother and if she was never there for you what is there to remember, all those memories of being there for you, like me you don’t have, my sons remember stuff my wife did for them when they were 3, let alone forget… Not saying something did or did not happen with your mother I just know for me it didn’t. I know the memory holes get ya, like what else are you forgetting? I also think that as abused guys we have a tendency to overplay certain things, to give things outside of our abuse greater meaning then they have, the emotional abuse I still receive from my mother is horrific, but nothing like being raped, again not saying something did or did not happen to you only you’ll know.

Karma Cloudy, Karma

Cee

This is a very difficult period. It seems the repressed memories can be very hard to understand. My brain releases good and bad memories, but my emotions seem to be always of shame, fear, guilt and abuse, no matter what the memory. Trying to figure this out takes time and our brains seem to only unload pieces and not the full information. Remember our brain is fighting a battle of releasing and protecting. This battle never seems to stop for me. Just be patient because the release of memories can not be forced out, the brain only releases what it wants and at its pace, at least for me it does.
Randy

i don't have many specific memories of my mom either. i realized at one T session that i spent all my time talking about the step-dad and hardly even mentioned her. she was there in the background but didn't really feature much as a major player in my memories of the important pivotal events. i think that is because i was aware of her more as a failure to be involved or a lack of what should have been a supporting role - and she wasn't there for me. she cooked and cleaned and did laundry but let him dominate the household. and i know i was around her more than him but his influence was much stronger and long-lasting. she just faded into insignificance in comparison. like Cee, i am pretty sure my mom was an enabler rather than an active abuser. i think maybe my lack of memories about her is merely because she didn't play enough of a significant part in my life to deserve the memories.

Lee

Probably a safe assumption, although I'm pretty sure after speaking with my therapist that covert incest was involved, to what extent I don't know... I don't really know what covert incest is or how bad it is, but it is what it is, all I know is the definition from wikipedia. I decided not to focus on my lack of memories, but to focus on healing from what I do remember. I have enough of a picture of my past to work with. I don't think it is helpful to myself to get hung up on lack of memories, they will come when they come if they're there. Thanks guys for the feedback & support, I am much relieved.