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#422929 - 01/22/13 11:40 AM Filled with resentment and anger
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1403
Loc: California
For simply being BORN.

My dad was developmentally retarded. He forced my mom to marry him (so she tells me) and have a child. This qualifies as rape.

The ugly truth of my birth is that a developmentally retarded man raped a scared teenaged girl, and that's why I was born.

I was born with his disabilities, and I was born with her disability (she's got severe hearing loss).

Ever since I was a child, learning about genetics and how they passed on, I made a decision that I would never pass on my genes to another person. I didn't want them to have the experience I was having growing up.

I was mercilessly teased and bullied at school because I had thick glasses and wore hearing aids. Because of my genetics.

I've grown up severely traumatized; I was bullied at school, neglected by my mother, and molested by my cousin. I was without any real connection to anyone, feeling incredibly lonely, and struggling my entire life to make something valuable of it.

And now I'm middle aged. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I'm disconnected. I've spent all my life fighting to recover, and now half of my life is gone. Supposedly the BEST part of my life is GONE. No more youthful vitality to expend. No more good youthful looks. Now I have to deal with aging and getting older and watching my body fall asunder, slowly.

Oh, to top it all off - survivors have shorter life spans due to illness and stress levels.

I am angry that I was born. I don't know how to let go of this anger. I don't know how NOT to feel like a victim of my own genetics. I don't know how to NOT feel resentful that my developmentally retarded father decided it was totally fine to rape a girl to pass on his fucked up genetics for someone else to suffer with.

It's so fucking unfair. I wish I knew how to let go of the resentments, and I wish I knew how to accept that I was born with shitty genetics which have ruined any chance of having a 'normal' life, where I can make something beautiful of it.

My therapist commented early on "It's amazing that you're not a homeless drifter or drug addict" - as if it was something to be proud of.

Most others get the opportunity to make something beautiful of their lives, and be proud of it. Me? I'm supposed to be proud of not making a disaster of out my life.

I feel totally and completely robbed from experiencing the best of what life has to offer. And I am very resentful and very angry. And I am so so lonely and filled with pain.

I hate that I was born, and I hate that I feel like a victim for simply being born.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#422935 - 01/22/13 12:44 PM Re: Filled with resentment and anger [Re: Magellan]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Thank you for your post and for sharing the depths of your pain.
You have gone through far more then anyone should have to bear. I would be glad to share some things that have helped me with unbearable pain. You are very honest with your self and your fealings and articulate them well. I do not wish to talk you out of your pain for it is compleatly understandable and I am not a big fan of escaping my fealings these days. At some point if you want to talk you can PM me. I check in every few days.

Take care,
Mike

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#422975 - 01/22/13 08:57 PM Re: Filled with resentment and anger [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
To Magellan

I now have some perspective on your previous post, when you said I had misunderstood, that you were not suicidal.

The terrible experience of loss, when I never had the situation which I have lost is confusing. The anger at never having the opportunity to be safe, to always needing to protect myself, to not even understanding that thios is paranoia.

BUT it is loss. The progression through anger and depression to acceptance is full of pain. The added dimension youi have is that you blame your being (your genetics) for your loss. The unfairness was not created by you and you cannot eliminate the loss.

The T was suggesting that you should be proud that you have not surrendered to the loss and let it submerge your desires for the "best of what life has to offer". The fact that you feel robbed by your loss is inescapable. But your resiliance continues your search for your hope and desire.

Yes the pain is overwhelming when you see such total loss and your expectation is so low compared to your desiresa.

But as you travel through the pain you may also fined ways to make peace wiyth yourself. I have somewhat. And you may become more able to offer yourself in a manner which is less negative and grieving of the loss. The more positive presentation of self, not only as "not homeless or an addict," but as the potential giving and resilient soul you hold on to beneath the pain.

I wish for you peace that comes with this acceptance of the losses and seizing the potential of your future.

I struggle to let my resentment and anger to resolve. Then, my daughter tells me (In September 2012) that my father (dead 10 years) molested her when she was 8 or 9. Thr resentment returns and I begin the process of grief and acceptance once again.

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