It happened when I was 4 years old. It went on for several years after. I felt like a body full of sin. I believed that I was going to go to hell and that God no longer loved me, but hated me. Even as a teenager when everything was over, I would still tear up thinking about life after death and how I messed up everything.
The shame, guilt and sin that filled my tiny body made me want God's love and to save myself from burning in hell. I had pre-marital, incest-same sex. I had committed a great sin. I thought that maybe if I become a good person, if I do great in school, if I stay away from drugs and alcohol and try not to have sex anymore until i'm married, maybe, just maybe god could love me again.
I'm from Utah, so seeing and hearing about other kids going to church really hurt me inside. I never went to church, I didn't feel pure enough, I was so filled with sin that I didn't feel like I could go to church without everyone knowing what I had done. I wanted to be like all the other kids, I wanted to sing songs about God's love for us, I wanted to be able to pray without feeling guilty or ashamed, without feeling that I had so much sin living inside me that I ultimately became a bad person. I wanted that security to know that God does ultimately forgive those who truly repent the acts they committed but I had done it for so long that I didn't know if I could ultimately repent. I wanted to be like everyone else, knowing God loved them.
I became a star student, never touched drugs or alcohol, and kept all my promises on becoming a good person for God's love in return. When I realized that what I did wasn't my fault, when I was able to accept that I was abused, I got a numb feeling. It was like, did I do this for nothing? or was this God's plan? I became a better person because of the shame, guilt and sin and apparently my relationship with God was fine, there was no reason for him to not love me.
At this point, I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I started going to church trying to accept God into my life, now that I knew nothing was my fault and the sin he put into my body wasn't my sin to hold onto. However, when i'm in church discussing God, I feel out of place. Like I still have something to prove. When going to church I still feel numb, its almost like a trigger but a bitter sweet one. I finally feel like I can have a relationship with God, but I feel numb about it at the same time. I don't know how to feel. I believe in God, but I just don't know where we stand in our relationship.