When I was a kid as far back as I can remember I was terrified of heights, just petrified, I used to have all kind of dreams about being forced (no idea in my dreams about who or what was forcing me, just a feeling I’ve always had) to climb something treacherous, the outside of a building or something and then fall. These stopped around the time I turned 20 when in my dreams I started to fly instead of falling, and then the dreams stopped, never had another one. Now the other thing with this is I used to be able to put my mind in a weird state, kinda like turning off my thoughts, relaxing and if I closed my eyes it felt like I was falling backward, I used to be able to do this till I was about 20 so about the same time as my dreams stopped, I can recall the feeling, just I can’t stop thinking on command anymore. See I’m still scared as hell of heights really scared but I think control has a lot to do with it, understand the reason I “volunteered” submarines is because if someone told me to start chipping & painting on some mast way up high, it just wouldn’t have worked out. Fast-forward to when I worked for Northern Telecom and worked in cell, now I never did tower climb but spent a lot of time in aerial lifts, 80+ feet in the air, it bothered me but nothing like say getting off an elevator on the 20th floor and being on an open air balcony; scares the shit out of me, I mean I freeze up kinda. Not sure if this anything to do with my abuse or is this just some control issue I have?

Any thoughts gentlemen?

Cee

i'm afraid of heights, too. never associated it with CSA. i just thought that it was a healthy instinct for self-preservation.

i am afraid of water - or rather - of drowning - never did learn to swim. i'm ok as long as i don't get into water where i can't touch bottom. i don't know where that fear came from. but there were definitely some scary episodes in my childhood related to swimming pools.

i am also afraid of speed. i put that down to a couple of bicycle crashes i had as a kid.

i have a fear of authority figures that is well-grounded in reality - and connected to CSA.

my greatest fears have always been of people and relational stuff - mockery, contempt, rejection, etc. TOTALLY caused by CSA!

i think most of my fears are aggravated, augmented and magnified by the CSA but not all are caused by it.

Lee

Self-preservation? Something I don’t typically display under any circumstances, I typically react and do what has to happen with zero regard, heights are the only thing that gets me like that.




Same here, just I’ve always lived with a death wish and until recently never understood why, just like I said scared as hell of heights, like right now I’m staying in a hotel on the 17th floor, no biggie but as soon as you get off the elevator, bam right there, 17 stories up 48” of walkway, straight down, when I checked in last Sunday it just freaked me out, bad! It’s kinda weird too some bridges don’t bother me, others scare the shit out of me, some bridges don’t matter, too much traffic, can’t figure it out?

Cee

Oh, y'know Cee, I hate that Hyatt indoor atrium thing for the same reason. I'm okay if I'm cocooned by walls, but that's it. Have a favorite 60-foot bridge for some local shoots...as long as I don't look over the edge too much.

I think you hit on it with control. Mine's a little backwards.

I've always loved commercial flying, staring out the window at the view for hours. But back when I flew my own plane, I remember being about 7000 feet up and suddenly seized by panic when I realized I was being held aloft by one engine and I was the only one who could get me back down on the ground. I quit shortly after that, ostensibly because I was having trouble with my eyesight.

Any insights anyone?

Love to fly will look out the window till i get a crick in my neck, awesome views like the Grand Canyon leaving LAX going east or anytime flying over NYC, typically I try to sit in an isle always trying to get off the plane asap cause flying today just sucks; I remember the “good ole days” being able to smoke and carry power tools onboard, let alone a hot meal in coach, 11hour flight and they don’t even feed you anymore wtf.

Cee

Just for you Cee

Not to be a know-it-all, but technically fear of heights is not Vertigo, its called Acrophobia. Related to CSA? I don't know, but anything's possible in our F-ed up world.

Vertigo is a malfunction of the balance mechanism of the inner ear, which produces a sensation of spinning and falling through space. I had an attack of it a month ago, and it totally disabled me for three days, until it finally passed.

Jude

Thank's for clarifying that Jude.I have vertigo and the last attack I had knocked me flat on my back.During the actual attack I really thought me and the stove were going to fall through the kitchen wall I crawled on my hands and knees to the couch and remanined imobalized for the rest of the day.
Maybe the fear of hieghts is attached to vertigo becasue if you ever had an attack up a ladder etc......
As for it steming from CSA I don't know either.There was a lot of physical abuse in my life as a child. Maybe that contributed to it.

I don't like hieghts/bridges where I can get close to the edge. The closer to the edge I get the greater the pull to go over. Jump/fall I don't know, that's why I say pull.

“high anxiety” awesome!

Jude the vertigo was more about the mental/physical feelings not associated with my fear of heights, it’s just that the feeling of falling backwards was really strong when it was happening but strangely enjoyable and liberating, nothing like my fear of heights, I could never place where it came from maybe it was a prelude to dis-associating during my abuse, who knows?

Cee