Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
freddie (65), Max10 (56), Medos (46), PJinLB (47), TheWookinizer (27), tofeno (40)
Who's Online
3 registered (1islandboy, tbkkfile, 1 invisible), 19 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63579 Topics
444200 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#423379 - 01/27/13 04:21 PM Difficult Words----TRIGGERS
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 719
Loc: Southeast USA
MAJOR TRIGGERS

Please forgive the long post, but several long-time MS members have commented that the board seems to feature less discussion about really difficult problems and more posts about bad days and the like. Maybe that is a function of familiarity because I see turmoil in just about every word on here but then again, my struggles with CSA are not new...though they are new in terms of tackling them without any hint of avoidance.

Tackling them without avoidance has taken time. Even in my introduction and subsequent story post, I wasn't completely open and honest about the CSA and its aftermath. No, I didn't embellish...it was worse and I didn't have the ability to express what happened very well. After a period of protracted thought, I decided to run this by a couple of other MSers via PM.

I originally posted on this back in December and deleted the post almost immediately. Right before Christmas, another victim of the same perp contacted me on Facebook. I tread very carefully and did plenty of due diligence before responding. What I found out validated what I believed about the CSA, gave me a sense of unhappy solidarity with another victim---and even changed my perception as to the depths of depravity and sickness the perp had.

I've written a stream-of-conscience account of my thoughts about my CSA has I now understand it. Of course, I now have the knowledge someone else at camp knew I was abused and faced the same thing. I typed this on my iPhone, beware of typos and autocorrect oddities. Also be aware of some real "full disclosure" that I finally had to share with my wife (minus a couple of details). I share them here not to be gratuitous, but to finally disclose to others who hopefully "get it."


A trigger fest. Beware.


As for the guy (Eric) who contacted me, it gives me mixed feelings. He and I are the same age. He went back to the camp three more summers after I got the hell out. He was abused by the same perp. I do feel solidarity with him, but I'm troubled because of the reason. It means one more kid was a victim.

Eric's story checks out...he is married with three kids and has moved back to the area. He is a commercial real estate broker...and last year, he attended an economic development conference where I made a presentation. He wanted to talk to me then, but couldn't get up the nerve and decided it wasn't the time or place. Eric has lurked on MS, but never joined...and hasn't been here in a number of years. Calling me was coincidental to telling my story on MS.

For years he knew I had been a victim and wanted to talk...but wasn't ready to until he saw me at the conference. He was in therapy for several years and is doing well considering what happened to him. He wanted to talk to me, and he still wants to confront the perp. I'm not there yet, but Eric has good intel on the guy.

The perp was fired and allowed to finish his college degree. He moved to the Washington, D.C. area. In the early 90s, he was accused of molestation, but eventually pleaded guilty to child endangerment. WTF! He does not have a current listing on any SO registry I can find and still apparently lives in the D.C. area. He was married at one time, but is now divorced.

Yes, I feel solidarity with Eric, but I'm uncomfortable someone knows these things. I have a very visible job and worry about blackmail----not really from Eric, but in general. It isn't out of the question of me running for public office at some point....but then, what would it look like for an opponent digging up the past only to show up with a story of child molestation? Not good for him/her and thus not likely.

Eric says the perp was fired in the middle of the 1988 camp season for "conduct unbecoming." The real story was he was found with Polaroids of naked boys---including several recent/current campers. There were two pictures of me and four of Eric. I asked him if he was sure it was me..and without hesitation hebsaid, "yes, it was you."

I DO NOT REMEMBER any pictures. I can't say for sure what happened while my head was shoved into the dirty laundry and who the hell knows what went on while I sat in the shower crying. This revelation really is fucked up.

The perp molested Eric repeatedly before getting fired. Apparently, another camper was looking for a box of matches and came across the pictures in a duffel bag belonging to the perp. He showed them to Eric and then the two of them turned them in to the camp director and it all came to light. The pictures were then destroyed--and not turned over to the police.

Still, NO ONE CALLED MY FAMILY TO CHECK ON MY WELL-BEING!!! It was swept under the rug. Sounds like the BSA to me. They wanted to protect their "good" name and "impeccable" reputation.

Like the Scouts, the guy was fired, but was not charged with any crime! He just walked away!!! I'm sure everyone was shocked. He was well-liked by the campers and staff. If he hadn't been caught with the pictures, he would have continued to molest at the camp. For a camper to accuse him of something so wrong would be as unseemly as accusing a priest of doing something like that. Oh, wait....

The truth is he is a manipulative SOB and had that scary as hell change to his demeanor that made you know he meant business.

Like a recent post about the wrestling coach---this guy could make your blood run cold. He became like the neighbor's step dad I dealt with at age 11---everyone was under his control or else.

I stayed at camp while the others went into town to see "The Goonies." Because I wasn't feeling the best and I had already seen it. I asked to stay behind. I'm sure this would never be allowed today, but it was 1985-and the perp was glad to stay there with me. He already had a history of messing around with me, but he was 19 and I was 13. It was wrong to "mess with me." I never expected he would try anything other than touching my penis.

He did mess with me after the others left. He played with my foreskin as I became erect. He then stopped suddenly and asked me to perform oral sex on him. I told him I just couldn't do that. After I refused to perform oral on him, he acted hurt and then enraged. He then cast the most chilling, inhuman look at me, as if he was looking at a malfunctioning copy machine. I was less than alive to him.

He was prepared to escalate. That was his intention all along. The creep had a shaving kit that he pulled a bulb syringe out of- the kind you clean a baby's nose with. He filled it with lube, put a knee on my spine and squeezed my balls tight with his hand-daring me to move or else he would make sure I would never be able to have kids and that he could make me a paraplegic as he put more force on my spine.

I was terrified and did what he told me to do. That meant being being filled with cold lube and "explored" and violated with his finger until he pushed my head down into the dirty clothes that were on the bed. He penetrated me with his penis. Like others have mentioned, I must have dissociated because I felt separated from my body. I somehow watched it happen to a different kid. That wasn't me in the crumpled heap.

I thought I was choking and asked him to stop. He stopped, pulled off one of my socks and shoved it in my mouth and dared me to spit it out. He kept on. I just went limp and watched as the kid on the bed went limp too.

He finally finished and collapsed on me. He got up, wiped himself off my shirt and went to the shower. He told me not to move---and that I'd better be chewing on the sock when he got back.

I didn't move. I finally heard the water turn off and he came out and asked me how I liked that. He acted like it was no big deal. He told me to take "that stupid sock" out of my mouth. He warned me not to tell anyone because they would think I was gay. He started joking and I tried to laugh to keep him engaged and not detached again.

I put my underwear on just sat there without a shirt or anything else on. He then told me he was going for a walk. I sat on the bed and just thought of nothing. I was numb all over. I knew he liked to touch me...and I let him to a point because he helped me out during a rough time far away from home, but the change in demeanor caught me completely by surprise. I'd seen him turn icy toward campers who didn't follow directions---but he liked me, didn't he?

Well, I didn't follow directions and I witnessed the change---directed right at me. I just didn't understand. I went beyond my comfort zone to keep him happy enough...but he wanted more than I was willing to give. I was confused.

I realized I had a problem and needed to change out of my underwear for obvious reasons. I ran to the toilet and threw up. I needed to cleanse myself.

Clean I did---I threw away my bloody underwear and scrubbed and scrubbed under the running water. I sat on the tile floor of the shower and cried until the water turned cold. I got in my bed with clean clothes and cried some more until the other campers came back. I felt somewhat safe then.

I mostly avoided him the following week. He acted like I didn't exist even though my bed was next to his.

He spent more time with Eric. Every so often when he arranged the chance, he would play with my foreskin and get me to ejaculate for him. He got irritated if I came too quickly---or took too long for that matter. He always left me alone after that. He never sodomized me again. I now know he was doing that to Eric during this time. For me, it ended for good when I boarded a 737 three weeks later. I was just a toy to him.

Here's the thing, thinking back, he was awfully young to have been that sophisticated of a perp. I don't like to consider the vampire theory, but he was very well-versed in the shit he did. Eric recounted his story to me and it was similar to what I went through. His parents were divorced and his dad was absent. He was the classic boy starved for male attention. In other words, he was an easy mark.

I was an easy mark because my home life was in upheaval as we moved to the Los Angeles area for my dad's job. I was leaving everything I knew and moving to a strange land. I was attending an ENTIRE summer camp session two thousand miles from my family. Previously, I had only gone for a two week session. This was the whole fucking summer because my parents were in transit cross-country and living out of boxes.

Damn, I was pissed at my dad for taking that promotion. True, it paid very well and provided me with all sorts of opportunities, but there was an unseen price we all paid.

My parents met me at the gate at LAX and helped me gather all my stuff at baggage claim. I was so glad to see them, but I don't remember saying much. I wished then, and many times later that they could read my face so I didn't have to say anything. They never asked and I never told.

I started 8th grade at a new school and fit in the best I could. I played football that fall and was a starter until I took a hit just as a caught a pass and turned downfield. I felt a terrible pain and pop in my left knee. I couldn't get up and had to be carried off the field.

My dad drove me to the ER and there I found out I had a concussion and a torn meniscus. My football days were limited. I didn't want to jeopardize my other sports. I had knee surgery a week later and spent two nights in the hospital where once again, I had no dignity. I woke up from the anesthesia with a catheter in my bladder. Poked, prodded, violated, I was a victim again. For a time, I thought about telling my parents about camp---and then became paranoid I might actually say something I would regret---courtesy the morphine and Demerol.

Once again, I held my tongue. Weeks went by and I became so angry. I responded by acting out and fighting. I wasn't going to be intimidated by anyone. was diagnosed with ADHD and became a Ritalin kid. I also did stupid stuff that I have mentioned on MS.

Boarding school was a huge help for me. Though I was away from my parents, I excelled in sports and academics. I kept busy to forget. Slowly, I put one brick after another down to wall off that summer.

By the start of my junior year, my parents moved back east when my dad started his own company. They were back "home." It's sometimes hard for a teen to admit to missing his parents, but I did and was glad they were back. Things were looking up.

I spent so much achieving goals, I hardly had time for dating. I swam, I played baseball, I single-handed a sloop from South Carolina to Virginia, I hiked the Appalachian Trail---bad knee and all. I overcame.

To the outside world, I really looked like I had my shit together. In reality, I spent so much energy just trying to forget. I worked so hard just to be normal and get into a good college.

I wondered if others wondered why I rarely dated girls--though I was interested in them. The truth is, I felt like damaged goods. When I masturbated, I thought of girls AND of having another male get me off. What the hell is a teenage boy to think of that? I certainly didn't feel "gay" but... My thoughts of girls often put me in a more passive role than expected. I was/am unambiguously masculine, but intimacy left me wanting someone else to take charge so I could take a break. I still have that to some degree---I love it when my wife takes the lead.

A number of years went by without professional help of any sort before I realized I was straight with CSA issues....and that takes me almost up to the present. It has been a long strange trip, but I have arrived...somewhere. The anger still wells up from within...knowing he has abused others...and for the lack of closure on my part. Most of all, I am angry at the years of embarrassment, confusion and turmoil he caused during my formative teenage years.

I survived it all with a pretty good sense of self and of self-worth. I did it all on my own. I sailed a 26 foot sloop up the Atlantic coast and hiked the Appalachian Trail solo after graduating from school. I finished college at UNC with a degree in public policy and a minor in geography. I went to grad school and got a master's degree in economics and regional geography. I kept running to stay one step ahead of the hellhound on my trail. Each accomplishment kept me distracted from the Thing behind the wall. I met and married my wife. We now have two great kids that I am fiercely protective of. Our marriage is strong. My wife is my rock. Still, Incorporating all of this CSA past into a mature relationship and into a more mature life is a bit of a challenge at times. I don't mind in the least taking to my therapist. I have the wisdom now to know when to ask for help---wisdom I never had before.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#423404 - 01/27/13 09:44 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
The contrast between that two-legged hagfish's vile bravado at crushing a helpless kid... and that kid's flickering refusal to stay crushed.... could not possibly be any clearer.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
#423405 - 01/27/13 10:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
The contrast between that two-legged hagfish's vile bravado at crushing a helpless kid... and that kid's flickering refusal to stay crushed.... could not possibly be any clearer.



Thanks Matt for putting my thoughts so eloquently as always.

Yes Will - your refusal to not stay crushed, to not let anyone crush you again shows so much inner strength. Even posting the 'Full' story here spits in his face. You have no reason to be ashamed of what happened and you prove that by talking about it openly here.

By bringing this secret out of the darkness you are not only casting light on the sort of individual he was but on the spirit of (not just a survivor but) a thriver that lived within you then and still lives within you now.

Thankyou!

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

Top
#423406 - 01/27/13 10:08 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3399
Loc: somewhere in Africa
well done, Will - for telling all!
you will be all the stronger for it, i am sure.
and you strengthen us, too.
lee


Edited by traveler (01/27/13 10:08 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#423411 - 01/27/13 10:40 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1350
Will -

It is rare that I read something here that truly resonates as deeply with my own experience. I usually see long posts and breeze through them quickly, but with yours I had to slow down and pace it out. I was pretty much breathless through a lot of it.

Here's what really resonated with my own experience: while my molester was not forceful physically, he was - like yours - quite manipulative psychologically, to the point that he would threaten to do to my sister what he wanted to do to me (always anal sex - always). I, too, was 12-13, and he was an older teen. My molester got caught, but the adults could not see past their own disgust that I was also his victim - along with my little sister. So my abuse just continued. I suppose that is similar in at least some ways to your own experience of having the molester caught but never brought to justice or at least treatment. And I had been through a lot of therapy about ten years ago. I stopped to get my professional degree, thinking I had been "cured". It turns out I was only bivouacked on a cliff. The Penn State scandal proved me wrong about myself - I was strongly triggered by those events (the adults who just looked away, the victims who were so ashamed that they only came forward when investigators discovered them). And like you, I became a bit of an over-achiever. As I learned more about abuse, about accepting that what happened to me was pretty severe stuff, I thought that the fact I was an achiever and a competitor rather than a drug addict or a suicide statistic was statement in itself that I suffered little after-effects of the experience other than the traumas at the time. I skied, surfed, mountain biked, and still swim about 4-5 miles/week. I've got two degrees from prestigious universities and people call me doctor. And so I see that you, too, were an overachiever - like me, physically active in an outward-bound sense, highly educated, etc. And of course the dread of being with girls - who I would just have crushes on at the drop of a hat - because my sexual fantasies often involved me just reliving my homosexual abuse - then the self-disgust - just propelled me to achieve more and try to prove to myself I was someone different than I thought I was - if that makes any sense. And I still would feel like a perp touching a girl - because I saw my molester touching so many 7-8 year old girls inappropriately. It was better to just embrace being a sexual victim - a role I still cannot find a way to break out of mentally.

I just wanted you to know that what you said really strikes a deep chord with me. I guess that's all I have.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#423447 - 01/28/13 09:56 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 719
Loc: Southeast USA
Thank you for the kind words of support. I was shaking as I pressed the 'Submit' button.
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#423452 - 01/28/13 10:52 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Suwanee


I share them here not to be gratuitous, but to finally disclose to others who hopefully "get it."


You bet we "get it".......your story is inspiring in that you've learned to have a life alongside your CSA issues. For many of us our CSA issues still block us from having our lives in a meaningful way.

Here's to your continued progress.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

Top
#423453 - 01/28/13 11:07 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Stunning! In all ways, this story is stunning.

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer. I'm wiped-out from reading it. I can't read any of our stories without strong emotional presence with the boy.

Thank you for trusting us with something so profoundly deep.
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#423459 - 01/28/13 12:04 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
It was difficult to read. But I'm glad you shared it with us.

Top
#423466 - 01/28/13 01:15 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Speaking as a writer, I found your story harrowing but also well-crafted. You have some very strong sentences in here.

So, while you obviously dissociated from the event of the rape, you are able to describe the effects of that dissociation quite clearly, in a way that any normal person could understand.

That's no small thing.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

Top
#423474 - 01/28/13 04:09 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hi Will,
Thanks for sharing this part of your story. I am in the middle of trying to get my story out of head on to paper. I am going tomorrow for my second session with my new T and we are strating EMDR work. I am suppose to be genorating 5 target memories but I am having a hard time comiting my self to the process of wrighting them out. Iam not even shure what consitutes a target memory yet. Thanks for letting me see what it looks like to take the risk. I supose we can never know how some one will react when we expose our trauma and the fear and shame that gose with it, but you are wise and brave to do so. It looks like I am not alone in saying I am proud of you for taking the risk.

Take care, mike

Top
#424806 - 02/09/13 04:55 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: SmartShadow]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Thank you for writing your story for us. It helped me immensely. I saw numerous parallels between what you went through and what I went through.

Puffer

Top
#424815 - 02/09/13 09:07 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 47
Loc: SW Florida
Suwanee I "get It" as I'm sure many here do. I have not been able to read it all but wanted to thank you for posting this. Thank you
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsnCq24hu9w

Top
#439553 - 06/29/13 11:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
What soccer said.

Children's camps these days need to move to having 2 adults always present with children. Without this rule Id never send my kid there. Probably wouldn't even so.

Thanks for having the courage to speak out. The manipulation is gutting and so infuriating. The lack of prosecution execution is mind boggling. If we cant protect the genitals of children who the hell are we???

Top
#439597 - 06/30/13 03:20 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Hi Will. I'm glad Goldstone bumped this old thread as it gave me an opportunity to reread your amazing and inspirational story. I know I've responded in another thread about your story before and also in PM but there were a couple of things I wanted to touch on this time. (Although these are more or less just side notes.)

Originally Posted By: Suwanee
It isn't out of the question of me running for public office at some point....but then, what would it look like for an opponent digging up the past only to show up with a story of child molestation? Not good for him/her and thus not likely.


No, it's not. I don't blame you for worrying about it though. I wouldn't want these things getting out either were I in your shoes. Hell, I don't even want these things getting out in my shoes and I'm not a public figure, nor will I ever be. However, I don't see a political opponent using a past of CSA against their rival. No way that could do anything but totally backfire. If anything it may even create a sympathy vote in favor of the candidate with the CSA issues. Still, I understand why it's a concern.

Originally Posted By: Suwanee
Here's the thing, thinking back, he was awfully young to have been that sophisticated of a perp. I don't like to consider the vampire theory, but he was very well-versed in the shit he did. Eric recounted his story to me and it was similar to what I went through. His parents were divorced and his dad was absent. He was the classic boy starved for male attention. In other words, he was an easy mark.


It definitely sounds possible that he may have been a victim himself. Not that it would excuse his actions in any way if he were, obviously. I'm honestly of the belief that the "vampire myth" is more an exception to the rule than an all-out myth. Most people who are abused do not go on to abuse others just like most people who were abused do not go on to become alcoholics. However, if you took a random sampling of say 100 alcoholics you would probably find that a greater number of them have a background with CSA than if you took a random sampling of 100 people who are not alcoholics. I think the same is probably true for pedophiles and other assorted CSA perps. That's just my opinion and a lot of people will probably disagree with it but I'm pretty sure I'm right about it.

Take care man. Thanks again for having the strength and the courage to tell all of this. Peace,

Ken

Top
#439605 - 06/30/13 05:01 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 05:03 PM)

Top
#440337 - 07/07/13 11:47 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1198
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

You left me speechless. Such horrors and your story of your conquest of conquering them. I think that it is one of the more inspirational life stories I've read.

What I found interesting was how a person can turn in a matter of seconds from a person who you think likes you to someone who just threatened you with your life basically. As a kid I had long blond hair when I was 14. I had also an experience where one of these guys would be stroking my hair (while I was naked and scared shit to begin with) telling me what a beautiful boy I was. A second later he grabbed me by my hair on the back of my head and grabbed my privates and squeezed them picking me off the ground to where I was face to face with him and made me look at him in his face. And he sort of spat out "I once told you to be a good boy. now do you want to eat these" he was squeezing really hard, I was too scared to scream or cry. then he finished by saying "I'll pull every fucken hair out of that beautiful blond head of yours if you don't do as you're told." Then he put me down gently and went back to stroking my hair like nothing happened.

I felt your terror as he grabbed you by the balls and threatened you with that bubble syringe to a possible sterile like in a wheelchair. The color of my hair became a major fly trap for me, it actually attracted these 2 legged flies. I was actually scared when I went into the USAF at 18 that I would have a hard time because of my blond hair. I was so happy when they made it all disappear the first day of basic training.

Thanks for making my day a little brighter smile.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#442391 - 07/27/13 09:42 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1198
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

I keep reading and rereading your story every once in awhile to feel the strength you put into your recovery. I am nowhere near where you are now. Where you went out to "conquer" your horrible past I hid. I wasn't embarrassed at what I did I was ashamed and felt guilty (still do) at what I did. I hid my childhood until I fell apart a few years ago. Since my last post on this thread I must have read and reread your story a dozen times. I've even printed it out and took it to work to read during lunch.

I had been very athletic in my youth but when I went into hiding I did nothing that would bring attention to me for fear of being outed about my past as a child prostitute, childhood drug addict and other shit.

I wish I had your strength in trying to get to where you are today in order to get a somewhat normal (whatever that means) life. I know it's still not easy but you have a determination that is infective. I am still terrified at people knowing what I really was as a child and teen. It's nothing that I'm proud of, but that's what I was and that's what I still am in my mind and it will never go away.

Thanks for the inspiration

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#442397 - 07/27/13 10:15 PM ! [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:08 PM)

Top
#442411 - 07/28/13 09:38 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1198
Loc: New York
Hey gary

Yeah I go through that same thing so many times and I forget how many times I just trash the piece. It does take a lot of courage to press that 'Submit' key. Will should feel OK with what he did.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#442423 - 07/28/13 02:37 PM ! [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:08 PM)

Top
#442573 - 07/29/13 10:56 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: lapchinj]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 719
Loc: Southeast USA
Jeff,

I haven't read this thread in a while...it isn't something I like to revisit. I really do appreciate that you took time to let me know that you find it helpful. Reading it later on, I see that despite what happened, I was a plucky kid who got through a lot...and my adult self has to smile at that kid now.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#442582 - 07/29/13 11:43 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Will,

I remember reading your story when I first joined in January but was to intimidated to respond because of my newness. I read it again tonight and find your candor deeply moving. Your desire to overcome and succeed are inspiring and impressive.

I have forgotten who bumped it forward (of course I forget, its what I do any more)- but thank you for doing so.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#442583 - 07/29/13 11:57 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1198
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

I just hope your story helps you as much as it helps me.

I'm also glad you can smile at that kid, I'm still at odds with that shitty hustler.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#450519 - 10/18/13 01:27 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
felix33 Offline


Registered: 10/17/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
I like when my wife takes the lead too.
felix33

PS I was abused when I was younger. Soon I'll tell my story
_________________________
felix33

Top
#450578 - 10/18/13 05:45 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
I couldn't read anymore I am do sorry that happen to you...

frown
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

Top
#452622 - 11/05/13 11:08 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Andre960 Offline


Registered: 11/01/13
Posts: 9
Loc: Ontario Canada
Will,
Thank you for opening yourself up so courageously. In your experiences I find parallels that are frighteningly similar. I am left reconsidering again how it is that men come to wound children so terribly and what force makes such heinous behaviour characteristic of so many offenders....
But they are not important here, your triumphs are the story to be told, to be held high and admired, your striving is the example set for us to emulate - go refuse to lay down , but go get up , and get up, and get up again, ever forward in this great adventure we call life! Thanks Will, once again, I am thrilled to be here!

Top
#452626 - 11/06/13 01:00 AM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 692
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Will,

The importance for me in your story is that you are taking yourself seriously. That was terrorized out of me. I was abused 0-3 1/2 and maybe at 8. The 8 year old stuff is still blocked. I began remembering my father's abuse at age 53 and only began remembering my mother's abuse this year prior to turning 64. It has been very difficult to move past the messages of "I'm: crazy, bad, deserve to be hurt, deserve to be punished, may be killed if I ever remember or say anything." Your honesty inspires the place in me that knows what I remember really did happen. It inspires me to take myself seriously and helps firm up a ME. Thank you. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#462633 - 03/14/14 10:00 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
isol8er Offline


Registered: 03/12/14
Posts: 3
Loc: California
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm in tears right now re-living my own horror story. I don't think I could put it on paper.....yet, but I want to. I have shared with some close friends that I was abused but I never actually re-lived it from start to finish. I just don't think I'm ready to go beyond "I was abused as a kid..."
Man, thanks!
Isol8er
_________________________
"I've never been more willing to learn, until I became most desperate to change..."

Top
#462688 - 03/15/14 05:19 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1198
Loc: New York
Hey iso18er

Nothing says that as soon as you come here you have to spill your guts and tell everyone what happened to you. It took me 40 years to do that.

The first big step is that you came here, I am sorry that you had to be here but you have now become part of a brotherhood, men with horrible stories to tell. As time moves on and you read what unfortunately happened to others it will help you talk about your shit and get it off your chest and finally on your way to healing.

Hopefully you will be able to look at your past and make friends with that little kid who took all the abuse and lived through it. Take it slow and easy so you will find it easier to participate in these forums.

I wish you all the magic in the world that the healing process goes easy for you. You have already made friends who want to help you through your past.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#462690 - 03/15/14 05:30 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 284
wow.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

Top
#463138 - 03/25/14 01:47 PM Re: Difficult Words----TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 284
my perp was caught twice and was given a slap on the wrist. that was in the 70/s . i am not sure it would be different today.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.