I think one big problem for me has been "healing" according to the norms and dictates of Ts, Psychs, Courts, F&F, Social Norms (including from within the churches I've been hopping-through).
God has never disappointed me or left me, nor has he let me down. But I've been yielding to and recognizing what fellow Christians (including Pastors and elders) see as a "healed Still." its absurd that I have not recognized this before.
I think everyone is in a hurry to just make you look like them. Act like them; BE like them. I've been blamed for the marriage falling apart. My ex has been scorned for not standing by me enough and betrayal. Pastors and elder claim I simply need to leave it all at the foot of the cross and it will fix itself. All ask if my Ts are Christian. And when they leak what they really think...the myths go flying around the room like moths.
I think I need to recognize that no one (so far) in the church is qualified to advise me on anything regarding CSA and the millions of tangets of pain it caused.
I've already "overcome" CSA. I was masterful in the conformist world of business, education, money, etc. Its what I thought I needed to reach to be "a normal." I was kicked out of "normal" for not being compatible. Why would I strive to return as an "improved normal?"
So I'm thinking I continue with Christianity, in a church where nobody knows me, then self-build according to nothing but the principals I know and like within the Bible. Its gotta be better than what I'm doing now.