http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/story/2013/01/29/quebec-montreal-gay-study.html

Sort of sounds hokey but COMING OUT , IS good for your mental health.

Some newcomers have asked if it gets better or if there is such a thing as RECOVERY. I always say its a process, not an event, but the more you do , the better it gets. Given we never got the tools for human relationships like others, we will always be a little unique - but hell it doesnt mean we wont live great lives.

The study basically says that there is reduced anxiety , stress hormones, sleeplessness and inner turmoir by coming out. When the real you is accepted by those you love , that feeling as an adult wipes out so much of the shame we sometimes carry from the start. Its like restoring something that has been lost when no one told the little kid it was "going to be ok". Not coming out denies those you love the opportunity to really know and love the real you. What a gift you give them and in return that feeling of acceptance as a person is something i waited 50 years for.

But what if they dont accept you. Well like Dr Suis said, to those that count - it wont matter, to those that it matters to - they dont count. Its tough at first but the power is in your court now. There is nothing they can do to hurt you any longer.

There is so much more to recovery, but just accepting yourself is sure a good first step. Ok leap.

Cheers

1lifenow,

I really feel like coming out is very affirming.

It isn't always reported to be so, as some of us tend to do it as an act of desperation and not always at the "best time".

As someone who used absolutely bad timing to judge when to come out, I was very dependent on those around me to support me both financially and for validation of my gay Identity. Both were denied to me at a critical time in my youth. (I first came out at 15) I was struggling with internal homophobia and shame of my gay self. Dealing with the fall out from coming out, I was ostracized by an extremely conservative family and subjected to Ex-Gay ministries and agendas.

Later in my life I (as you deftly point out) became aware that coming out wasn't an event, but more a process. It is a commitment to self that you become willing to accept yourself as a gay person and refuse the mantle of shame and guilt that may be presented to you. Regardless of how much acceptance you receive from your family or friends, you must be strong enough to challenge negativity and affirm and validate yourself internally. I was met on all sides with rejection and hate and consequently lacked the abilities I needed to be affirming and validating of my own sexual identity. I needed to be able to say, "I am gay, if you don't like it, that is your choice" instead of "I know I like boys, I hope you will still love me."

Coming out is really really good for mental health. I spent many years accepting that my family was right. I married a woman, fathered a son, and hated myself for my desire for men. I spent several years hating them for this, and only recently became aware that truly my own acceptance of myself was what was actually the lack, the deficiency, the Achilles tendon that broke.

SO--Yes come out.

But--also see it for what it is, a SELF DISCOVERY and VALIDATION and ACCEPTANCE.

Grieve if you must for your denial, for the loss of assumptions about your future and inclusion into the fraternity of male heterosexuality, but do it only when you can get support, unconditional love, or privacy and validation. Make it stick. Think it through, I regretted for years that I shot from the hip.

Today I am exceedingly grateful that I got to defeat the internalized homophobia and self hate that kept me in chains for years. Today I am so very happy to be gay and will NEVER allow anyone to saddle me with shame or guilt about it.

I hope every gay person born finds this destination along the journey of self acceptance. Especially survivors of CSA who are particularly targeted as EX-Gay ministries try to tie in early abuse with later homosexual revelation.

Love
G

What a great topic 1life.

What I'll add from the perspective of observer is that in the course of my lifetime I've been lucky enough to have seen the whole issue turned on its ear. People like me were reviled, shunned and beaten by law enforcement in an era dominated by the likes of – heavens – J. Edgar Hoover. Today we serve openly and proudly in the U.S. military, give Americans their news, get married, have kids, etc.

Not to say we've arrived, as such. Like our personal journeys, it's a process.

I mourn and honor the likes of Matthew Shepard who have been forced to sacrifice their very lives for what they are. By comparison, those who choose to continue to hide today, imo and it may not be popular, are dishonoring the memory of those souls.

For that perspective, it explains why I'm sometimes impatient, even on these boards, with those who are scared to be exactly who they are. And, to be honest, I still enjoy a good laff when yet another homo-hating politician or pastor gets caught with his pants down.

I'm quite satisfied being exactly who I am. Damn, it's been good for me. Self-confidence hasn't come easily, but isn't it a nice turn to see others squirm because they're uncomfortable being around a "fag"? Says more about their issues than mine.

On the family front, I had to make some decisions. The adoptive mommybitch and third hubby were continually concerned about what their country club cadre would say "if they found out." And I was hit with phrases from her like, "How could you do this to ME!" As many of us have no doubt read at one time, I should have told them I had inoperable brain cancer and then said, "Just kidding. I'm gay." As I examined their reactions, it became clear these were self-absorbed, superficial people who would never get it. It started to explain the rest of the abuse, right up to essentially delivering me to my high school counselor sexual abuser. I walked away and have a life that hasn't involved dancing around their warped sense of ethics.

Short version, I jettisoned the unnecessary stress and, frankly, get some satisfaction that they've stewed in their own prejudices. I put the "problem" right back in their laps where it belongs.