Wanted to give you guys a bit of an update. She spent a night in a hotel. I spent a night at my parents -- which has its own issues but I knew I'd be ok for one night -- and then we talked.
What it really comes down to is she gets so sad that she really becomes overwhelmed. It did come to a place where she just couldn't take it anymore, and even though she is proud of me being so strong she is behind me. She is still just overwrought by the whole thing. At this point, I've been feeling the pain for so many years that to be able to talk about it makes me feel better. But to hear it makes her feel worse. She understands where I am but it is not where she is yet.
It was good to come back and see ourselves on the same team. She has always been my biggest ally and supporter and I knew that this one incident wasn't her real self. There is still work to be done before I will trust her with being as open again, but I think that is for the best since its pretty clear she needs time to process what I have already shared with her before I keep talking about it. So I'm not aborting my growth, but I am going to slow down how much and how intensely we communicate about it -- at least temporarily. I'm not going anywhere and she's not going anywhere, so there's time to build to a better foundation before trying to reach for the sky.
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone
just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.