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#424619 - 02/07/13 12:54 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Hang in there - things can & do change. As a wife & survivor myself, I had 'some' insight as to my hubby's pain & after effects. BUT, I have to constantly remember that "I can't fully know what it is like to be in HIS shoes". Many years of a 12 step program & much therapy has changed my life & my outlooks. My keys/tools are willingness, very very open discussions starting with "I feel" "I need" "I ask" and never, never start w/You You You. We WANT to be better people. That's my plan....... but only One Day @ A Time.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#424666 - 02/08/13 01:42 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Something has definitely definitely changed. She's sure been reading something, I have no doubt.

She brought up a serious discussion of it tonight... we talked about the odds of other guys we knew having dealt with this... she brought up a relative of hers whom we both know for a fact got it, though he had pre-existing emotional problems so severe that it's hard to tell what the CSA actually caused. I also told her of the one of my online friends who responded to my disclosure by saying he'd been there too - though he and I have yet to "exchange details." My wife had met him already at some parties and did the same doubletake that I had, as she too had only ever known him in a "normal" context and he's a suave, well-adjusted guy.

She also made a comment about how CSA can make guys very touch- and sex-averse and that that's obviously not my problem.... we have NEVER discussed that demographic detail so she seriously has been doing some research somewhere...

While we were holding each other she revealed to me that she'd been fixating with hatred on the man who attacked me.... that she wants him punished and to suffer and that she'd support me in anything I could want to do. I told her that while the SOL for child abuse is long over, what he did was also rape and I don't know if that has a different SOL, if I could still do anything about that... I honestly don't know, haven't looked it up, am scared to open the door because proceeding that way would require a huge re-allocation of emotional energy, money, our basically non-existent personal time... when things are just beginning to re-stabilize after the hurricane, and kids and jobs and bills and frankly each other of us need our full attention... and there's no evidence, it would be my word vs an old man and whatever his furiously defensive adult children and grandchildren might care to say or do...

She really wants to go after him. She hugged me and stroked my cheeks as she told of how she hates him for hurting me... that it wasn't my fault and I am a good person. I opened up a bit more and shared some conversations I'd had with my T. It was a good talk, a special talk.

Whatever she read or found or talked to, I am so grateful, I haven't felt so relieved in can't even remember how long.

Barring a severe emergency / get-over-it-ism I am going to stop using this thread as unilateral marriage therapy. I'm a little embarrassed especially now that she has gotten better. But since there were many other people here (women and men) who found it familiar, I guess it can be an example of how it is possible for partners to become more understanding after all.


Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (02/08/13 09:31 AM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#424668 - 02/08/13 02:03 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Matt

Seriously!!! There is no need for embarrassment - not even a little - not even at all.

Thank you for bringing an issue to the forefront that so many of us married guys/girls face. Through your skills as a writer you have articulated it better than any of us could have hoped to. I think I am right in saying that this thread has been like marriage counselling for us all.

It stands as a testament to the fact that healing/real change is possible for both the victim and their partners.

Thanks again for putting this out there.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#424669 - 02/08/13 02:07 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Happy for you both!
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#424681 - 02/08/13 09:11 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Something has definitely definitely changed. She's sure been reading something, I have no doubt.

She brought up a serious discussion of it tonight...

...


What a change, I can hardly believe it. This is fantastic.

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#425385 - 02/15/13 03:08 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 7
I am so happy to read through this post and see the changes that have occured. I am a wife, and I am struggling to find the best way to support my husband. Its all very new to us - so thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I want to make sure I can help him heal and your words will stick in my mind when I get upset or frustrated. Thank you so much and I really hope that these positive changes continue and you both can heal together.

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#425407 - 02/15/13 05:47 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Very helpful thread. I'm happy to hear that things have gotten a lot better. I'm really glad that you posted about this. I think that my H sometimes misunderstands my words and actions. Sometimes when I try to support him he just feels pressured and like he isn't good enough. This is frustrating because I'm trying to convey the opposite. I love him so much and he is amazing. I'm glad that you and your wife were able to connect and feel the love. She sounds like I really nice lady.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#425419 - 02/15/13 07:31 PM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
So there has been more good news...

Monday night out of nowhere she said "Listen, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, but I just wanted you to know that I'm determined to be your partner in recovering from this. I want you to know you can always count on me as a safe person to be with. I've been reading some books about what this can do to people and it has stuff in it for wives too. I've got to deal with the trauma of it in my own way but I do want you to know that I'm totally going to be your partner in this."

After much thanking and appreciating and hugging and such, I slyly told her that I'd already known she was reading up and it meant so much to me.

(jaw dropped) "How did you know?"
"You were mentioning stuff we've never talked about, like how lots of guys have touch or intimacy problems after this."
"Shut up, you did not know!"
"Shut up, I totally did!"

Later:
"At least this way, some of the things I used to see as faults in you I can blame on this instead!"
(That was kiiiinda glib, but I knew she meant well. And, shit, maybe it's true.)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#425446 - 02/16/13 01:02 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
You guys are going to be fine, your wife has turned a corner and the view is a lot clearer to her now.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#425478 - 02/16/13 11:04 AM Re: Wives: what helped you be nicer? [Re: SoccerStar]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
Very happy that things are going well for you both. Inspiring for other people.

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