It's confusing for me sometimes. I remember one or two instances of middle and high school abuse, and about really being hyper sensitive to other boys that I though were being abused, and worried about them. I was never informed of anything, but I guess but the way acted, or reacted to things, it was like all the hairs stuck up on the back of my neck and I felt like "I knew" it happened to them too.
I have almost the text book symptoms of a typical CSA at times, however I can basically not remember my life before middle school. Elementary school and before is almost a black hole. I remember a a few things, some good, some bad...but no actual abuse...mostly just nothing. Even middle school is hard to remember. I remember a bit up until I was about 3yo or so...but most of my childhood is like it never happened, as hard as I try I cannot remember anything. Sometimes I wonder if it is better that way, maybe if I don't actually know what happened, then I won't relive it.
The thing is that I would like to know who it was, or who THEY were, even. I remember even to this day my mom talking to me about a teacher from elementary school who used to give her the creeps. He was actually fired the year after I had him in class, and no one seems to know why. I tried to looked him up on the internet to see if there was any info, but I could find it. I cannot remember anything about what he looked like, or being in class, except for one still photograph in my head...one of the few memories for grade school. He always had me sit in the front center row in class...In this still memory photograph he always sat on my desk in front of me during class, and made me uncomfortable. That is the only thing I remember from that year...a still image.
Every once in awhile, my mom will still bring it up to me, saying how he always creeped her out, and no one seems to know why he was fired. She used to ask me all the time back then if he ever "did anything to me" or "did anything weird".
Since I don't remember...I can't say he did or did not do anything. I don't know if he was the abuse, or one of several, or not at all. All I remember is I never liked him and he sat on my desk that was front and center of the class.