For me the fear of vulnerability I felt from my CSA sent me into a lifetime of isolating myself. Today it takes the form of fear of intimacy. "Exposure Therapy" involves exposing yourself to the fear-inducing situation in gradually increasing doses. The idea being that with that exposure your brain begins to accommodate the anxiety and allow you to process it without isolating or dealing in some other unhealthy way.

And yes, when I've had (once) close relationships with other men, they've became sexualized and were ruined. So I tend to avoid those kind of relationships.

Jude

Sky,

This has been a nuclear-size issue for me my entire life. Its emerging to you now with reality-stress attached. Certain realities are very very....well...."real." Job and income when you have a lot more road in your rear-view mirror than in your windshield is one thing, but in today's merciless business ethos and economy, SO SO much is always dangling by a thread. But you already know this.

My guess is that you have always dealt with vulnerability in your own ways. See if any of these sound familiar to you:

1) You always take the "gun-fighter's seat" in any public setting (bar, restraunt, banquet hall).
2) You ALWAYS know where the exits are and identify what could get in your way in a dash for an exit.
3) You keep more food in your abode than you would need for several months.
4) You are always aware of your surroundings...its a deliberate effort too. it comes naturally, but you do make conscious efforts to "see what's not right."
5) You run scenarios of defense through your head: How would I take this guy out of the picture if he attacks. What do I have going for my advantage?
6) You don't let the fuel in your car get low at all.
7) You monitor and control what you divulge to even your closest friends (other than CSA stuff).
8) At work, you nearly always have your eye on the life-raft and keep it in site at all times.
9) You can't believe, nor understand "who those people can live that way."

Anyway: those are samples of in-vulnerability attributes I've found with many survivors and myself.

My wife use to ask "why do you need this much _______ ." "Because I never want to have to stand in line or need it and not have it."

Half of them do ...

Again - all good points - just trying to figure out what I should *do* about it. Can't be Clint Eastwood, can't be George Costanza either.

Well, can we look at "Vulnerability & Risk" as one end of a continuum? "Mis-Trust & Safety" holding the oposite end?

I've wandered down to the Vulnerability side when I'm talked into trusting. Each resulting disaster gets worse and worse.

That's interesting - can you give me an example?

Bait: "Oh Rob! Just tell us what's wrong! What's eating you? Why are you all fkd-up? five therapists and 3 pastors and some of your lose talk all say you were sexually abused as a kid. Just admit it so we can move-on in life and fix things"

Dumb Trusting Rob: Yup. Yer right. It was older boys and it completely scrambled my brains and soul. It went on for....yeah....older boys.....it went on for.....yeah.....sexual abuse.......no i don't know if they were gay. my ass still got reamed regularly though.

"Yeah..went on for seven years. Yes...seven years. I couldn't tell..cuzz I couldn't. No....it did not make me gay, cept as a kid, i had more gay sex than Liberace."

Bait: "Why do't you keep a journal" say the wife and Ts.
Dumb Rob: OK....but I don't believe in it, but i guess i can trust that you won't read it.

They didn't READ it. They STOLE it and got it admitted into divorce court. Then it was read to the world, reproduced etc. It would never have been allowed in criminal cases...but family court...if they say you were fkd as a kid....yer automatically a default sub-human.

I opened-up to one T that told Lorie EVERYTHING.

Ya see; My nuclear proof intuition was strong enough to get me through sexual and physical/psychotic abuse through all of childhood. My intution said "NEVER tell anyone anything that can be used against you no matter what!!!"

So I fkd up! I trusted them. And every little atom and sub-atomic particle of my trust was stuck into a breeder reactor and was used to nuke my arse back into the gutter.

When the sheriffs rousted me out of my own shower, I should have lunged and let the cards fall where they may.

New MBA of Marketing-created slogan: TRUST....its whats for your last dinner!

Trusting Rob's Disclaimer:

Satanically vicious divorce attorneys are fond of accusing the father of children of CSA. Now....when said father was a vctim of horrid abuse as described in the most "bizzare thing this judge has ever read (my journal)," the opposing atty gets great traction with the "he must be a molester" play.

So I told the court to pick the toughest psychologist (court certified) to examine me, my kids, my wife, my wallet, my internet and my socks. The oposing counsel and the judge (the judge who fully believes in the myths about boys and CSA) picked a hard-case psychologist.

Guess who had to pay every penny of the $25,000 Psych exam fee? yup. the exam period went on for six months. Six months of not being able to see my kids, added to the other 1.5 year of not seeing my kids.

The report came back GLOWINGLY. He did say I'm fuked in the head from years of being fk-meat and a kick-boxing bag for Dad, but that I am NO danger to anyone, especially kids, and that i would be only likely to resort to any harm if a child were being abused (he was right).

The court read the 101% positive report and threw it out as "inconclusive."

See....I should have just never disclosed. I'd be dead now and all this shit-storm would never have happened. I spent and lost $250,000 in the battle to keep my kids.

I am so very sorry about your pain, Still. You and I are talking about different things, clearly, but it doesn't diminish your misery and I want you to know that I feel horrible for you.

I don't want to add to your burden - life has taken a massive dump on you and I can't change that - I want to recommend something, anything, to change what is happening to you and I feel powerless to do so.

All that being said ... do you have a next step as far as how to change this? What are you doing about it?