I was another molested by a camp counselor, I think I was 14. No violence, no ultimadems, I was tactfully led to the slaughter by a sistimatic plan of deceit and emotional manipulation over a period of several weeks. One compromise lead to the next. He realy made it look like it was my choice. But all my mind could do was split off and leave my body to be used and for what was probably an hour and a half - two hours. It seamed like days. I was toyed with like a well fed cat playes with a mouse never intending to fully kill the body. He would work to bring me out of a dissociative state long enught to instill the next level of compliance. That must have happened 4 or 5 times. We keeped going to new locations. I am missing compleat sections of time moving from one location to the next. I felt like I had no choise but to just keep going along. I knew if I didn't he would turn on me emotionally as he had several times in the set up process. As soon as he lost intrest that is exactly what he did. I had wronged him. I was a fractured mess, sexually used and ruined and I had wronged him. I just wanted to die.

There are reasons that I was vonrable. There are things I have believed about myself because of the abuse. There are ways I have harmed myself in trying to make sence of the abuse. There are times that I have felt like I don't belong on MS. I don't know if I have the capasity to realy belong to any thing. But I was abused and I need to come to a full understanding about what that means.


Oh, so I have EMDR tomorrow and want to vomit. I get close to the memories and think about being in the same room with another human bean and I just want to die all over again. The shame is keeping me from moving forward. This is not real. This shame is not real it is from him. And the world that supports the lie. I am not part of that world, I turn my back on it. I am going to tell my story tomorrow the best I can. To hell with target memory's I have a bucket full, pick one

Just venting

hey, Smart -

you can do this. i thought i'd rather die than tell anyone. when i told my story to my T - he actually had tears in his eyes. that was very healing for me. not saying you have to have that to feel affirmed - but being heard and believed and understood and affirmed is SO POSITIVE. it is worth taking the chance. i'd do it over again in a heartbeat.

Lee

Hay Lee,

This is the missing steep. I was feeling it I guess.
I was pushing to move ahead full speed. Just my default.
But this will be, like you said healing I think. It will at least help me going forward.
I think I would be distracted wondering what my T's reaction would be as more and more information comes out along the way. If I can get the main pices out then it will be easer for me to trust the process.

Thanks

I think I have changed my mind.
I was having a hard time sleaping so i decided to get on with my day. I am just going stick with the original plan and skip the finer details of my story, I think I was ably to put a good outline on the table last week. I don't think empathy is a need that will be met with my curent T. But who knows. I think he is highly perceptive and can walk me through the EMDR I want and can help with the DID stuff so that's the work I am doing. I will come up with the target memories and move forward as planed. My story will have its day I am sure. I resist the urge to control the process. Five target memories a place to start that's all it is. It's strange how I can go from emotional overload to an mind set of no big about the same thing a few hours later. I supose it's the difference between being attached and being detached from my feelings. I do this detachment thing with people as well but I am getting better.
I am ready willing and able.

Hey brother

You are learning to take care of yourself

You are getting help to work through tough tough stuff.

Proceed at YOUR pace and step by step you will get stronger and more healed.

I know it seems scary and weird- but even as you post I can sense you are making progress..

Thank you brothers for your support.
My T session went realy well. We did not do any successful EMDR. Tryed a bit but I could not hold any image, for any time during the EMDR. Just blanked out.
But the good part was I got the worse part of my story out and my fears were not valid in the least. I will be able for the first time in my life be able to be compleatly honest and open with a T. This is a real weight off of me. I supose my shame has no power to keep me from moving forward now. It was a good day!

That is excellent news, SmartShadow. I can't always to EMDR either... but that's ok. It sounds like you've accomplished something really significant anyway. Being able to be completely open and honest with a T is absolutely essential...

Beating the shame, overcoming that wall is such an important step.

Bravo.

Cant

Stay strong, Smartshadow. I, too, was manipulated and abused by a person who said I wanted what happened. For almost three decades, I couldn't even wrap my mind around what happened. I lived a functionally dysfunctional life, always in pain, always in shame. You're not alone, as horrible and unique as your experiences were, so many of us here share similar feelings and similar experiences. What happened to you was a crime. It's not your fault. It never was. And you survived, brother. And I am so glad you did. Sometimes I think of my own shame as just a shadow cast on me by a cloud. It comes over me, it hurts, but then thank God it passes, if I'm patient, if I just duck my head for a moment and wait. I'm not sure, but I bet in some roundabout way that shame helped you survive. It helped me. I think it kept me from utter despair. If things were my fault, I thought, than I could fix them. But, for me, the shame isn't any good any longer. Now it's part of the problem. Keep seeking peace. Do things that you enjoy. Focus on the simple pleasures of life as much as you can. I feel for you.

Bob