I had my own "It's Official" moment a month or so ago when I cautiously added the word "rape" to my vocabulary. I never had any plausible deniability as to what really happened. I am cognizant of what happened and how it happened....though I'm really only articulating it two decades later. Saying that stuff happened" or "things got weird" do describe what happened to me.

As far as Dick and Jane primer goes...I find that my language skills seem to vanish when I talk or write about this...I'm reduced to a primal, stilted prose...

The way I feel now is NOT the result of "stuff" from age 13. No. I was raped by someone 6 years older. It was not consensual by me...or in the letter of the law.

Will

THIS. At first even to my T I'd say "made me perform oral sex / made me suck his dick." When me actually doing anything was probably less than a minute, then he... took over.

I've hated myself for not being able to give a better blowjob at 8 in order to have spared myself the pain, to have just been able to please him and escape the intense terror that he was actually trying / going to kill me with it. And then hated myself for having such unfair and obscene thoughts about a helpless kid. It's less intense but not gone.

Yes, "rape" is an ugly word, but to me, it validates my feelings and my reactions in a way. It gives me permission to be somewhat fucked up, to need help, to not be ok all the time... I was raped, after all! I don't have to hide behind fancy phrases and "you know what I mean?"s any more. I can come out and say a simple 4 letter word, and it describes exactly what was done to me...[/quote]

Thanks for these thoughts, gentlemen. I read through the thread, and this being my second evening as a member, the theme of this is one I am working on with my counselor. I just can't verbally use the word rape in the same sentence of describing what has happened to me. Just like you guys for whatever reason, I know it will take time. Your words...my feelings... truly. ...just as c gecko says, I am fked up, I need help, but I am not okay most of the time... and maybe soon I can say OUT LOUD..."he raped me, and it hurts"... and he did, and it does...thanks, again guys.

Hi Bill,

Yes, it will take time, but don't try to rush it! You will reach the point where you will be able to say the word and claim it for yourself in your own time. I hope that it will be soon, but as I have learnt in the last few month - one cannot, and should not try to skip steps in this process we call healing.

Stay strong and keep working with your counselor. You'll get there.

Hi, Gecko. Thank you for the words of hope. I read your story. Both parts. I find you to be quite brave and again, thank you for the honesty.