The thing about my sexual abuse that has always confused me (probably intended by my abuser) was that it felt good and that I orgasmed. That led me down a path of sexual acting out and seeking that good feeling of touch. I desperately needed to be touched and seen by a man and this first man took advantage of that void in my life and left me right after.

The thing is, I now realize that my orgasm covered up the fact that he was taking from me and I didn't know it and on top of that, I thought he was in fact GIVING something to me. That is the insidiousness of some abusers. Since I was a boy in need and he recognized that need, he moved in for the kill and took my innocence under the guise of being gentle and feel-good touch. It was sickness personified. And I've felt guilty about it ever since.

I am getting out from under this self-blame. I am understanding that there is evil in this world. I am understanding that my orgasm was a cover under which one (and then others) could perpetrate a crime against me and allow my shame to cover their tracks. Insidious. Evil.

This is me getting better to recognize this and to stop blaming myself for having an orgasm. That was part of the crime. It was used against me and it was evil disguised as comfort and care.

Hey Ed

Good post!

Siunds like you are Untangling the messages u received from the abuse and all that was going on in your life back then.

I relate to much of what you wrote - acting out, shame, confused bonding of sex with intimacy- I think you hit upon. A major truth for many of us: when you said u "desperately needed to be touched and seen by a man"

I have a theory that those who grew up in supportive environments and didn't hide the abuse started out on a path of healing and have had fewer self destructive behaviors - while others (including me) had to repress what happens and internalized the abuse and made some key assumptions about ourselves and the world at a young age.

There is male touch and intimacy that is neither sexual nor abusive- that is part of the healing truth I am discovering.

I think that's probably very true.

Ed's post touches on a subject that we often talk about obliquely...that an errection and especially an orgasm in the CSA context is "taking" and not "giving."

I was especially confused because my body reacted a certain way that didn't totally square with what my mind was processing.

As far as a supportive environment...I had that, but chose to keep the secret to myself. I was a plucky independent little kid...I thought I'd handle it myself. I should have told my parents...but instead I walked around with it for years. Then again, the energy I devoted to forgetting it was on balance productive.

Will

Hi, Ed!

Great topic!

In my own case, my abuser was not so much interested in stimulating me - much less do I suspect he possessed the manipulative skills and political mind to do so. Yet I still responded sexually. It took a long time for me to understand that I was wired that way - we all are, I suppose. It didn't mean I was gay or I liked it - even though I may have been gay anyways, and even though I may have found the feelings pleasurable. Those nuances are tough enough for an intelligent adult to sort through, much less a child of 12 or 13 - much less alone in secrecy. Every time before we started I would try to talk him out of it. His will was never thwarted - ever. I never once succeeded in keeping him off me. And at some point in any given session he initiated, I surrendered to the sexual tide that inexorably swept over me, and thus fully owned the guilt and shame afterwards.

So I guess in my case that doesn't make him "evil" - just selfish and short-sighted. A pig.

Great replies everyone! I feel something from everyone. Regardless of supportive or nonsupportive environment, the keeping of the secret of the abuser is the root of my continued "illness". The reason I kept the secret (besides the fact that my parents would have gotten mad at me): my shame and guilt due to my orgasm. Since I obviously enjoyed it, somehow I was culpable.

Surrender to the sexual tide - wow. Understood and experienced. The manipulation of that tide is a big thing for some/many abusers. Right now, I think of it as evil. Maybe I will progress to sickness, selfishness, etc. but right now I am at evil and good with that.

Besides years of physical reaction as "proof he likes it! what a homo!!!" They also used my silence against me...or my inaction: "how do you keep letting us do this to you?"

I should be an extra in The Walking Dead, as I lived it for so so long.

The first time I ever ejaculated was while my father was raping me. And he used it against me - confirmation that I'm a "fucking faggot" who enjoys being raped.

It took me years to understand that it was a purely mechanical reaction and had nothing to do with pleasure. And even when I understood that, it took me many more years to accept it. The thought of getting an orgasm from being raped still disgusts me...

I'm Still wondering if it was "prostate pressure" that pushed semen out or if they were actual orgasms. At least early-on I could say there was noting but erectile reaction, which I did not even know was "a reaction" or even anything that was gonna be used against me.

I was an erection and habitual, masturbation-intense little kid. I learned that its not normal. I guess ALL SORTS of normal discovery about ourselves was twisted.