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#423963 - 02/01/13 08:37 AM Lunch with my Dad
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 624
Loc: Southeast USA
My dad called last night and asked me to meet him for lunch today--his treat. 'm not sure what is going on, he just said he wanted a chance to talk.

To be clear, my dad was not involved in any way with the CSA. I haven't told either of my parents about it, but I'm afraid they know all about it since I have finally disclosed it on here and to my T. That's silly, but...

It may be just my dad wanting an adult father-son conversation...but it isn't usually like him to want to meet for lunch out of the blue. I asked my mom and she just said that dad has wanted to do this since Christmas. I know what has been bothering me, but I wonder what is bothering him?

Will
_________________________
You take a walk and you try to understand
Nothing can hurt you
Unless you want it to... R.E.M./Pylon "Crazy"


My Story: Cruel Summer

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#423964 - 02/01/13 08:42 AM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I'm afraid they know all about it since I have finally disclosed it on here and to my T. That's silly, but...

I agree. How would they know anything about you being here? And your T would not have said anything. I'm not saying that you have no reason to be anxious but I doubt it has anything to do with CSA issues.

(normal discloser, right 87% of the time 19 times out of 20)

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#423969 - 02/01/13 09:12 AM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
We all fear exposure - you've written of this at length, of your suspicions, of how sometimes even this website isn't anonymous enough, that saying it all, for real, puts it "out there" and makes you vulnerable. Especially in your case when it turned out you were RIGHT and someone else DID know. Looking through that lens, anything out of the ordinary seems an exposure risk.

Just because something is a fact ("my dad doesn't know") does not mean it is convincing. I know how that feels too.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#423991 - 02/01/13 02:06 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Well...

Worst-case scenario is that your dad does know and he's proactively asking you out to lunch to talk about it -- that's a good thing, even if it's uncomfortable in the short term.

I have tried to talk to my dad about it, and he just goes completely silent and doesn't engage and doesn't ask questions, so it gives the feeling that he's not listening, even if he is...

I would love it if my father (a public figure in a southern state) took proactive interest in my recovery. So far, not so much.

Let us know how it goes.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424000 - 02/01/13 02:28 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 624
Loc: Southeast USA
Just finished lunch with dad...not directly about CSA, but a few things I need to think about.
_________________________
You take a walk and you try to understand
Nothing can hurt you
Unless you want it to... R.E.M./Pylon "Crazy"


My Story: Cruel Summer

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#424003 - 02/01/13 03:15 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Thanks for the update. PM if you need someone to talk to about it privately.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424013 - 02/01/13 04:16 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 624
Loc: Southeast USA
Thanks, Cant---and everyone else (sorry it's long, I can ramble)

My dad wanted a long chat away from kids and distractions. At first, I thought he was going to tell me that either he or my mom were sick, or something like that. Thankfully, that's not the case.

Mom at some point mentioned to dad that I was seeing someone about adult ADHD. I told her this after Thanksgiving. Dad, knowing I was diagnosed with this as a kid grilled me about the symptoms..what ADHD feels like and how meds affect it. I don't mind talking about it-since he remembers what I was like as a kid; it's no shameful secret like certain other things.

During the interrogation, he finally said that he thinks he is ADHD and always has been...and that my grandfather was the same way. He wants to bring it up with a therapist. Being diplomatic about it, I asked him why he wants to do something about it now--just as he nears retirement. He said that he is seeing a T to be better able to adjust to retirement---and that the possible ADHD trait could be a real problem for him...but it seems it would be the opposite---but I'm going with it.

He then got very serious and asked me about childhood---if I was happy or not. I got very nervous and almost dropped my fork. I thought he could see through me and was about to ask me to cut to the chase as to what happened at camp. He didn't so much do that...more later...

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay


Dad is going through a tough time because he is 65 and is contemplating retirement. He feels like the sand is falling faster and faster through the hourglass. He has regrets...not the middle-age kind of stuff like holding onto youthful exuberance and ability...more like wistfulness about life as a whole. He feels very guilty about traveling so much when I was a kid. (Cue Cat's in the Cradle). For the better part of 25 years, my dad traveled for his company which held a number of federal government procurement contracts...often at overseas military facilities---and troubleshooting manufacturing problems.

The episode where we moved to California is weighing on him like it weighed on me back then. He is really struggling with several things:

1) Moving to LA and uprooting the family in the process
2) Working and traveling so much to the point where he missed swim meets, baseball games, teacher conferences, and on and on...
3) Sending me to boarding school
4) Fear that I will do the same thing to my family
5) Why I called home from West Texas on a river rafting trip at age 15 asking for a plane ticket home. (When I was 14, my parents offered a no-questions-asked bailout from any bad situation-day or night and from anywhere).

I let him talk and get it out. He went back to the summer of 1985 and said that he really missed me that summer while I was at camp...and....that he thought I acted differently when I returned...that he wasn't sure what it was, but he sensed something. He reminded me of the knee surgery I had that fall (I thought it was the next year, but he corrected me). He said when I was wheeled back into my room from recovery, I was of course loopy. Damn. He really snuck up with this. I thought we were talking about ADHD and regret.

This surgery was somewhat triggering because of the lack of dignity...with a hospital gown, the prodding and poking and a bladder catheter and all.
He said I once objected to the nurse checking my catheter and I announced to her that, "I'm through with that touchy-feely business...I need a 'No Trespassing sign'" The nurse laughed, but dad thought I was serious. He filed that away.

Shit.

I just sat there at lunch of seared tuna with my dad and all I could do was laugh and say it must have been the morphine drip. I always thought I came close to telling all right then and there, but didn't realize I came that close.

I almost told him right there over lunch--and maybe I should have. My dad in true ADHD fashion can grab certain things (to the detriment of others) and hyper focus until he gets results. I know it well. That's me too. Hopefully, this will pass soon and he will find something else to worry about. I plan to tell, but I want it to be on my terms and not over seared tuna in the middle of the lunch crowd.

Am I unreasonable? Dad is on a fishing expedition and I almost took the bait. If nothing else, maybe this is an indication he is primed to hear bad news when I do decide to share. I was really worried about him more than mom, so maybe his own T is helping him take on 1985? I reassured him that boarding school was good for me and the real reason invoked the get out of jail free card on that river trip. I kept the reason to myself since 1987---and now I finally told and he agreed I did the right thing.

I'm amazed at what seem to be coincidences about this whole CSA disclosure...it seems as everything is coming at me at once..opportunities to at last come figuratively clean. It feels harder to contain inside the bounds of my wife, my T to the great people on MS.

Anxiety anyone?

Will



Edited by Suwanee (02/01/13 04:42 PM)
_________________________
You take a walk and you try to understand
Nothing can hurt you
Unless you want it to... R.E.M./Pylon "Crazy"


My Story: Cruel Summer

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#424019 - 02/01/13 06:25 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
Will,

Bravo. What a beautiful life moment you just had. And well written, I might add.

Anxiety, sure. But your dad has set you up perfectly to disclose to him at a time and place of your choosing. He knows something happened and he wants to know; he's afraid it's his fault.

I wish my dad were this open and self-aware.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#424023 - 02/01/13 06:47 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
You are handling this remarkably well.

In a way I could see it as liberating, because, yes, your dad obviously has suspicions and had already been preparing himself for you to tell him. So it should be somewhat easier when that time comes. And yes, you did the right thing, trust me - disclosing to your parents is not to be done in public. Theres no way to predict when tears will start. Also after I told my folks my head felt buzzy, like a TV tuned to static, and I couldn't drive a car the rest of that day. Again - a logistic prep issue that you must bear in mind.

If there was ever any doubt, you now also know he accepts you and is only worried for your well-being regardless of what happened.

You've got a lot of thinking and planning to do. But when you have supportive parents, getting the oldest secret out to them actively feels good.

OBVIOUSLY make it clear to your dad that this wasn't his fault, or the job or the move. Re-emphasize that "out of jail" card you'd played - because you always knew they loved you and were on your side and you could trust them. There's no way to avoid them feeling a bit like failures, nor is it important to feel guilty about that - it is a risk of parenthood. So come prepared with case studies of times they helped you, when you knew you could count on them, etc.


Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (02/01/13 07:00 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#424024 - 02/01/13 07:07 PM Re: Lunch with my Dad [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada

Wow.

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