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#407596 - 08/22/12 09:41 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hahaha Pero, yeah that's the spirit! I am gonna Get that "Hug Fever" boys, catch it while it lasts!
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#407904 - 08/25/12 05:18 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
GoHomeAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/10
Posts: 116
Loc: Pennsylvania
What a great topic, Sam.

(((Sam)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Pero)))

You all deserve hugs. I'm going right now to get one myself.

Paul
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Humble Alumnus of WoR Dahlonega 2011.

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#407929 - 08/25/12 10:55 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Gmone Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
Great topic, guys. Oh, how I wish that ((( ))) would suffice! As it is, I find myself still going off in fantasy-land and zoning out on porn.

I know it's compartmentalizing, but I still want to crawl up in that lap and be comforted, accepted, wanted, loved, reassured, validated, etc., etc., etc. And I'm willing to perform or gratify to recieve it!

Go ahead, let me have it. I know but, I want to feel I belong somewhere (Oh, please let me feel I belong!) and therapy just isn't helping.
_________________________
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

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#407936 - 08/26/12 12:01 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Gmone,

Where do I belong? I have asked myself that question so many times. I have searched in relationships, drugs, alcohol, pornogrpahy and sex. I haven't found the answer in these places. So I have chosen the unknown. The life beyond the shit coping mechanisms. There is emotion there, the stuff that has been kept at bay while we, as children, needed to survive. But today, we need to learn all of these feelings anew.

We are here for you, I am here for you. I know that hunger pain you feel, the one that begs for affection, the one that wants to be loved and cared for. But we don't have to perform to receive that love. We love you just as you are, without any exceptions. I know it's difficult to feel it, but trust that one day you will feel it and you will know that you are worthy of unconditional love.

Sam, great thread. I don't want porn in my life. I choose recovery and healing. Much love my brothers. (((Hugs for everyone)))).
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I am the warrior.

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#407956 - 08/26/12 04:11 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Lets be clear that addiction to porn means spending hours on it. Normal guys can view for 10-15 minutes, relieve themselves and go to sleep. NOT US! It becomes a compulsion. We can all agree that addiction to porn is a negative in our lives. (If hugs work for you, GREAT). But lets not beat ourselves up over it. We are too hard on ourselves. I think that as we focus on healing,this will fall into line.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#407958 - 08/26/12 04:43 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
ha ha Garydosh, you made me smile with your comments about porn and hugs smile
We are trying to be honest and supportive in all this, I'll be rather hugged than challenged (and later fallen) to some personal demons smile
I think that we are not talking about porn in some puritan way, off course that it doesn't have to be so wrong to watch it.
But when I'm talking about myself and porn I'm talking about spending hours in browsing trough different pages with just one goal: to find some raw and fragile feelings of people involved into some sex act. There is no need for some specific scenario but rather to see completely lost people to pleasures, it has to be as real as possible.
It is not healthy and it reminds me of my abuse - it is quick escape from reality into fantasy world. And to add even I consider myself as hetero when I'm down I'll easily switch to male movies and it is shameful how I'm able to navigate trough tons of it in my search...
So here is my hug to all of you courageous brothers survivors who are battling everyday with challenges and some personal demons smile :
(((Sam))))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Paul)))
(((Gmone)))
(((Letourski)))
and I'll give one to myself too
(((Igor-aka Pero))) smile
Who is next smile?
((( ...... )))
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#407963 - 08/26/12 06:54 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
theIrregular Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 52
Loc: Canada
Hey Sam,
'Go get a hug' is a great idea.

Originally Posted By: sasuva
someone who is kind to me, overlooks my faults and genuinely wants me to feel accepted.

I constantly seek out acceptance. But since I my addiction to porn is secretive, most of the judgement comes from within. So, in truth, what I struggle with is self-acceptance. I'm going to start giving myself hugs every time I feel the urge.

"Relying on will power is similar to trying to dodge bullets all day long. Eventually one will hit you and derail your plans. It is only a matter of time. However, once you change your focus and find a new path to put all of your energy into, impressive change is possible." --- Mike Mahler in his book Live Life Aggressively.

I've tried to quit many times before. But I guess what I need to do is replace one compulsion with another.
Plan of action for the next time I have an urge:
1. Distance myself -> Leave the computer desk and/or room (as you suggest)
2. Give myself a hug.
3. Explore the lines on my palms. (I know it's not as productive as running or exercise, but I find it keeps me occupied until until the urge returns at a future time)

I think I will need a more complex ritual than this. But, it's a start.

Hugs all around ((()))
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theIrregular

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#407971 - 08/26/12 08:43 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: GoHomeAgain]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: GoHomeAgain
What a great topic, Sam.
It has been the source of much relief, support and joy to me, thanks!
(((Sam)))
(((Garydosh)))
(((Mike)))
(((Kevin)))
(((Pero)))
I remember the scene in "Marry Poppins" where the "chimney sweeps" were leaving the house and shook the hand of the home owner. It was considered very lucky. The children were amazed, lol, and so am I. All those hugs, Paul, you must be very lucky, because you sure made me feel wonderful!
You all deserve hugs. I'm going right now to get one myself.Hooray Paul! Know that in each hug in the real world, we are celebrating with you in getting what we truly need for ourselves!

Paul
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#407973 - 08/26/12 08:56 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Gmone]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Great topic, guys. Oh, how I wish that ((( ))) would suffice! As it is, I find myself still going off in fantasy-land and zoning out on porn.The purpose of Go Get A Hug is to initially realize what a survivor needs, love, acceptance, belonging in his life, then as those healthy positive feelings begin to create those longings, he searched for and really finds those instead of porn. This is about celebrating a breakthrough, seeking what we deeply desire, that of community and support. You are so worthy of this, Gmone, and you have reached out to us, which has made us stronger. Thank you!

I know it's compartmentalizing, but I still want to crawl up in that lap and be comforted, accepted, wanted, loved, reassured, validated, etc., etc., etc. And I'm willing to perform or gratify to recieve it! You know, you really know what you long for G. It was not you who hurt you by taking something that could have been so affirming and went too far. It was someone else, and you can heal from that. We would do ANYTHING for that reception, but now we have a way to melt into the healing of joyful union without the destruction and shame porn brings.

Go ahead, let me have it.Like a freight train Gmone, here it comes. I know but, I want to feel I belong somewhere Choo- Choo!(Oh, please let me feel I belong!)((( (Gmone) ))) and therapy just isn't helping.

Those who want hugs and acceptance the most, find the greatest joy in such safe, affirming action. Know that I smile as I write this to you, dear Gmone, and there is a little tear, respect and admiration for your reaching out. Well done.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#407974 - 08/26/12 09:05 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Gmone,

Where do I belong? I have asked myself that question so many times. I have searched in relationships, drugs, alcohol, pornogrpahy and sex. I haven't found the answer in these places. So I have chosen the unknown. The life beyond the shit coping mechanisms. There is emotion there, the stuff that has been kept at bay while we, as children, needed to survive. But today, we need to learn all of these feelings anew.

We are here for you, I am here for you. I know that hunger pain you feel, the one that begs for affection, the one that wants to be loved and cared for. But we don't have to perform to receive that love. We love you just as you are, without any exceptions. I know it's difficult to feel it, but trust that one day you will feel it and you will know that you are worthy of unconditional love.Well said, we were OWED love, safety and protection, now we find it is what has been manipulated to gratify. We are loved just as we are. Love may be give and take, but this, this porn, this abuse, is not love, not by a long shot. It is nothing. Hugs, friendship, love, relationships, those are the stuff that fills our hearts. This is what we seek, for ourselves, this "give and take" strengthens us.

Sam, great thread. I don't want porn in my life. I choose recovery and healing. Much love my brothers. (((Hugs for everyone)))). (((Letourski))) WooHoo Such a powerful post and a wonderful entry for our Hug-a-thon. Much respect and admiration for your advocacy, fellow survivor. Thank you!
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