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#424207 - 02/04/13 01:28 AM Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate?
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
During my release of repressed memories, I became a sexual freak reliving my past rapes through submission and also power that I never had. Disassociating the whole while. It seems I was with over 50-60 people during a 4 month period. Control over twinks to eventually allowing large older males to be very forceful on me and I felt that I deserved the punishment and severe pain of reliving rape because I knew that feeling and deserved it. I am dealing with this hard and heavy right now. Memories being unleashed with more details than I thought possible.

My past memories from the age of 4 when my CSA happened are confusing and not filled with details, just mostly glimpses, pain, smells, but never full faces. The sexual freak memories are extremely detailed and when each is released it takes a huge toll on me.

I have come to realize that I have backed away from all my gay friends and do not participate in any gay functions. Even though my partner, who is great and I have been together for 13 years. I can not be around other gays because I am uncomfortable. Some how I have linked this behavior to my homosexuality.
I wanted to get others input on this. Am I the only person to have gone through this to be filled with these emotions. I have never cheated or had sex out of a committed relationship before or after the sexual freak. I'm truly confused of the feelings of anger and hatred towards other gays.
Please help,
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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#424265 - 02/04/13 03:14 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:57 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#424273 - 02/04/13 05:31 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Man, took a lot of courage for you to be so honest in that post. Well done. You've probably done some other guys some good, too.

If any consolation, what you described used to be a good weekend at the tubs for me.

I don't know if I can directly address the issues you raised, but in my sexual experiences the acts haven't been uncommon. Isolation from other gays? I don't know if I can give you any useful input there, either. G's response/insight, imo, is particularly good.

If you don't have one - most of the guys would probably say it anyway - find a good, empathetic T with whom your absolutely comfortable discussing your sexual activities. (For me, that has NOT included women, or men who have no clue about gay culture).

My concern is perhaps more mundane. And just something to keep in mind for the time when you're ready to deal with it. Sounds like your plate's full right now with other stuff. Deal with what you can as you're able, my brother.

When you're ready, I'd suggest a full battery of STD screens...clap, syph, hep, herpes, HIV. Yep, all of 'em. Do it anonymously with the city/county. That's a lot and anxiety-producing, but at least you'll know where you stand.

I've had clap a few times in my history, herpes, dealt with tertiary syph and have been poz over 20 years. Obviously I'm in no position to lecture anyone about anything. This may actually be a case in which being dissociative is useful. Perhaps treat it as helpful information and take the emotional component out. Here's an irony, you may like yourself better for having done it.

And keep posting, Randy.

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#424319 - 02/04/13 11:14 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
Thanks guys,
I am easing into this one slowly with my psychologist. We had a great session tonight. Tough but a great one none the less. I know I have a long road ahead. But this has been one of the bigger burdens to carry inside, and those memories are the ones unloading so heavy right now. Your right G. God is in my heart and loves me and all my fellow gays. I really know this and will learn to love myself. I think this is where all this is coming from.
I appreciate the support and will keep you all posted on the progress.
Mad props to you both,
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



Top
#424525 - 02/06/13 04:58 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:58 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#424779 - 02/09/13 08:18 AM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
(G's one of my fave MS guyz, even though he's far, far away).

Hugs instead of orgies occurred to me Randy. A thot?

Another one, too, that came to me while on another thread. Often the gay life is sexually charged anyway. Sometimes innocent. Sometimes not. Given my early history as a boy toy - stop laffin', G - I'm particularly sensitive to that (sometimes overreact to it) and simply avoid those types unless I know they're benign.

Several weeks ago an older friend of a friend grabbed my ass as we were parting. I was furious and let my friend know. I gave the old guy the look of death and said, "Don't do that again." In those situations, I have to admit some paranoia. I get where you might be coming from.

For perspective, I understand some of these guys are semi-closeted and go nuts around us open gays because they're otherwise repressed. But the behavior is unacceptable. Period. Yeah, boundaries. Good stuff.

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#424816 - 02/09/13 10:24 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
No hatred for gays here. But I reallllly don't trust them either.
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#424847 - 02/10/13 01:50 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Tyr]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Tyr
No hatred for gays here. But I reallllly don't trust them either.

You really need to take that shit elsewhere, Tyr...certainly not the GBT forum.

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#424878 - 02/10/13 08:58 PM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
No harm done. I'm not sure if he meant it in a hateful way. I didn't take it that way. But, thanks for having my back brother.
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



Top
#424905 - 02/11/13 02:21 AM Re: Isolation from other gay males, Is this hate? [Re: Randy65]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'm really pleased to hear you have an empathetic T, Randy. This is major stuff you're processing...and sharing. Takes guts.

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