I am a certified, trained art teacher and the opportunity was presented to help others through a community outreach program as a volunteer. My T was thrilled, and I have no hesitations. Excited. I would/will do art lessons at Solomon House 1- 2 x's a month. Attended the training Wednesday night. Was really cool.
But the deal is this. I experienced the CSA for a min of 13 yrs. Kinda betrayed- yes? And happily married; then widowed- death sort of betrayed me - yes? Then ... a special male friend did the ASA thing-unforgivingly betrayed- yes? (ASA keeps me from having to say rape!)
All of the attendees at the volunteer training- AVO...Aids Volunteers of "mid-size city"-.... were of the larger community (me) or required by their college to take part. (I live in a small suburban town nearby). It was stressed that everything was to be confidential- everything. From the recipients of the program to the volunteers and their participation. It's not a big thing, but it is a big thing.
Within four days, I was walking through the local grocery store in the small town and some one let me know that they knew I was at the training. The pissy thing is, this person didn't even mention the name of the program or the people who might benefit. Didn't ask my part or what I had to offer. They just wanted me to know that they knew. Talk about taboo and impending small town gossip. Just said so and so said they saw you Wed night.
It doesn't matter if I am straight, bi, or gay. (If I ever decide I'll let someone know). What matters is that confidentiality was broken- once again, betrayed-yes?
I'm not concerned about others speculations about me. They've done that since my spouse died. I am just a little ticked that I can't even do good for the greater community with any sense of trust. What was to be confidential became open conversation within four days.
Do you think maybe its because I have started to find some sense of "whatever" through therapy with the SAs that all of this is just kinda raw on the emotions? And that trust is at the top of the list of what I seek to learn? Since I'm pretty practical and non-drama, I don't think thats it... but you never know.
"...and in the distance, I saw that which had brought me here."