Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
2 registered (traveler, Jacob S), 38 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63792 Topics
445485 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#422950 - 01/22/13 03:46 PM STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS....
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 46
Loc: England
I am like a cat on a gridle today, having not been able to attend court in my children's case, because my younger son had taken ill seriously.

I have not heard any news from the court either. Rather than lose my mind as I am worried sick, I have been searching and researching.

I found the below link accidentally whilst looking for something else, but I couldn't help but share it here. I think it tells it exactly as it is and it does shed light on how non-abusing parents feel when our children disclose abuse (though I related with it on the context of a young child disclosing because that is my circumstance, I believe it deals with all other context of when the survivor discloses to his/her parents irrespective of the age at which this disclosure is made). I hope this helps - if it helps just one more survivor or one more parent here, then it was worth sharing.

http://freespace.virgin.net/jeffnmag.highlands/stages.htm
_________________________
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

Top
#423019 - 01/23/13 02:01 PM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 342
Interesting. Thank you.

Top
#423131 - 01/24/13 05:32 PM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 46
Loc: England
You are welcome, Sugarbaby.
_________________________
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

Top
#423455 - 01/28/13 11:34 AM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
wish my Mom would have made it through the initial stages on to the healing part... Sadly, she has been stuck in anger, self-blame and innappropriate blame. Maybe I should have insisted we don't drop the subject forever, but really there is only so much anger and blame I can take. (Though this makes my Mom sound worse than she is, she just doesn't handle this one topic very well.)

Top
#423457 - 01/28/13 11:54 AM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: HopeDiesLast]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: HopeDiesLast
wish my Mom would have made it through the initial stages on to the healing part... Sadly, she has been stuck in anger, self-blame and innappropriate blame. Maybe I should have insisted we don't drop the subject forever, but really there is only so much anger and blame I can take. (Though this makes my Mom sound worse than she is, she just doesn't handle this one topic very well.)

It can be very hard to deal with.

Top
#423514 - 01/28/13 11:21 PM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: HopeDiesLast]
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 46
Loc: England
Originally Posted By: HopeDiesLast
wish my Mom would have made it through the initial stages on to the healing part... Sadly, she has been stuck in anger, self-blame and innappropriate blame. Maybe I should have insisted we don't drop the subject forever, but really there is only so much anger and blame I can take. (Though this makes my Mom sound worse than she is, she just doesn't handle this one topic very well.)


Hope, I am a mum, I can tell you it is the hardest thing that can ever happen to a mother. And you know what is worse, there is no support for the mother - so she will wallow, and grope all on her own in the dark. Everybody is different, some strong and some less strong and we process things differently. It is not too late for healing for both of you - she can seek therapy.

I am supposed to be in therapy to deal with the triggers when they hit me big time, but I cannot afford therapy! So I grope in the dark, sometimes I just know I have to pray to God for strength and for direction otherwise I will fall apart.
_________________________
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

Top
#423568 - 01/29/13 10:39 AM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I agree, it is a very hard situation to deal with. ALovingMum, I think your story is so much worse and more complicated because you have to fight to keep your children safe every day, while I only disclosed to my Mum after I was grown-up. I think you're holding up terrifically for the circumstances! I'm so sorry though that you can't afford therapy - is there no way your health insurance will take over the costs?

Top
#423868 - 01/31/13 12:55 PM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
LaRosa Offline


Registered: 08/03/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Colorado
Quote:

Hope, I am a mum, I can tell you it is the hardest thing that can ever happen to a mother. And you know what is worse, there is no support for the mother - so she will wallow, and grope all on her own in the dark. Everybody is different, some strong and some less strong and we process things differently. It is not too late for healing for both of you - she can seek therapy.


I completely feel you on this one. I joined this forum a few weeks after my son was charged with molestation of my youngest. There are even fewer resources for parents of siblings in this respect. And it tears me apart each and every day. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that both of my boys are getting the resources and help they need...I don't feel I am yet, but they are and that's encouraging.

Having been a survivor in my own right from SA in college, it brought up all of those feelings again and each day is a struggle not to let it completely unravel my life. I support both of my sons, they are both survivors (the eldest from SA by his bio mom, the youngest a survivor of the eldest) and am very blessed to have friends/family in my life who have worked with SA survivors professionally. But even with that support, it is so very difficult to move onward toward healing in my own heart.

Top
#427176 - 03/05/13 05:47 AM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
thank you for this link!
i left out the denial part completely and i also completely left out the blame on my daughter. cant be done, she is a kid! wont make sense. she didnt ask him to do this. she actually asked him not to do this.

but the rest of the list is true and it keeps on coming back and rehappening. not all of it but the guilt factor is great. i mean, its a fact that i didnt know when i should have known. i am responsible for my children and i love them. not so sure if that part will ever go away, despite my own daughter telling me that i cant have known, because he made sure he created opportunities and how she has hidden it to save his ass from prison, until she found a way to be more important to herself than his freedom or his life in general.

ela

_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

Top
#427753 - 03/11/13 02:24 PM Re: STAGES OF GRIEF FOR PARENTS.... [Re: ALovingMum]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

This is a really good resource for parents, thanks for sharing it. Sharing and helping like this can make an important difference in all our recoveries, wish my parents had had something like this, well done!

Best regards,

Gary
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.