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#423600 - 01/29/13 01:02 PM Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
If any of you are not in the mood for whining then you are advised to turn back now.

I feel so depressed and cheated out of my teen years. Sure I had been isolated before but I moved to a small school and I was making friends and I thought a turn around was in the cards. When the abuse started happening I pushed my friends away and have been alone ever since. I feel so cheated. I feel like I had a somewhat normal life ahead, sure I wouldn't have been the captain of the football team or prom king but I think I would have had friends and maybe a girlfriend or 2. My abuse happened when I was 13 (I was left back so I was in 7th grade though) . Everytime I see kids of that age I feel so bad I want to cry. I sometimes see teens names on the ER patient list of the hospital I work at. Its so depressing. A few nights ago I saw a boy named Brandon (13) on the list. I also happened to be filling the drug dispenser when he was just getting ready to leave. Dispute his arm in a sling he seemed happy and well adjusted. Oh Brandon please please enjoy your childhood when it's gone it's gone.

Well I'm going to sleep off my depression a bit. Thanks for listening
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#423628 - 01/29/13 06:01 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Thank you, thank you for the post. Early/mid teens for my CSA after years of physical, verbal, emotional abuse on the home front. I know EXACTLY the feelings you're describing.

These people really fucked me up. As I've examined my high school years - as I've been able to digest it - I've realized the depth of it. Socially - as an adolescent - I can understand and accept it. Acedemically, however, it was a mess.

I couldn't concentrate in class. I would fall asleep (all the way into college). Stuff like math and science which I'd been able to "get" just became gibberish. I feel like I lost so damn much...and never really recovered. College degree eluded me, though I did well with technical schools and training that was narrowly focused on my interests. I feel like I had the ability to do more and got shortchanged.

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#423631 - 01/29/13 06:23 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
Marc1267 Offline


Registered: 01/27/13
Posts: 10
It hit home with me as far as the teen years, what I would give to have them back in a normal way. I too now having a teenage am proud that he has not had to endure what I did (nor does he know) but he seems to fit in well with friends at school, has a decent social life, is kind and considerate of others. I also am drawn to reading stories of abuse and I really end up torturing myself and beat myself up that I could have done something different as I read stories and so many sound familiar and in some way it gives me a temp feeling that I know i couldnt have really done anything and all these boys and girls being abused probably feel the same way.

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#423640 - 01/29/13 07:26 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
Measure by measure or in one swipe CSA took the innocence from us. In some cases, we buy it back with interest until the mortgagee is satisfied. You have every right to feel sad and angry. I was also 13 when it happened. To the outside world, I was a motivated athlete and scholar. On the inside, I was an angry mess just trying to leave IT in the past. It was a nice disguise, but one that did me a disservice because it hid the truth that much deeper. You see, I paid a price of being so driven doing things instead of building relationships.

I felt like "Simon" in Lord of the Flies. I had info and insight and no one to share it with for fear of becoming the sow where others were "...heavy and fulfilled upon her" while the butterflies still danced...

The teenage years are ephemeral in the best of circumstances, and I suspect my own sepia-toned recollections upon closer look are more imperfect than I like to admit. I recently shared an old picture of myself via PM. It was taken less than a week after my CSA. You can see the despair in my face...and though I thought I was a man---I really was just a scared kid.

To make it up to myself, I've recently resolved to try my best to console that little kid and live life well for his sake. My current self depends on it. I know I fall short, and that is when you hear from me on MS. Nostalgia is a powerful force---entire wars are fought over the perceived past---either internally or externally, as individuals and as nations. Fight that battle, but don't become a casualty. The present and future are still yours to shape.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#423654 - 01/29/13 09:52 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
I also felt like I had lost something. But I think we tend to view those "normal" childhood times as a golden thing mostly because we had bad ones. Childhood is a state of confusion and hard adjustment at the best of times. It's also a time when no one has control over their lives, so everyone struggles to make do, no matter what their circumstances. We had some serious stuff to deal with that others didn't, but their road was only differently hard, differently complex.

So now I think we didn't lose anything, we just had a particular childhood filled with particular fears and angst. No one stole our childhood, they just gave us something tough to deal with.

And now, as adults who survived that tough time, we, like the other adults, get to have some control over our experiences.

We're no longer trapped by the weakness of a child's vulnerable position relative to the world, so we can open the door and safely live our lives. Now we get to choose the people we know, we can protect ourselves and open ourselves as we see fit.

It's good to grow up.

It's good to be an adult.

It's good to let the childhood fade away into long ago memories, neither regretted nor treasured, just past.

For a while I thought about my inner child and tried to connect to him. In doing so I found I didn't need to look very far. He's me.

Past and present and future, we're still ourselves.

And we get this wonderful life to live, and these fascinating problems to manage, and all the complexity of it is so rich and full of the depth of human experience.

It's neither bad nor good to have had pain, it's just more experience to add to the spectrum.

Every state of mind is like a ride at an amusement park, interesting, wild and incredible, varied, dark and light...and shared by countless millions of others, just like all of us and all the "normals," through all the years of our collective time on the planet.

We're not ever alone in our pain or our joy because endless millions have felt the same pains and joys.

To me, opening on this shared experience, feeling that sharing when I feel my own pain or joy, makes the whole thing so full. It's not that it's necessarily good or bad, it's just so real, like the wind or the rain.

I hope this is helpful,

Danny


Edited by DannyT (01/29/13 10:06 PM)

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#423659 - 01/29/13 10:28 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
I feel the same way. My last period of CSA was in 3rd grade (though emotional and sometimes physical abuse lasted through high school). The effects were opposite from some people: academically, I was fine. Everyone thought I was a perfect goody goody. No one saw that what I was doing was hiding from myself, working myself to death, trying to atone for my sense of shame and worthlessness. When it wasn't school work, it was volunteering or taking care of other people at the expense of taking care of myself. They all thought I was some super-religious nerd, when all I was trying to do was overcome what I thought of as the sin inside me. A lot of people feel for the "trouble-makers" and "underachievers" and I really do think that is so important, but I look at the kids who are desperately over-achieving and "helpful" and wonder what it is that they are trying to run away from. I love it when I see an adolescent taking time to just explore their own unique so-called "selfish" interest and dreams, because neither I nor my parents believed that I was worthy of that.
_________________________


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#423677 - 01/30/13 12:37 AM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
I can relate a bit to what you mean. Throughout high school and college, I had a difficult time making good friends with other males. I feel like I really missed out on a lot of regular male bonding type stuff that "regular" guys experience in those years. I feel a bit cheated as well. I think about it often, but try not to dwell on it too much.

Sometimes I guess I hope I can get some of that back and make up for it now, but a bit too old to being young stupid activities.

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#423698 - 01/30/13 01:41 AM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
These memories are bad. The pain is real. The shame unbearable. I personally lost a great deal. I lost brothers, I lost trust, I lost innocence. I was four- The other kids watched me being led into the building and never told. No one helped me. But they knew I was damaged from that day forward. They knew. Over and over and over. Little kids are not supposed to jo grown men. Young adolescent boys are not supposed to learn sex by giving a bj... I attended no dances, kissed no girls, took no long walks with a special girl. No, what I did was learn to disassociate from the reality of my world. My world became silence and shame and aloneness. Until I was 17. And then it just became a heavy burden.

So like Only, I had no childhood, no teenage years. Just years of perfecting my disassociation skills. And it made me very sad. But I had it under control. Had placed it as a part of "just a different" growing up, as you say. But life became good. My kids grew. I grew. So proud, so very proud. And I turned 50. And had the surgery. And was awakened that very day to the "terrible ugly"... and now the 13 yrs of child sexual assault are again as new today as the oral rape of middle age and I am beyond sad as to what has been taken from me again. And I can't possibly get it back at this age. Do I dare dance or hold another's hand or steal a kiss. I think not. I find myself alone in the real world again, silent and shamed. And I can't disassociate from- wish I could...My heart is broken and I have yet to fix it. ...at any age, sexual assault steals away the very soul of its victim. And it's a long, long journey to reclaim it. It all just makes me very very sad.

Guess I now know what is meant by trigger. Sorry if I offended. Still learning.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#423702 - 01/30/13 02:49 AM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: Jacob S]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
The effects were opposite from some people: academically, I was fine. Everyone thought I was a perfect goody goody. No one saw that what I was doing was hiding from myself, working myself to death, trying to atone for my sense of shame and worthlessness. When it wasn't school work, it was volunteering or taking care of other people at the expense of taking care of myself. They all thought I was some super-religious nerd, when all I was trying to do was overcome what I thought of as the sin inside me.

You describe my brother... he was the straight-A's, teacher's pet, always volunteering for everything kid. I was the juvenile delinquent. We went through the same shit.

And then there was the day I had to talk him out of committing suicide. We were 18. He would have been the kid about who everyone would have said "He was suck a good kid, so smart, he has such a bright future ahead. How could he do that?". Everyone knew I was fucked up - it was easy to see, but no one suspected that he had been through hell and back, too...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#423717 - 01/30/13 08:56 AM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
SkyLukewalker Offline


Registered: 08/12/12
Posts: 31
Loc: West Coast, US
I'm still working through this, too. I can say that I've learned that the 'narrative' (if that's the right word) of childhood was taken away from me and I'm walking through life feeling like "if I could go back and do it right ... everything will be different." Maybe, I'm right but we both know that going back is impossible.

Cormac McCarthy said something somewhat profound in the book version of No Country for Old Men: “All the time you spend tryin to get back what's been took from you there's more goin out the door. After a while you just try and get a tourniquet on it.”

I don't have a solution myself to the problem - I'd love to have one myself - I just know that there's a limit to what I can do about it. As much as it hurts, I force myself to change the subject and do the best I can, with what I have, today.


Edited by SkyLukewalker (01/30/13 08:56 AM)

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#423793 - 01/30/13 07:21 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046

Doing the best we can, with what we have, today.

Sky, that is very well put, and should be our motto.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423894 - 01/31/13 05:17 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: DannyT]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: DannyT
I also felt like I had lost something. But I think we tend to view those "normal" childhood times as a golden thing mostly because we had bad ones. Childhood is a state of confusion and hard adjustment at the best of times. It's also a time when no one has control over their lives, so everyone struggles to make do, no matter what their circumstances. We had some serious stuff to deal with that others didn't, but their road was only differently hard, differently complex.


While it is true that we may have not experienced some the problems associated with being a "normal" teen, we also did not receive the good things that came with those problems. For me, isolation was the order of the day along with social phobias that the normals didn't have. What did I miss out on, friends, girlfriends (I know of atleast 1 definite person who I turned away and probably 2 there would have been more perhaps if I was social and took care of myself). Teen years and even earlier childhood isn't euphoria in a bottle but I think my life would be better now if I had the "Normal" experience.

It is correct to say that we can't do anything about it, unfortunately forgetting about what we lost is easier said than done. I guess it is a little harder for me since I'm still in isolation and there for don't have any social life or even a job I really enjoy or feel like I even am good at.

I am actually still trapped because I cannot afford to live on my own and therefore still live at home at 34. I hope that my new T can help me move past this so I'm not as affected by this.

Jason
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#423895 - 01/31/13 05:27 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Jason,

I lived with my parents from 2009 until a few months ago, and I just turned 36. It felt like a never-ending cycle of reliving my teenage years having to come home to my parents every night. While I am appreciative of my parents letting me stay with them, it was also bad for my development and recovery.

Now, I'm on my own, and making rent (barely), as of November... I still don't really have the sort of job or income that I need to get by on, but I'm doing OK considering.

I just wanted to share that I understand the living with parents in your 30's, and there is hope of getting your feet under you and getting out... although it is tough.

Another thing that I've thought about is SSI - or disability. While part of me is too proud to consider it, another part of me thinks if some of these jokers who get on SSI are eligible with their invented back problems, then I should be eligible for not being able to hold down a job because of my CSA trauma.

Your T can help sort out the feelings and past, but it's going to be up to you to find a way out of your parents' house. I just did it, and you can too.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423910 - 01/31/13 07:29 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: cant_remember]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
I have been getting really depressed that I will soon be in the situation of living with my parents again. I have been out of for a bit, and depleted all my savings while trying to find a new one.

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#423914 - 01/31/13 07:49 PM Re: Sad/Depressed over the loss of my teen years [Re: onlyakid]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Jason.

Looking at this from another angle, I personally find your good wishes towards brandon quite profound. myself, while I wouldn't personally wish ill on any teenager at all, I still feel a great amount of jealousy and anger, especially towards teenaged girls, since god I wish that spots and dates and who liked whome was all I! had had to worry about as a teenager.

Personally, i hated the teenagers I met, since everyone I came into contact with until I was 16 was either an abuser, a bully, a name caller, or someone who stood by and watched while such things were done to me, I longed to be older since it seemed everyone I knew was either stupid, or cruel or indifferent, indeed at 12 even before the serious s/xual abuse started I was still longing for my child hood three years before.
One thing I'm realizing at the moment however is that "teenaged experience" is just a sterriotypical mess. if I kissed a girl now, it'd be just as profound for me as it would be at the age of 15, sinse it would still be my first kiss. If I go out with friends, well enjoying myself isn't something that is age dependent. To take something less problematic, while I always did well academically, I know! I could've done far better had I not been an emotional wreck with a shaky grasp on reality, ---- well hay, I can academically achieve now!

So, if you forget the sterriotypical stuff, like going to a prom or playing for the sports team or whatever, then all the experiences that make being a teenager special are pretty much the same ones you can have now anyway, buying clothes you like, being concerned over your appearence, heck even getting a little tipsy with friends. It's just your old enough to enjoy it!

This is pretty much the same thing I'd say about child hood experiences, because dam it I still! like! watching he man, indeed for my last birthday my mum bought me the entire original dungeons and dragons cartoon series on dvd and it was awsome!

This goes further, I'm going to watch a play of rohald dalh's james and the giant peach in march and dam well intend to enjoy it!

so, while there are somee things that abuse spoils, (for me, genophobia has completely destroyed any and all chances of a relationship), i've personally found myself that it's better to try and look for the good experiences and enjoy them, whatever! age group stupid society says they should belong to.

Btw, unless there is some sort of reason connected with abuse, I never really understand people's shame about living with their parents. My brother, who is 33 and a highly qualified solicitor who deals with judges, goes to crown court and more than that is a very exacting person! did that very thing, simply because property prices in britain are insane! indeed, had my dad's godmother not died in late 2011 and left her bungalow, he probably would still be doing that now, ---- heck, if the counsel hadn't given me a flat i'd likely be doing as much myself, and indeed at the moment I'm living with my parents pretty much half the time since I am having singing lessons and am in a production where they are in Nottingham, and my flat is 100 miles further north.

I do wonder myself if the shame at "living with parents" is an expression of more general shame, or indeed if it's just a picked up unfair comparison from society, ---- heck after all for hundreds of years when a family owned just the one house on a peace of land which parents left to their children it would be considdered quite the norm.

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