During my release of repressed memories, I became a sexual freak reliving my past rapes through submission and also power that I never had. Disassociating the whole while. It seems I was with over 50-60 people during a 4 month period. Control over twinks to eventually allowing large older males to be very forceful on me and I felt that I deserved the punishment and severe pain of reliving rape because I knew that feeling and deserved it. I am dealing with this hard and heavy right now. Memories being unleashed with more details than I thought possible.

My past memories from the age of 4 when my CSA happened are confusing and not filled with details, just mostly glimpses, pain, smells, but never full faces. The sexual freak memories are extremely detailed and when each is released it takes a huge toll on me.

I have come to realize that I have backed away from all my gay friends and do not participate in any gay functions. Even though my partner, who is great and I have been together for 13 years. I can not be around other gays because I am uncomfortable. Some how I have linked this behavior to my homosexuality.
I wanted to get others input on this. Am I the only person to have gone through this to be filled with these emotions. I have never cheated or had sex out of a committed relationship before or after the sexual freak. I'm truly confused of the feelings of anger and hatred towards other gays.
Please help,
Randy

Randy,

I am moved by your plea, and by your disclosure of dissociative sexual acting out. I caution you, if you are not under the care of a good therapist, then please seek one out for your own safety as you navigate these memories. I have a few thoughts I would like to share, but remember, I step with care and concern for you.

It is not uncommon for gay men to behave as you have, and you have every reason to have done it. You didn't deserve punishment, whether you sought it out or not. You shouldn't be ashamed of reliving rape, any more than a middle aged person should be ashamed of skydiving or bungee jumping. We seek ways to change how we feel. Depression, (especially the kind that accompanies repressed memories) is lifted temporarily by sex. Don't accept the tar and feathers your mind is telling you are merited.

If you hate other gays, why? Do you hate them because they are gay? Because they are sexual creatures? Do you see your membership in their ranks? Do you realize that if you hate them because you are gay you are hating yourself because you are gay? You are possibly a victim of "internalized Homophobia". Which means you dislike your gay motivations, are ashamed of yourself, and look down on yourself and others who participate in gay sex or gay desire.

Remember that if God is in your heart, he knows about the home he created there. He knows all that you have done and all that you are, including being gay. Remember that he doesn't judge us the way we judge ourselves. He is love, he is forgiveness, and he forgets the past. I heard a gay minister say that God created Gay love to show that love doesn't know limits. The gift of life you have doesn't include self hatred, shame, and guilt. It is supposed to be different.

Allow others to be themselves, allow yourself to be free. Free at last of guilt and free at last of shame. Be honest with yourself and your counselor who can be helpful in changing your attitudes towards other gay people.

It isn't uncommon for gay men to hate gays, to feel as though they are not a part of the gay community, to despise campy twinks, or nelly drag queens. It isn't uncommon for fit gym bunnies to look at overweight bears with disdain and dislike. It isn't altogether easy to love other gays that are nothing like yourself, especially when you may not really love yourself. You see loving oneself is the goal of therapy. Many people think you change yourself into what you see as perfect in order to have a successful therapeutic goal. In actuality isn't it easier to change your attitudes and assumptions so that you accept who you are?

Your reality of memory will not change or go away. You will eventually make your peace with the events that happened in the past and the control you give them to impact your present will be small. That my friend IS recovery. It gets better every day.

Love G.

A gay man who has walked the self hate road.

Man, took a lot of courage for you to be so honest in that post. Well done. You've probably done some other guys some good, too.

If any consolation, what you described used to be a good weekend at the tubs for me.

I don't know if I can directly address the issues you raised, but in my sexual experiences the acts haven't been uncommon. Isolation from other gays? I don't know if I can give you any useful input there, either. G's response/insight, imo, is particularly good.

If you don't have one - most of the guys would probably say it anyway - find a good, empathetic T with whom your absolutely comfortable discussing your sexual activities. (For me, that has NOT included women, or men who have no clue about gay culture).

My concern is perhaps more mundane. And just something to keep in mind for the time when you're ready to deal with it. Sounds like your plate's full right now with other stuff. Deal with what you can as you're able, my brother.

When you're ready, I'd suggest a full battery of STD screens...clap, syph, hep, herpes, HIV. Yep, all of 'em. Do it anonymously with the city/county. That's a lot and anxiety-producing, but at least you'll know where you stand.

I've had clap a few times in my history, herpes, dealt with tertiary syph and have been poz over 20 years. Obviously I'm in no position to lecture anyone about anything. This may actually be a case in which being dissociative is useful. Perhaps treat it as helpful information and take the emotional component out. Here's an irony, you may like yourself better for having done it.

And keep posting, Randy.

Thanks guys,
I am easing into this one slowly with my psychologist. We had a great session tonight. Tough but a great one none the less. I know I have a long road ahead. But this has been one of the bigger burdens to carry inside, and those memories are the ones unloading so heavy right now. Your right G. God is in my heart and loves me and all my fellow gays. I really know this and will learn to love myself. I think this is where all this is coming from.
I appreciate the support and will keep you all posted on the progress.
Mad props to you both,
Randy

Randy 65,
Lancer,

It is with great affection and love that I cherish the interactions I have with you all here. Thank you for your kind words.

I am moved by your words too Lancer, and have come to value greatly the opinions and points of view you bring to the discussion.

Love

G

(G's one of my fave MS guyz, even though he's far, far away).

Hugs instead of orgies occurred to me Randy. A thot?

Another one, too, that came to me while on another thread. Often the gay life is sexually charged anyway. Sometimes innocent. Sometimes not. Given my early history as a boy toy - stop laffin', G - I'm particularly sensitive to that (sometimes overreact to it) and simply avoid those types unless I know they're benign.

Several weeks ago an older friend of a friend grabbed my ass as we were parting. I was furious and let my friend know. I gave the old guy the look of death and said, "Don't do that again." In those situations, I have to admit some paranoia. I get where you might be coming from.

For perspective, I understand some of these guys are semi-closeted and go nuts around us open gays because they're otherwise repressed. But the behavior is unacceptable. Period. Yeah, boundaries. Good stuff.

No hatred for gays here. But I reallllly don't trust them either.

You really need to take that shit elsewhere, Tyr...certainly not the GBT forum.

No harm done. I'm not sure if he meant it in a hateful way. I didn't take it that way. But, thanks for having my back brother.
Randy

I'm really pleased to hear you have an empathetic T, Randy. This is major stuff you're processing...and sharing. Takes guts.