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#42424 - 07/29/02 09:02 PM I am having a struggle...
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
...to feel like I am healing, to feel like I am not sliding backward towards acting out, to feel important.

I read some of the stories of what has happened to guys on here, and I think that I should just shut up. There are real battle weary fellows here, and I truly admire them, like veterans of a war. I feel like a rookie, a greenhorn.

I smoked every day last week, after having quit for almost two years. This is a precursor to self-prtotectiion, which is what my acting out always seemed to be. I didn't smoke yesterday, I guess I have to take comfort in that.

ugh, I am so bored...I hate the boredom, the sameness of recovery. And I feel like a wimp saying that, after what so many have gone through.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#42425 - 07/30/02 06:39 AM Re: I am having a struggle...
BlueOne Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/29/02
Posts: 27
Cement--

You don't ever have to feel like you should shut up. You can't read somebody else's story and think that because their abuse was "worse" than yours that you don't have the right to feel pain, to be scared or angry, to speak out about your own abuse. So what if one guy was abused for ten years and another guy was abused one time? They were both abused and they both have every right to seek support and work towards recovery.

Don't feel like a wimp. I think sometimes recovery grates on everyone's nerves. Sometimes I just want to scream, "Can't I just be all right already? I'm getting sick and tired of this shit."


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#42426 - 07/30/02 11:09 AM Re: I am having a struggle...
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Right on Blue One. If what happened to me had happened only once I think I would have had all the consequences that I do now. Abuse is abuse and betrayal is betrayl. It harms us in the depths. There is no such thing as minor abuse versus major abuse. An abused person needs lots of love, courage, compassion and understanding. We need to be determined to make the perp fail in his attempt, or her attempt, to ruin us and control us forever. One real disappointment I have is that I did not speak out when my perp was still living. How I would have loved to have copnfronted him and seen the look on his face when I did that as a very strong man who knows some power now. WOW, I love the very thought of that. YEH!!!
Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#42428 - 07/30/02 01:01 PM Re: I am having a struggle...
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
You are healing, its a slow process that is hard to detect when your in the middle of it and sometimes when you look back from a distance you will notice the subtle changes that have taken place, hang in there and keep at it, ok?

As far as your other comments, like my kids always say, dont be a silly goose, everyone has their own worst thing that happened to them, they are not up for comparison, i mean the worst thing is the worst thing and the results are pretty much the same for all of us, sure it gets played out in different ways but the basics are pretty much the same.

All any of us have to do is keep talking, just keep working yoru way through it and keep your mouth working, it gets sorted out and you do get your life back, honest.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#42429 - 07/30/02 10:11 PM Re: I am having a struggle...
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
Its not a question of how screwed up we got. Its a question of what do we do now?

That said, I also felt guilty initially. What happened to me happened at the hands of two strange men over the course of two weeks. And I'd read others posts who were subjected to abuse for longer periods of time by family members.

If you got abused by anyone at any time, you have the right to be here.


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