I dont know can't_remember, since I don't see it or haven't found it, maybe I don't recognize it. I'm just afraid of it as anger was always bad before. It is one of those things I don't understand, but I know I have a good T and I think the guy T she wants me to talk to will help too. I have to keep trying to move forward now that I've started and I will. Thanks for your support!

You are absolutely right about a few things:

1) the only way to move is forward once you've broken the seal on recovery, even when it's hard to do; 2) I think seeing a guy T will be good (for me it was the opposite, was easy to tell a man but tougher with a woman T, so we're all different)... and 3) not understanding your emotions is a common CSA survivor trait, and maybe one of the worst.

PM me if you need to, little brother. You know I'm here for you.

Thanks can't_remember, I appreciate it. I don't know why it feels like EVERYTHING has to be a challenge, difficult, etc. But that's life I guess and I choose life. I'll post how it's going in a few weeks unless something miraculous happens and I do believe in miracles from Him.

Finding anger and it bites big time. This can't be good. Have to keep moving forward anyway but I hate this part.

Push threw it Buff... I will go threw it with ya bro.. we cant walk the second mile until we walk the first

Ok, I will push through it and I am not giving up. Maybe once I find the source of it and let it go, that will give me new strength. My T says I have a right to be angry. I don't know how to be angry when I don't even know who they were except that there were at least 5 of them by the time I was 9 years old. So I'll trust my T to show me what I need to do. I trust her, my T, and the new guy she has me talking to even though I didn't want to talk to a guy. She says I need to so I can learn to trust males. I didn't know even that I don't trust males. So I'm learning new stuff I guess, and no way am I going to let this ruin my whole life by stopping even if this hurts a lot right now. Thanks for the support and prayers!

Hey man, kudos to you for feeling the pain and anger and pushing through. May I have the courage to do the same.

There will be an end to the number of steps it takes to get free, but how many I don't know. Now more memories are coming to the surface of what those 4 men in the car did to me when I was 8 or 9. Triggered. This week I saw Hot Wheels in the toy store and their tracks, reminding me those tracks were used to hit me. Triggered. I hate triggers, but I think that only by facing them can I be free of them. I don't know how to deal with them but my T. will. When I learn how to face them down they won't make me cry anymore. I am so tired of crying too, but it will also end someday. I will not let this ruin Christmas for me, never never again!

Sorry to say, December was pretty bad but I'm sticking with my goal above. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my Christmas next year, or any year after that ever again. I am finally going to start working with my new T next week on learning how to stomp out triggers and memories, so they no longer mean anything to me. He says we can get to a point where they no longer make me cry or hurt inside, and I believe him. We have to believe in someone to get through it I think. After that will work on trust, then all the fractal parts of me inside. I don't know how many steps are left, but one step down is one behind.

Keep doing the work BuffCo, you will get there. There's a life as a whole healthy man waiting for you on the other side.

Jude