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#423482 - 01/28/13 05:45 PM Alternate marriage arrangments
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
I am perplexed. Year one, i gave my husband open ended recommendations for healing our marriage. Work on yourself. Get well. That wasn't working and after conferring with academic experts and in the trenches experts (fellow MS wives) I decided out of fairness to my husband to let him know that working on it means a minimum of:
2 therapy sessions a week (for CSA primarily)
1 book a month (victims no longer, shadow of the net, SAM model, etc.)
weekly meetings with an accountability partner

This is the first month and there is nada. He waited until last week to try to schedule therapy for this month and his therapist is not available.

The book is highly triggering for him. I asked him to stop reading it because he has no developed coping mechanism for dealing with triggers and no support mechanism. Which brings us to point three, he says the guy he asked to be his accountability partner felt uncomfortable because they couldn't meet in person--he lives 2.5 hours away.

I am fully prepared to act on divorcing this man, but not because I want to. I want him to get help. I wish I could tell you that life with him is living hell, but it isn't. He is as kind and gentle as he ever was. I assume he is lying only because I now know that is his MO, not because I can tell he is lying or I catch him in lies. My life would be easier if I were divorced. Trust me, I've worked it out in my mind and it would be MUCH easier.

I just don't want to wait around for our lives to explode again, which I believe is inevitable if he doesn't get help. What are my options? Divorce or suck it up and live with a sick person who refuses to see a doctor? Please advise.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#423486 - 01/28/13 06:47 PM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: GoodHope]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Hi GoodHope:
I think two sessions a week is a bit much. Unless a person is in real crisis, having more than one a week (or every other week to help process the therapy) would generally be counterproductive. Even my book (which I believe has really good info) is often too painful for survivors to read in the course of a month.

Maybe negotiating the "requests" or "demands" is something you can do before getting unhitched. Divorce should be the last option imho.

Ken

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#423490 - 01/28/13 07:09 PM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: GoodHope]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hey GoodHope. How about half of your requirements and the other half that you both have to go out and have a good time together? Go out on dates with the sole purpose of having fun.

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#423502 - 01/28/13 10:02 PM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: GoodHope]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
GoodHope,
When my H started therapy, I thought for sure 2 sessions per week would be needed. His therapist told him that was for extreme situations. 1 per week works well for my H because it gives him time to process and think between sessions. The book thing has been difficult for him because as you mentioned it is very triggering. His therapist says that before he can do things like immersion therapy or even getting into the books, he needs to be able to create a place to put all these horrible thoughts and feelings he will encounter. So my advice would be to do one thing at a time. Maybe just one session per week. Just my opinion.

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#423507 - 01/28/13 10:20 PM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
Sorry y'all! Should have said 2x month (we can't afford twice a week!) he told his therapist of my "demands" and she thought they were reasonable. I don't want a divorce. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like my options are live with it or leave it. I'm hoping I'm being narrow minded and there is an option I'm overlooking. I do hate being beholden to someone who makes poor decisions but that is the risk you take when you marry, right? Our finances are in shambles, my trust in him, shambles from the sexual infidelity, the financial decisions he is making now (now that I know of the hundreds of thousands he did in secret) coupled with NOT getting help are making it harder for me to justify it in my mind. I could be deluding myself but I think if he were busting his ass on US, I'd have an easier time getting past the other stuff, but right now, I've got nothing to hold on to.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#423510 - 01/28/13 10:24 PM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: RachelMac]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: RachelMac
GoodHope,
The book thing has been difficult for him because as you mentioned it is very triggering.

The book thing was very hard on me. I must have read more than a dozen books. I would read until I was crying and then I would put it aside until I had enough strength to continue. One particular book I remenber. After a few days I got back to it. I was feeling good and I wanted to continue. So taking it from where I left off. The next sentence went something like this. "If a parent(s) told you that thier child bad been sexually abused, what would you tell them."

That just killed me. I was sobbing for over an hour. I thought I would get a lot further than one sentence. It took a few days to get up the nerve to continue. (That was a very difficult period I was going through.)

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#423529 - 01/29/13 06:35 AM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: Candu]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 342
Quote:
Go out on dates with the sole purpose of having fun.


That is good advice. Get back to the beginning. We did that. It didn't always work but it does work and brings you back around to each other.

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#424102 - 02/02/13 09:09 PM Re: Alternate marriage arrangments [Re: GoodHope]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
The going out and having fun is great advice, in my opinion. When all is dark (and I mean VERY DARK) i think it is good to have an outlet. We have to remember there is more to our lives than being the wife of a sex addict, survivor, liar etc etc etc.

It is also good to reconnect and remember what brought you two together in the first place.

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