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#423522 - 01/29/13 01:18 AM One step forward, two steps back...
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
The last few months of last year I felt like I made amazing progress in my recovery. I came closer than I've ever been to making peace with and accepting my self, and more importantly, my younger self. I took the risk of trusting my girlfriend - being completely vulnerable with her, even letting her see me highly triggered and dissociating. Knowing that she was able to handle that, even though it was hard for her, was simply beautiful. I even managed to go a full 2 weeks without any nightmares or flashbacks.

But now, all that wonderful progress, all of my new-found peace, has disappeared into the wind. I don't know what happened. The last 2-3 weeks have been a nightmare of triggers, triggers and more triggers. I don't even know what to write on here. I can't seem to take good advice any more. People tell me all kinds of wonderful things about myself but all it does is to make me feel like they don't get it, or that I must be really good at fooling them. Like my foster father - he had everyone convinced he was a wonderful person. Like my father - his sister still believes he was a great guy, whose only problem was that he sometimes drank a little too much.

People say I should lean on my girlfriend. Good advice, probably, since she's done so well supporting me in the past. But instead of following that advice, I go and pick a fight with her. I don't even remember about what. I don't supposed it mattered, or made any sense. Anything to drive her away from me. She was supposed to go to my T with me tomorrow, but now I don't know...

I don't even know what I want to say with this post. I feel like shit. I hate myself. It seems like I've been feeling this way for weeks. I don't even feel like I deserve to be on here, getting support from you guys any more... I don't know how much more I can stand...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#423523 - 01/29/13 02:13 AM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Gecko, good to see you sharing and posting about your struggles.
Please slow down a little bit and try to avoid unnecessary fights while you are feeling so vulnerable.
Could you do some exercises, running or something else that could help you to let out some of tension that has built?
And please take care to bring your girl friend with you to therapy, that is more than important in this moment.
It is difficult sometimes when we are going trouhg those set backs, but I guess it is part of our healing.
Hang on buddy!
I missed you these last couple of days and no matter on problems I'm glad that you are back with us here wink !

(((Gecko)))

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#423526 - 01/29/13 05:22 AM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
(((( Gecko ))))

Hang in there, buddy. It sounds like you're disconnected from your emotions, and I know all about that.

I don't have good advice for you, other than to breathe and try to feel what you are feeling.

You are lucky to have a girlfriend.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423701 - 01/30/13 02:35 AM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I am disconnected from my emotions. I feel disconnected from everything... I'm trying to feel what I'm feeling but I guess I'm scared to, because I'm not sure I can take it. Better this way than suicidal, I guess...

And in the interest of full disclosure, since I figured from the start that there is no point being on here if I'm going to keep on keeping secrets... I cut myself on Sunday night. Just a little bit. So there. Please don't bother to freak out. It's nothing new. It isn't deep and it'll heal quickly. Yes, I feel like shit for doing it, but that's nothing new either...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#423704 - 01/30/13 03:28 AM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm sorry that you did it, but it is not the end of the world.
Thank you for being so strong and honest to share with us your full fragility and weakness.
Could help you writing your journal capturing here and there some traces of those the worst emotions that you are scared off?

I must add that I'm still trying to find my way dealing with some strong negative and anxious feelings. It happened usually during the dawn, don't know why. I'm usually suddenly wake with some fears like something terrible will happen and it is like I can hear my heart beating. Any movement of my thought to some negative area makes it beats faster and I'm all ear pointed into that direction.
Unfortunately my coping mechanism is escaping to fantasy world trough porn and masturbation and I also felt like shit after I'm done.
Only couple of times I tried and found inner woice that was calming and supportive, telling me not to be scared not to be worried and that everything will be alright. It lasted very short and it was enough to make my fears disappear.
I'm still learning and trying to understand how to deal with it.

Keep sharing with us!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#423708 - 01/30/13 06:36 AM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
A thot CG. You've really been sticking your neck out with new behaviors, etc. Exhilerating, but possibly exhausting, too. So the safest place to go may feel like the familiar place, the old behaviors and thinking.

Perhaps you can just recognize it. But don't judge it.

I'm glad you titled this two steps forward, one step back. Sounds like you've recognized your progress and integrated it.

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#423740 - 01/30/13 12:43 PM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I was thinking the same kind of thing. When you move forward you are taking a risk. It's hard and it's scary. Retreating to a secure (familiar) position is not a surprise. We don't make only forward progress.

I made some progress on a significant issue last week. (don't have time to go into it, but trust issues) Been feeling good about it. Until today. Now I feel it was all a mistake and I shouldn't even think I should go there. Feel like crap because of it. I don't know how long before I get out of this but I hope it wont be to long. I know I was moving in the right direction, I just don't feel it now.

You are going to be OK. Just relax as much as you can and give it a bit of time.

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#423747 - 01/30/13 02:10 PM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Gecko,

I feel exactly the same way you do: disconnected from my emotions, trying to feel them, but afraid of them because it seems like it's too much, that I can't handle it. It's not suicidal, but one can see it from there.

I've been there many times; in fact, in the middle of one right now, although not in a bottom like you are now.

I understand the cutting. I have a suggestion: try wearing a rubber band around your wrist, and snapping it when you feel like you need to feel something. Nice and safe, and could do the trick. It has for me in the past.

Last week, I introduced us to Izzy, and he's the part of me that I'm afraid of feeling, that overwhelms me. But it's not his fault. I shouldn't be afraid of him, but he and I do not communicate well and he shows up at the wrong times and doesn't call in advance.

I only got empathy for you, Gecko, I don't have any advice on how to get through it, other than try the rubber bands.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423758 - 01/30/13 03:25 PM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 917
Loc: New York
CG,

I despise the "fortune cookie" approach to recovery issues but will break my own rule here:

Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

What you're doing is incredibly hard. Sometimes having it be your day-to-day life can make the toughness seem a bit more.... mundane? Like a chronic pain that acts up. Maybe it's chronic pain from, say, arthritis. You can live with it at some level, but know you deserve better. So - you get double hip replacements. That's a radical step to improve your life but it does change you in the process and even the beneficial elements can demand their own recovery time... which can sometimes amount to sitting still on your ass just as much as when you had the arthritic hips. It's a matter of lifting the ceiling of potential ability - not jumping up and hanging from it like an acrobat every day.

I hate to think of you hurt, even by your own hand. I honestly don't fear for your safety... you know better than that. I just feel like somebody ought to give you a (nonthreatening) man-hug and say "It's going to be less bad." Start with that, then move up to "okay."

You've survived so much and I KNOW you can survive this too.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#423831 - 01/31/13 03:18 AM Re: One step forward, two steps back... [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thank you so much, guys. It's such a relief to be able to come here and talk about these kinds of things.

Originally Posted By: Lancer
A thot CG. You've really been sticking your neck out with new behaviors, etc. Exhilerating, but possibly exhausting, too. So the safest place to go may feel like the familiar place, the old behaviors and thinking.

I think you are right. In fact, my T agrees with you to an extent. Everything that has happened... finding my younger self, finding out about my cousin, and then having my girlfriend coming with me to my T... all while being bombarded by triggers in the news and elsewhere, it was all too much.

My T helped me understand yesterday that bringing my girlfriend was huge. I underestimated it. I was trying to be superman again, not realising that I had invited her into my heart of the one place where I was completely and totally safe - my T's office. It's the one place that's all about me, my healing, and keeping me safe. And even though I didn't consciously understand the gravity of what was about to happen, my subconcious got it, and was doing everything in it's power to protect my safe haven, and indirectly, me. That is why I picked a fight with her. That's why I felt so disconnected from my emotions... The cutting... well, I think that was a combination of things, including possibly reverting to old behaviour in search of something familiar and therefore safe...

I feel better today. Still slightly fragile, but more present.

Originally Posted By: cant_remember
I understand the cutting. I have a suggestion: try wearing a rubber band around your wrist, and snapping it when you feel like you need to feel something. Nice and safe, and could do the trick. It has for me in the past.
It has worked for me in the past too. I habitually wore a rubber band on my wrist for years. Then, I switched to something more decorative. My latest version isn't really elastic anymore - I haven't needed it in a long time. But I'm back to wearing a rubber band. I don't care if people think I'm weird. I'm a geek. Geeks are allowed to wear stationary smirk It's better than scarring myself all over again. I don't want to do that...

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I hate to think of you hurt, even by your own hand. I honestly don't fear for your safety... you know better than that. I just feel like somebody ought to give you a (nonthreatening) man-hug and say "It's going to be less bad." Start with that, then move up to "okay."

Thanks Matt, yes, you don't have to worry. I'm safe. And thanks, yes. I can settle for "less bad". I'll work on Ok.

The good news is that even though I did my best to sabotage our relationship over the last week, my girlfriend still agreed to come with me yesterday. I think it helped her understand a lot of things much better. She asked a lot of questions and my T answered them, sometimes roping me into the conversation. We talked more last night, after my daughter went to bed. I think we just might be ok. smile
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
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