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#424083 - 02/02/13 06:16 PM vertigo anyone?
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
When I was a kid as far back as I can remember I was terrified of heights, just petrified, I used to have all kind of dreams about being forced (no idea in my dreams about who or what was forcing me, just a feeling Iíve always had) to climb something treacherous, the outside of a building or something and then fall. These stopped around the time I turned 20 when in my dreams I started to fly instead of falling, and then the dreams stopped, never had another one. Now the other thing with this is I used to be able to put my mind in a weird state, kinda like turning off my thoughts, relaxing and if I closed my eyes it felt like I was falling backward, I used to be able to do this till I was about 20 so about the same time as my dreams stopped, I can recall the feeling, just I canít stop thinking on command anymore. See Iím still scared as hell of heights really scared but I think control has a lot to do with it, understand the reason I ďvolunteeredĒ submarines is because if someone told me to start chipping & painting on some mast way up high, it just wouldnít have worked out. Fast-forward to when I worked for Northern Telecom and worked in cell, now I never did tower climb but spent a lot of time in aerial lifts, 80+ feet in the air, it bothered me but nothing like say getting off an elevator on the 20th floor and being on an open air balcony; scares the shit out of me, I mean I freeze up kinda. Not sure if this anything to do with my abuse or is this just some control issue I have?

Any thoughts gentlemen?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424087 - 02/02/13 06:33 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i'm afraid of heights, too. never associated it with CSA. i just thought that it was a healthy instinct for self-preservation.

i am afraid of water - or rather - of drowning - never did learn to swim. i'm ok as long as i don't get into water where i can't touch bottom. i don't know where that fear came from. but there were definitely some scary episodes in my childhood related to swimming pools.

i am also afraid of speed. i put that down to a couple of bicycle crashes i had as a kid.

i have a fear of authority figures that is well-grounded in reality - and connected to CSA.

my greatest fears have always been of people and relational stuff - mockery, contempt, rejection, etc. TOTALLY caused by CSA!

i think most of my fears are aggravated, augmented and magnified by the CSA but not all are caused by it.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#424097 - 02/02/13 08:10 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Originally Posted By: traveler
i'm afraid of heights, too. never associated it with CSA. i just thought that it was a healthy instinct for self-preservation.


Self-preservation? Something I donít typically display under any circumstances, I typically react and do what has to happen with zero regard, heights are the only thing that gets me like that.


Originally Posted By: traveler
i have a fear of authority figures that is well-grounded in reality - and connected to CSA.

my greatest fears have always been of people and relational stuff - mockery, contempt, rejection, etc. TOTALLY caused by CSA!

i think most of my fears are aggravated, augmented and magnified by the CSA but not all are caused by it.

Lee


Same here, just Iíve always lived with a death wish and until recently never understood why, just like I said scared as hell of heights, like right now Iím staying in a hotel on the 17th floor, no biggie but as soon as you get off the elevator, bam right there, 17 stories up 48Ē of walkway, straight down, when I checked in last Sunday it just freaked me out, bad! Itís kinda weird too some bridges donít bother me, others scare the shit out of me, some bridges donít matter, too much traffic, canít figure it out?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424099 - 02/02/13 08:27 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh, y'know Cee, I hate that Hyatt indoor atrium thing for the same reason. I'm okay if I'm cocooned by walls, but that's it. Have a favorite 60-foot bridge for some local shoots...as long as I don't look over the edge too much.

I think you hit on it with control. Mine's a little backwards.

I've always loved commercial flying, staring out the window at the view for hours. But back when I flew my own plane, I remember being about 7000 feet up and suddenly seized by panic when I realized I was being held aloft by one engine and I was the only one who could get me back down on the ground. I quit shortly after that, ostensibly because I was having trouble with my eyesight.

Any insights anyone?

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#424120 - 02/03/13 01:00 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Love to fly will look out the window till i get a crick in my neck, awesome views like the Grand Canyon leaving LAX going east or anytime flying over NYC, typically I try to sit in an isle always trying to get off the plane asap cause flying today just sucks; I remember the ďgood ole daysĒ being able to smoke and carry power tools onboard, let alone a hot meal in coach, 11hour flight and they donít even feed you anymore wtf.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424126 - 02/03/13 05:27 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Just for you Cee

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#424127 - 02/03/13 08:32 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1568
Loc: New England
Not to be a know-it-all, but technically fear of heights is not Vertigo, its called Acrophobia. Related to CSA? I don't know, but anything's possible in our F-ed up world.

Vertigo is a malfunction of the balance mechanism of the inner ear, which produces a sensation of spinning and falling through space. I had an attack of it a month ago, and it totally disabled me for three days, until it finally passed.

Jude
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I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
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#424129 - 02/03/13 08:46 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Jude]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Thank's for clarifying that Jude.I have vertigo and the last attack I had knocked me flat on my back.During the actual attack I really thought me and the stove were going to fall through the kitchen wall I crawled on my hands and knees to the couch and remanined imobalized for the rest of the day.
Maybe the fear of hieghts is attached to vertigo becasue if you ever had an attack up a ladder etc......
As for it steming from CSA I don't know either.There was a lot of physical abuse in my life as a child. Maybe that contributed to it.

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#424149 - 02/03/13 11:49 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't like hieghts/bridges where I can get close to the edge. The closer to the edge I get the greater the pull to go over. Jump/fall I don't know, that's why I say pull.

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#424157 - 02/03/13 01:45 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
ďhigh anxietyĒ awesome!

Jude the vertigo was more about the mental/physical feelings not associated with my fear of heights, itís just that the feeling of falling backwards was really strong when it was happening but strangely enjoyable and liberating, nothing like my fear of heights, I could never place where it came from maybe it was a prelude to dis-associating during my abuse, who knows?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424160 - 02/03/13 02:17 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Candu]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Originally Posted By: Candu
I don't like hieghts/bridges where I can get close to the edge. The closer to the edge I get the greater the pull to go over. Jump/fall I don't know, that's why I say pull.


I have this too!!!!!! I've had dissociative disorder for most of my life (CSA induced) & have a huge fear of heights... But for some reason when I'm at a ledge, I feel a need to go over it. & I tend to feel that nothing bad will come of it! This has intensified my fear of heights: Fear of what I may do when at heights! I also have similar feelings when driving, like swerving into oncoming traffic.

I have also had a bunch of intense vertigo over the years. Not every day, but pretty regular.
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#424174 - 02/03/13 05:13 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Candu]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Candu
I don't like hieghts/bridges where I can get close to the edge. The closer to the edge I get the greater the pull to go over. Jump/fall I don't know, that's why I say pull.


Candu, have I got a bridge for you! (see above) We can creep to the top of the span together. I hate freaking out alone...

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#424223 - 02/04/13 08:59 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Great! Company on the way down. laugh

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#424333 - 02/05/13 12:41 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Candu]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hang on, Candu. Here we go!


Gravity sucks.

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#424340 - 02/05/13 01:04 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Lancer]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I also have some fear of heights. I remember when I was 15 and went up to the top of the Empire State Building. It creeped me out pretty badly. But I didn't have a feeling of being drawn toward the edge.

My great fears are from csa. The kidnap experience. He actually worked at creating terror. But then I think I was given LSD. Probably a high dose. It created terror. I had an EMDR session for it a year ago and it tripped me so badly that I dissociated right there. I think my fears are sequestered in an alternate personality which can get triggered.

I'm slowly fitting the pieces together.

Puff



Edited by pufferfish (02/05/13 01:05 AM)

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#424350 - 02/05/13 03:28 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
I know it might seem strange for all of my drug use but describing mental/emotional happenstance in my own mind is so very hard, Iíll try this again. Imagine your body in any position, standing, sitting whatever, you can close your eyes, and if you concentrate, you stop thinking, it feels like your falling backwards, you can feel it in the pit of your stomach, just like when Iím staring out my hotel balcony now, yet it feels good, it feels safe, itís inviting, you can open your eyes and poof back to normal, itís just like ďgood vertigoĒ if there can be such a thing? Its why I asked if maybe anyone thought maybe it was what my mind did prior to being abused, disassociating; just wondering if anyone has any ideas, itís one of the few things Iím having problems dealing with, I remember it starting after I carried el diablo into the ground? Maybe it was jubilation at my tormentorís death, idk?

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424560 - 02/07/13 12:11 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Cee

I want to suggest something that occurred to me when I first read your post on fear of heights. I didn't get the idea included in my response.

Now I want to raise the question as to whether somebody either actually dropped you when you were very young, or maybe that someone purposely scared you badly by threatening to drop you when you were very young.

Puff

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#424561 - 02/07/13 12:31 AM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Puff I had never thought of that, itís so simple you might be right, until I was 4 I lived in a the second floor of a duplex, it also wouldnít surprise me if he did threaten to throw me off or something, he was such an evil man!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#424688 - 02/08/13 12:23 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Y'know, people joke about that Puff, but I think you have something. Considering I was physically abused in my crib and, as a toddler, had my knee torn up with a metal weed eater blade - at least that was always the mommybitch's cocktail party repartee after she'd knocked back a few - I think it may have been possible in my case. Have no memory of it.

Frankly, after that Paris balcony-dangling incident with MJ, I've wondered how his kids will fare. Loved his musical creativity, but he was a real warped &%$$##

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#424697 - 02/08/13 12:46 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: cosmos]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I want to raise the question as to whether somebody either actually dropped you when you were very young, or maybe that someone purposely scared you badly by threatening to drop you when you were very young.

While I don't know if this has anything to do with my fear of heights but when my brother and I were young (12 ?) we took a bike ride and ended up at at a bridge over a wide river running through our city. While at the middle of the bridge we were threatened by a group of older boys. They convinced us that they were going to throw us off the bridge and into the river if we didn't give them all our money and our bikes. We ended up with our bikes but we were really badly scared and quickly headed for home after they let us go.



Lancer - I just saw your above post with the Therma & Louise clip. That movie makes me cry on a number of different levels.

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#424714 - 02/08/13 03:56 PM Re: vertigo anyone? [Re: Lancer]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 738
Loc: Southeast USA
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