I have one area of my life that is overwhelming. It is a 96 out of 10 on my important, "get-back-to-it-after-abuse-discovery" list. Whenever I try, I can get about 3 minutes into it and I fall asleep, literally, so overwhelmed I cannot stay conscious. I have tried many things to process this, and so far, nothing has provided the relief I need to maintain the curiosity of the investment consistently.
Today, I have had an "ah Ha!" moment. Today I was again laying on the coach, the final resting place of my bi weekly destruction in this endeavor, and I was again overwhelmed with dread and discouragement. Feeling flu like sick and coming in and out of consciousness, I had a thought about resolving an issue, a small, insignificant issue.
Want to know what it was? I had cracked a board and was wondering how to fix it, I came up with a possible solution without completely replacing it, although even replacing it was something I could simply do. Earth shattering isn't it. Anyway.., I felt better. I "woke up", able to listen for a few more moments in the overwhelming event. I could not only listen, but was curious about the way others understood a topic and how they reacted to it. It was very short lived, but powerful. I actually missed it the first time. The second time again, another resolution, and I awoke. This time I was even more alert, I could sit up, I could think without condemning thoughts and feeling like I was afraid or disabled.
When I realized this, I knew the answer. As long as I sit in this very healthy event and condemn myself, it overtakes my desire to be curious and consistent. While the things I have done in the past and have been done to me are terrible, they are not my present and cannot be dwelt upon if I am to live the life I make the effort to be in! This event is not about my destruction, it is the very opposite in fact. It is the demeaning, destructive, shameful oppression I put on it that overwhelms me. Resolution in the present cannot be about the abuse, acting out and damage but about the positive and encouraging event it is! This event has been with me my whole life, so too it has been a location for the abuse, the acting out, the discipline and punishment, the shame, fear, terror and destruction. Yes, this place has been a geographic trigger! No matter where I run, this place I go to anywhere in the world will be a trigger! It will remind me to begin to tear down myself.
The solution, that rich, decadent, velvety covering is to resolve the past promptly. When I am accosted by negative feelings and thoughts, to have a plan of statements that affirm the present recovery success. I feel the first ones, I do not have words for it, so I will hug myself, telling me it is okay to be uncomfortable, but that this place is not what is uncomfortable, it is me in this place. So too, if I accept the past as the past, I can process the present as the present. I can be comfortable. In doing that, I can overcome discouragement.