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#424083 - 02/02/13 06:16 PM vertigo anyone?
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
When I was a kid as far back as I can remember I was terrified of heights, just petrified, I used to have all kind of dreams about being forced (no idea in my dreams about who or what was forcing me, just a feeling Iíve always had) to climb something treacherous, the outside of a building or something and then fall. These stopped around the time I turned 20 when in my dreams I started to fly instead of falling, and then the dreams stopped, never had another one. Now the other thing with this is I used to be able to put my mind in a weird state, kinda like turning off my thoughts, relaxing and if I closed my eyes it felt like I was falling backward, I used to be able to do this till I was about 20 so about the same time as my dreams stopped, I can recall the feeling, just I canít stop thinking on command anymore. See Iím still scared as hell of heights really scared but I think control has a lot to do with it, understand the reason I ďvolunteeredĒ submarines is because if someone told me to start chipping & painting on some mast way up high, it just wouldnít have worked out. Fast-forward to when I worked for Northern Telecom and worked in cell, now I never did tower climb but spent a lot of time in aerial lifts, 80+ feet in the air, it bothered me but nothing like say getting off an elevator on the 20th floor and being on an open air balcony; scares the shit out of me, I mean I freeze up kinda. Not sure if this anything to do with my abuse or is this just some control issue I have?

Any thoughts gentlemen?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424087 - 02/02/13 06:33 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i'm afraid of heights, too. never associated it with CSA. i just thought that it was a healthy instinct for self-preservation.

i am afraid of water - or rather - of drowning - never did learn to swim. i'm ok as long as i don't get into water where i can't touch bottom. i don't know where that fear came from. but there were definitely some scary episodes in my childhood related to swimming pools.

i am also afraid of speed. i put that down to a couple of bicycle crashes i had as a kid.

i have a fear of authority figures that is well-grounded in reality - and connected to CSA.

my greatest fears have always been of people and relational stuff - mockery, contempt, rejection, etc. TOTALLY caused by CSA!

i think most of my fears are aggravated, augmented and magnified by the CSA but not all are caused by it.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#424097 - 02/02/13 08:10 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Originally Posted By: traveler
i'm afraid of heights, too. never associated it with CSA. i just thought that it was a healthy instinct for self-preservation.


Self-preservation? Something I donít typically display under any circumstances, I typically react and do what has to happen with zero regard, heights are the only thing that gets me like that.


Originally Posted By: traveler
i have a fear of authority figures that is well-grounded in reality - and connected to CSA.

my greatest fears have always been of people and relational stuff - mockery, contempt, rejection, etc. TOTALLY caused by CSA!

i think most of my fears are aggravated, augmented and magnified by the CSA but not all are caused by it.

Lee


Same here, just Iíve always lived with a death wish and until recently never understood why, just like I said scared as hell of heights, like right now Iím staying in a hotel on the 17th floor, no biggie but as soon as you get off the elevator, bam right there, 17 stories up 48Ē of walkway, straight down, when I checked in last Sunday it just freaked me out, bad! Itís kinda weird too some bridges donít bother me, others scare the shit out of me, some bridges donít matter, too much traffic, canít figure it out?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424099 - 02/02/13 08:27 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh, y'know Cee, I hate that Hyatt indoor atrium thing for the same reason. I'm okay if I'm cocooned by walls, but that's it. Have a favorite 60-foot bridge for some local shoots...as long as I don't look over the edge too much.

I think you hit on it with control. Mine's a little backwards.

I've always loved commercial flying, staring out the window at the view for hours. But back when I flew my own plane, I remember being about 7000 feet up and suddenly seized by panic when I realized I was being held aloft by one engine and I was the only one who could get me back down on the ground. I quit shortly after that, ostensibly because I was having trouble with my eyesight.

Any insights anyone?

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#424120 - 02/03/13 01:00 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Love to fly will look out the window till i get a crick in my neck, awesome views like the Grand Canyon leaving LAX going east or anytime flying over NYC, typically I try to sit in an isle always trying to get off the plane asap cause flying today just sucks; I remember the ďgood ole daysĒ being able to smoke and carry power tools onboard, let alone a hot meal in coach, 11hour flight and they donít even feed you anymore wtf.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424126 - 02/03/13 05:27 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Just for you Cee

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#424127 - 02/03/13 08:32 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Not to be a know-it-all, but technically fear of heights is not Vertigo, its called Acrophobia. Related to CSA? I don't know, but anything's possible in our F-ed up world.

Vertigo is a malfunction of the balance mechanism of the inner ear, which produces a sensation of spinning and falling through space. I had an attack of it a month ago, and it totally disabled me for three days, until it finally passed.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#424129 - 02/03/13 08:46 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Jude]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Thank's for clarifying that Jude.I have vertigo and the last attack I had knocked me flat on my back.During the actual attack I really thought me and the stove were going to fall through the kitchen wall I crawled on my hands and knees to the couch and remanined imobalized for the rest of the day.
Maybe the fear of hieghts is attached to vertigo becasue if you ever had an attack up a ladder etc......
As for it steming from CSA I don't know either.There was a lot of physical abuse in my life as a child. Maybe that contributed to it.

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#424149 - 02/03/13 11:49 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't like hieghts/bridges where I can get close to the edge. The closer to the edge I get the greater the pull to go over. Jump/fall I don't know, that's why I say pull.

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#424157 - 02/03/13 01:45 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
ďhigh anxietyĒ awesome!

Jude the vertigo was more about the mental/physical feelings not associated with my fear of heights, itís just that the feeling of falling backwards was really strong when it was happening but strangely enjoyable and liberating, nothing like my fear of heights, I could never place where it came from maybe it was a prelude to dis-associating during my abuse, who knows?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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