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#423413 - 01/27/13 10:49 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 738
Loc: Southeast USA
I'm afraid I don't have much insight as a spouse would...but I still want to take this opportunity to say how I'm sorry about her reaction to your pain. I hold out hope that this a roadblock that you both can get around quickly.

Perhaps she is suffering a bit from postpartum depression amplified by Sandy and your realization of the CSA? She may feel left out and detached from your struggle and exacerbates it by lashing out...which creates a vicious cycle. She may feel her own problems are second string compared to having young kids to care for...and a husband who needs additional consideration---right or not...

Obviously, I'm stumbling around in the dark for an answer, but by all means continue to see your T. You may need an MS holiday and some time away together sans kids to reconnect and talk about the news of the day...whatever you both want that to be.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#423444 - 01/28/13 09:18 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Her: "Okay, I get the point that some events are more gross and shocking than others. I just don't see how you can't turn it off. You aren't a kid anymore. It's over. I don't get why it still seems so everyday to you."


This is one of the parts that she doesn't get. You are a kid. A part of you has been split off and stored somewhere else in your brain. The trama was pushed there outside of the normal memory structure in order to protect you because you couldn't deal with it at the time. You didn't have the capacity. You were not able to deal with it as an adult as you wife thinks you should be able to.

So she wants you to be an adult about this? The following has been posted here in F&F and I have made reference to it before. A letter to secondary survivors

Have her read that and ask her if she can get that. And then explain that that was the adult reaction. Not a child's. A child can't deal with it. An adult barely can. You had to lock this away in order to survive. It didn't go away and it still needed to be dealt with. And it's not like you have a choice in dealing with it or forgetting it. If it were only that easy.

Sorry Matt. I've said it before that she just doesn't get it. And it sounds like she doesn't want to either.

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#423446 - 01/28/13 09:40 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
You may need an MS holiday and some time away together sans kids to reconnect and talk about the news of the day...whatever you both want that to be.

Will

At some point that might be the best thing. But you have to see where you are right now, where you need to go, and the steps you need to take to get there. While we would like to get this all over with as soon as possible that is rarely the case. And a holiday is often required be it work or other long term stresses.

I had to take a break from all this for a while. Before I came to MS.

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#423477 - 01/28/13 05:07 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 350
Candu nailed it Soccerstar. She doesn't understand the part about you still being a child regarding the CSA.

I didn't understand that initially either that is why that part stuck out for me.

I remember my husband saying "You can't tell. You can't tell!" The night he disclosed to me and I was saying "What the f*ck are you talking about!!?? I'm 35 years old, I'll talk about whatever the f*ck I want!!" .....we were NOT on the same page.

You have to work on it to become an adult dealing with it. I didn't understand that back then either.

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#423478 - 01/28/13 05:22 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: sugarbaby]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: sugarbaby

I remember my husband saying "You can't tell. You can't tell!" The night he disclosed to me and I was saying "What the f*ck are you talking about!!?? I'm 35 years old, I'll talk about whatever the f*ck I want!!" .....we were NOT on the same page.


Oh my God, yes. The night my wife found out, once I'd overcome the shock enough to actually speak to her and babble out the basic outline of the story, I had the most... unprecedented icicle fear inside me and I grabbed her shoulders and repeated "You-can-never-tell-anybody, you-can-never-tell-anybody, you-can-never-tell-anybody!" like six or seven times. Not 100% sure where it came from but it's rather embarrassing. And probably led to some confusion / resentment on her part when I then told my parents and my online friends. I did let her tell her parents though.
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#423481 - 01/28/13 05:35 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I wish I understood your wife. I don't. I can't even see where she is coming from. I KNEW this was big trauma, probably moreso than my husband did. Don't laugh, but Oprah shows alone should tip any regular person off that is somethign you don't exactly just "get over." Are you entirely sure you aren't potentially unearthing some hidden sexual trauma for her that if she helps you face yours, she'll be forced to deal with her own? I hate that she is being so unreasonable because I'm not optimistic that she will be invested in reading up on this so she can understand at the VERY LEAST that there is no switch you flip and just get over it. I'd love it if she would read up on the science of it all, the elevated cortisol levels fed by the hyper-vigilance of a child under siege. If your depiction here is accurate, you ARE on your own (at least for a while). I am so sorry about that. So very sorry. But you know that, and your responsbility is to heal whether your partner helps you or not. You owe it to yourself. So surround yourself with people and situations that are conducive to that. Group sessions, therapy, books, whatever. Heal at all costs. Grab hold to wholeness and do not let go. Fight for it with ever fiber of your being.
_________________________
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#423489 - 01/28/13 07:03 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Matt. I really didn't get the child part. Oh sure I read about it. I see it talked about on the forums, here and another rape/CSA support site (mainly women) I belong to. And then under stress at work (all of this got triggered by my work situation) when I was trying to explain/defend myself I completely froze. And I was the cowering child that couldn't defend myself. I couldn't clear up the misconceptions. I agreed to whatever was said. I get it now. Just barely though as I have rarely seen that piece of me.

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#423506 - 01/28/13 10:12 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
RachelMac Offline


Registered: 08/26/12
Posts: 58
SoccerStar,
I am the wife of a survivor and although I am not very familiar with your situation, I have found that educating myself has been one of the top things that helped me understand a bit more and as a result I began to handle my husband differently. I too didn't understand why he can't just "get over" this. I had to learn how serious PTSD is. I had to learn about the brain's response to trauma etc. and that it is in fact a (mental) health problem. They're not just some bad memories. His brain literally won't let him let go of this. Then I decided that I said "for sickness and health" after reading some posts on here. My husband doesn't have cancer, but PTSD is also a sickness. It is all very difficult for both parties but educating myself was something that made me change my tune with him.

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#423528 - 01/29/13 06:32 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: RachelMac]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 350
Quote:
Not 100% sure where it came from but it's rather embarrassing


Don't be embarrassed. That is who you were with it at that time.

I made every mistake I could dealing with my H and it is who I was. I know better now but that took some exploring and learning.

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#423642 - 01/29/13 08:02 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
You are never on your own. From the sounds of it, you have many other people around you that support you as well, and of course you can always reach out to folks you met on here if you need it.

Sorry to hear about your fight...you are never alone.

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