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#423355 - 01/27/13 10:56 AM Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038

OK,

I've known for some time that I dissociate from my emotions, and when I allow myself to feel I end up getting overwhelmed and hurt by them -- so I try to keep them bottled up, which isn't a workable solution either.

I've had 3 sessions with a new T who specializes in EMDR for DID. We haven't started doing the actual processing yet. We are still discussing my psychic architecture so she knows what's going on.

In my sessions with her and my previous T who referred me to her, those emotions I am afraid to feel have been coming out. It lives in my guts, and I can feel it pushing against my diaphragm. Sometimes it grabs my heart, and that makes me cry.

In our last session, she discussed the concept of a conference table where all my different parts could sit around. That's when I realized that these emotions that I keep bottled up aren't just emotions -- they're a part of me that I've segmented from my primary self.

So if I visualized that part of me, it would be a dark gray sphere with a fuzzy boundary with the word "IS" written on it in white letters. The "is" represents its desire to have its existence acknowledged by the rest of us. So that's why I'm calling him "Izzy." He's my dark emotions.

Now, Izzy can be at the table with Big Cant and Little Cant and maybe we can go from 3 to 2 to 1 of us.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423358 - 01/27/13 11:26 AM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Great work Cant, it is good to read about your progress in therapy.
I'm sure that you'll manage to get all them together.
Share with us more and if you'll have some updates.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#423363 - 01/27/13 12:41 PM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Thanks, Pero.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423410 - 01/27/13 10:35 PM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3302
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
So if I visualized that part of me, it would be a dark gray sphere with a fuzzy boundary with the word "IS" written on it in white letters. The "is" represents its desire to have its existence acknowledged by the rest of us. So that's why I'm calling him "Izzy." He's my dark emotions.

Now, Izzy can be at the table with Big Cant and Little Cant and maybe we can go from 3 to 2 to 1 of us.


it's good to meet you, Izzy. i've only briefly glimpsed Little Can't. but i feel like i know Big Can't pretty well and he seems like a great guy. i hope you and LC will become more and more at home here and we'll all have the priviledge of knowing you all better.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#423414 - 01/27/13 10:51 PM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Thanks, Lee.

Means a lot to us. I don't think Izzy can type or he would say hello. He can't really talk either. He just is. He's never been addressed before like you just did; it took us by surprise.

Thanks so much for replying, and thanks for your kind words.

I'm not sure Little Cant can post here, because he's the inappropriately sexual one who is always recreating the abuse. Not sure how to bring him here in a constructive context without triggering others. Maybe Izzie can help, but I'm not sure how.

Big Cant


Edited by cant_remember (01/27/13 10:57 PM)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423418 - 01/27/13 11:45 PM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
This is a good discussion of these matters. In retrospect it looks as though I was a magnet for abuse. I experienced csa before I was even 4 years old and it went on into August. So, at once per week that means that I got abused perhaps as many as 2 dozen times. He was using a movie camera. I have told this in pufferfish story part 1. At that age the personality splits off easily.

I worked out a diagram of my different ones about 20 years ago. My therapist helped me work through much of that list mostly of child personalities. When we were through I was aware that I was double. I had an adult personality and a boy personality who had all the memories of the abuse at 12. He was very troubled and highly paranoid and so we ran from further work on this. Then EMDR work brought the boy and the adult together but there were many memory tags left hanging around.

Now I'm returning to the same therapist for more work. The good part is that I have really grown emotionally and psychologically since I started seeing him. However, there are some matters which have seemingly been unresolved. Most of the counseling or therapy I've had has dealt with the very heavy burdens from the scout camp when I was 12. Now I'm still worried that there might be some hidden stuff from the very heavy abuse when I was 12. Also, there are things I can't remember from when I was 4 and 5. If I have a bout of amnesia it may mean that there are things there which need to be worked on.

Puffer




Edited by pufferfish (01/27/13 11:47 PM)

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#423422 - 01/28/13 12:00 AM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 134
Loc: Washington State
Good to hear about your dicovery of Izzie. The mind is so amazing to alow us a way to survive. Thanks to Izzie and Little Cant for making a way!

Best EMDR Wishes


Edited by SmartShadow (01/28/13 12:12 AM)

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#423431 - 01/28/13 04:09 AM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 587
Well I wasn't going to share this but its nice to see its I'm not the only one here with DID. Its even nice to be able to just say "DID" without getting a blank stare!
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#423439 - 01/28/13 08:03 AM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Jacob,

You are most certainly not alone. We are DID brothers. Thank you for responding. Your post about the effects your wife triggering your flashbacks seemed very close to my experiences as well. (Although I don't have a wife)

And thanks, Smart Shadow and Puffer for responding, too.

I haven't felt Izzy for a few days, so I'm not sure where he is on this. I'll know more on Friday when I have my T session.

Big Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423496 - 01/28/13 07:48 PM Re: Meet Izzy, a post about dissociated states [Re: cant_remember]
Still Around Offline


Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Pennsylvania
You certainly aren't alone in this. On Saturday my emotions and memories were so overwhelming for me I could feel myself (if that makes sense) detaching from my body. It took me over 14 hours to come back. But this was different; for the first time I recognized it happening, and I'm beginning to make sense WHY it happens as well.

It's sort of happened again today; I was so incredibly angry at everyone and everything (I was even angry at the people I love and who love me, not only for loving me but for helping me) that I've sort of shut off for the evening. And it's funny, this feels so familiar; it's the state I lived it for so many years. It's the "functional me" as I call it; the "me" that most people have known. But there are other emotional and loving "mes" as well and I want them to come back to me soon. I may not be angry or sad but I'm very worried that I won't find them again for a while. I wish they'd come back even if they do carry a lot of pain with them, because I know now I can't live without them.

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