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#423700 - 01/30/13 02:31 AM Re: Finally see what was taken from me-trigger alert [Re: Still]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Still
I'm Still wondering if it was "prostate pressure" that pushed semen out or if they were actual orgasms. At least early-on I could say there was noting but erectile reaction, which I did not even know was "a reaction" or even anything that was gonna be used against me.

I was an erection and habitual, masturbation-intense little kid. I learned that its not normal. I guess ALL SORTS of normal discovery about ourselves was twisted.

The way I understand it, any direct stimulation of the prostate will cause an erection, and eventually ejaculation. I'm not sure if ejaculation=orgasm, but anyway...

I remember getting an erection the first time he fondled me, when I was about 4, maybe 5, but no older. Also when he first raped me... I think I was about 6, and it was excruciatingly painful, but I had an erection...

Sometimes I feel like my first orgasm was stolen from me. Most guys get it while masturbating or even with girls, but I got mine with my father's dick up my ass... sick

Sorry. Triggering. But I guess the thread title already contains a warning.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#423711 - 01/30/13 07:28 AM Re: Finally see what was taken from me-trigger alert [Re: EdfromNYC]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 694
Loc: Southeast USA
You're right on the money. Erection and even orgasm are natural responses to stimulation. The mind can either be engaged---or not---especially at a younger age.

The perp who molested me was/is an obvious hebephile---that is, one who targets kids in early-mid puberty (11-14) as opposed to young children or older teens. What this means is that the victim is biologically able to orgasm/ejaculate, but the emotional development is still incomplete and incompatible with that type of behavior.

What I'm saying is that by 12 I was fully functioning down "there", so ejaculating during an assault was inevitable at the time. It took a long time for me to see it this way. The intervening years were guilt-ridden and full of shame and embarrassment....until I happened on an academic textbook of human sexuality at the library. There I found my answer in cold, clinical, non-sexual terminology.

Will
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Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#423720 - 01/30/13 09:06 AM Re: Finally see what was taken from me-trigger alert [Re: Suwanee]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
The intervening years were guilt-ridden and full of shame and embarrassment....until I happened on an academic textbook of human sexuality at the library. There I found my answer in cold, clinical, non-sexual terminology.


Wow I wish I had found that textbook. I feel like such and idiot.....I am finally getting this.

I 'knew' it wasn't my fault......Now I KNOW it (erection & orgasm) wasn't my fault either.

Will - thanks for the lesson on ......philes. I didn't know there was different sorts. They really should give you a manual or something when they decide to do nasty things to you.
So I guess the guy who did me at 15 was a ephebophilia (mid-to-late adolescents).

I've learnt more in this thread than I have in years.

Lee

PS that wasn't my first orgasm - another perp 'took' that at 10.


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/30/13 09:55 AM)
Edit Reason: add
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#423790 - 01/30/13 06:39 PM Re: Finally see what was taken from me-trigger alert [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
Sometimes I feel like my first orgasm was stolen from me. Most guys get it while masturbating or even with girls, but I got mine with ...


sorry, CG - that's bad. but even on your own isn't a guarantee that it is going to be good. my 1st O was solitary - exploring and trying to figure out what was happening to me. my parents were no help in the seks ed department. she literally told me about "birds and bees" (tweet and buzz!) and my friends weren't as far along as i was and were not a help either. when IT happened - i was terrified. i didn't know about M or Os and didn't know what was happening. i was sure i had done something incredibly wrong - everything else i did seemed to be wrong - and this was obviously something BIG! and the whole atmosphere in the house was so permeated with sekual repression and the conviction that it was all bad, dirty and evil - that IT was an incredibly traumatic experience. i felt like i'd been turned inside out - physically and emotionally. there was an element of exquisite pleasure in it - but far overshadowed by the negative feelings of fear and guilt and self-condemnation. this was at age 11? and i'd been experiencing abuse since 5 1/5 with big Es but never the O before. i was so horrified that even after learning what M was all about, it was pbobly 3 years before i tried it myself voluntarily. i am sure that this 1st experience affected my whole attitude toward anything sekual for the rest of my childhood and most of my adult years - only recently starting to recover from it. so - i guess there are many ways of getting the wrong start - and ignorance, neglect and a toxic atmosphere is another one of them.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#423822 - 01/31/13 01:06 AM Re: Finally see what was taken from me-trigger alert [Re: EdfromNYC]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm sorry Lee... I guess it doesn't really matter how they did it, but us guys on here seem to have one more thing in common - having our sexual awakening, which should have been a wonderful rite of passage, stolen and twisted and turned into something horrible and traumatic. frown
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#423844 - 01/31/13 09:23 AM Re: Finally see what was taken from me-trigger alert [Re: EdfromNYC]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I relate to so much on here especially about the first orgasm and the negative thinking about me doing something wrong whether due to an adult or by myself. I lived in a home of sexual repression/avoidance and I was a boy in need of direction like ALL boys. An adult man took advantage of that and under the cover of orgasm and stimulation deliberately took my innocence from me. It has been confusing until recently. It is becoming very clear what happened.

That wasn't my first orgasm but like Traveler mine was solitary and confusing and felt good but also felt like I did something wrong especially since it felt good. In my home, no one was allowed to feel good about anything really. So add something that I had no control over and that I had many, many questions about and I had no one to ask, well, up to a point, my family's dynamics pretty much teed me up to either be helped or abused, it depended on - what - luck or lack thereof? Don't know and doesn't really matter. What matters is what happened and what I can do about it today.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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