Right, Cant - this is incredible.
Part of me wants to be cynical and say it's not enough, but in the world we live in Mahoney's censure feels huge.
It seems that no matter how I try to separate my own experience from recent news... I take this, and the Boy Scouts, and Penn State, and so on, and so on, very personally.
Last night I had another night with nightmares of powerlessness, and as I woke my partner relayed the news of Gomez's action to me. I've been following the LA Times for weeks. Of course I started to cry.
The man who fucked with me is long dead. I can never confront him or see him punished. Although my experience of abuse was in no way related to the church, this feels symbolic to me, and it gives me something to hang on to.
Having something matter-or-fact and rational take place in this crazy maelstrom of emotion and reaction - like an institutional acknowledgment of wrong-doing and (even mild) punishment of a leader - gives me hope that I can find reason in my own circumstances.
I think it's been good for us lately. Not awesome, but better than it was 10, 20, and 30 years ago. Perpetrators are being brought down, and crimes are being punished.
The problem is, I am pretty confused. Still, after six years of trying to recover, I'm confused. If I hate my dad, is this enough? If I let go of my hate, is this giving up, or is it moving on? Did I deserve what he did? Even more complicated - did I kill him? Did I not give enough to make my family work right?
These are all victim issues that we all have to deal with, in one way and another. They don't rule my life all the time anymore, as they used to. But good lord, when I am faced with them again, I become powerless all over.
Damn. Why did that bastard rape me for years, ignore me when he didn't need me, and then leave me with this crap to figure out?
Nahr. Thanks for listening.
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.